Secular German Confederacy

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You won't find Biggus Dickus here, but maybe you'll find Hitler

~ Tamia on Holy Roman Empire
Weltliches Deutschland Confederacy
Secular Germany Confederacy of the Roman Empire
Holy Roman Empire
Prussian Flag.PNG HRE.jpg
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: 'Der Senat und die Leute der verschiedenen deutscher Staaten'
Anthem: "Wer auch immer ist Kaiser im Augenblick, wir preisen ihn!" (Whoever is Emperor right now we Praise Him!)
Capital Thurso
Largest city Hamburg, Berlin
Official language(s) German
Government Confederacy of various governments
National Hero(es) Charlemagne, Jesus,
Established 800 AD
Currency Reich-solidus
Religion Catholicism, Protestantism
Population Variable
Area Variable
National animal Bratwurst

The Secular German Confederacy, also known as the Holy Roman Empire was created by God Himself in the year 800AD when God Himself, through his representative on Earth the Pope had a Frankish King called Charlemagne crowned Emperor. God had decided to do this because there was a spare crown lying around Rome that wasn't doing anything (God hates untidiness) and the Empire in the East was being governed by a woman and God knows that women are rubbish. If you have a problem with any of this then you have a problem with God.

German[edit]

After Charlemagne died the Empire was split between his three sons, Charlemagne II , Charlemagne III and 'Luscious Lorriane' , a transvestite brother who sang at seedy cabarets frequented by Anglo-Saxon tourists in Strasbourg. Like all brothers they immediately started fighting with each other and permanently divided their territory with the western part becoming France and eastern bit Germany and what was called the Transgender Monarchy in the middle (later to evolve into Switzerland).

It was the German lands that inherited the Holy Roman Empire trappings , including the carpets, curtains and broken backed sofa bed. However, due to the Germans not yet having learned the virtues of the power of a unified will they insisted on being split into various Baronies, Kingdoms, Fiefdoms , Duchies, Free Cities and independent bishoprics with the "Emperor" having theoretical power over this confederacy although really he was only ever called upon to approve a new heraldic design, witness the surrender of a defeated foe or mediate on the trials of goat rustlers.

Some of those Holy Romans in Detail[edit]

Once all of Charlemagne's sons had died out/killed each other , Otto the Great became a Holy Roman Emperor in 962 AD. He was a bit of a bastard and had skewered the Magyars at Lechfeld in 955. He made himself a bit of nusiance and headed off to Rome to get the Imperial crown from Pope John XIV , a serial sex fiend who got the papacy because his dad Alberic wanted junior to do something constructive in a summer holidays. Otto was followed by his sons - all called Otto until his family died out when someone spoilt the family tradition and tried to enthrone as emperor Quentin Tarantino.

We should also pause here and consider the career of Emperor Henry IV who unwisely tried to control the church by appointing his mates as religious leaders. Pope Gregory VII said this was all illegal and told everyone in Germany that God had shunned them and their immortal souls were heading to hell. This so scared Henry IV , that he invaded Italy and deposed Gregory to set up Antidotus as the Pope. This lead to schism which isn't nice..and even harder to say or spell correctly. So Henry agreed to meet Gregory and told him he had been a naughty emperor. They kissed and made up and celebrated by spending all night together at the Canossa Spearmint Rhino lap dance club .

They were well known for...[edit]

  • In 1521, held a general assembly, presided by Emperor Charles V, regarding the Diet of Worms in which several issues are resolved including the addessing of issuing a restraining order and ASBO against Martin Luther and the effects on the Protestant Reformation.
  • In 1701, the Secular German Confederacy experienced an attack by cylon forces.
  • According to the Reptilian Agenda, the reptilian bloodline is connected to the Merovingians, the family of Charlemagne, an early ruler of the Empire, to the Hapsburg royal family of the 16th century.
  • Emperor Evil who briefly reigned as Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire after deposing of his cousin Emperor Elvis, who in the height of Elvis' rule, conspired with 12 of a committee to overthrow him.
  • Supporting Bumblesnap Chess to be allowed as an Olympic sport.
  • Using culture to design magnificent head dresses and to create ancient cave paintings and drums.
  • The development of the modern free-market economic theory by Liet Kynes, Imperial Planetologist of the Holy Roman Empire.

Emperors of the Holy Roman Empire[edit]

  1. Charlemagne, Emperor of the West (1271-1274)
  2. Frank N. Furter (1274-1291)
  3. Dr. Scott (1291-1311)
  4. Riff-Raff (1311-1330)
  5. Rocky (1330-1337)
  6. Napoleon Dynamite (1337)
  7. King Roof Ba Goof (1339-1397}
  8. Yugo Hugo I (1397-1428)
  9. Yugo Hugo II (1428-1445)
  10. Yugo Hugo III (1445-1445)
  11. Yugo Hugo IV (1445-1462)
  12. Gömar Vav Ramög (1462-1497)
  13. Karkorov Van Darrenburg (1497-1498)
  14. Karl Bartos (1498-1666)
  15. Mambo Kurt (1666-1677)
  16. Nina Hagen (1677-1856)
  17. Siegfried (1856-1890)
  18. Roy Horn (1890-1894)

Other claiments[edit]

The Decline and Fall of the Secular German Confederacy.[edit]

From the 16th century onwards the Empire Confederacy became increasingly irrelevant to its member states and with the Confederacy becoming less interesting to the Emperors themselves, the imperial office now being passed around in a sort of Europe-wide variation of musical chairs. Several states in the Eastern Marches even converted to Islam for a few years in the 17th century just to see if the Emperor would notice. Most of the Emperors spent their time trying to marry as many difference princesses as possible or trying to have statues of themselves erected in Peru and other crazy places. At least two of the Emperors actually forgot they were Emperors for some of the time.

Somehow the Confederacy persisted into the 19th century until Napoleon came along and forced the last Emperor to abdicate in 1806. It took another five years for the various states of the Confederation to actually notice that the Emperor wasn't there any more when they tried to get him to sign a declaration recognising the magnificence of the King of Prussia's new trousers.