Mega Drive

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The so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article on Mega Drive much funnier than this one.

“Genesis Does what Nintendon't.”

~ Sega on Sega Genesis

“Blast processing is revolutionary! Right?”

~ Captain Oblivious on Blast Processing

“Blast Processing is a hype created by Sega just to boost sales because Nintendo kept winning.”

~ Captain Obvious on Blast Processing

“What about us? You know what do we get? No cool adverts. What about "Mega Drive Does?" We're cooler than you, Americans! And we have the Sega Pirate!”

~ Europeans on when the USA had the "Genesis Does" advert

“Well, at least we are part of a majority”

~ Europeans and Japanese on the name of this 16-bit console (the Mega Drive, that is)

“The more you play with it, the harder it gets”

~ Brit on Mega Drive
Toad Youre watching ZZZap! on the screen at Luigi Raceway!.

The Sega Mega Drive, also known as the Sega Genesis in the USA, was based on Amiga technology. It was killed and struck down into eternal oblivion by the SNES from Nintendo and hurled into the Abyss of the Damned by the Big Blue Satan, as hath been written in the apocryphal scripture Microsoft 95, chapters 80-386 of the Gospel according to Bill. Then, with the release of Sonic 3, and Sonic and Knuckles the Sega Genesis came back and spited the SNES and tossed it into the depths of Atari 5200.

One of the game consoles introduced in the first Book of the Holy Bible, the Genesis is a video game console created by Phil Collins and Peter Gabriel that improves on the 8-bit graphics of the Coleco Adam and the Apple I used by Eve in the Garden of Eden by offering 16-bit graphics. Jesus christ himself proclaims Sega Genesis as his favorite console.

The mascot and Lazarus symbol of the book of Sega Genesis, Sonic the Hedgehog, hath earned enough extra lives to outlive the Genesis; Sonic often appears in other Video Game Consoles.

Zombie platform[edit]

The Sega Slogan was "Genesis does what Nintendon't" for the Sega Genesis, yet Video Game Players did not buy into that belief. Sega Mega Drive games are therefore often run via emulation, as the Mega Drive has become a zombie platform and hardly anyone wants their brains eaten anymore. The Genesis was mostly obliterated by the Amish using their Super Metric System Distortion Blaster. They then retreated to their home planet, Chaste 9.

Sega Sonic Mega Drive/Genesis[edit]

Sonic also brought to us the holy gift of blast processing

When Sonic the Hedgehog began to spread the word of the hedgehog, he deicided to tell the story of his original coming into this world. He used the Holy Sega Mega Drive to tell the word in a fun, interactive form, a better idea than Jesus ever had. People were instantly hypnotised into thinking hedgehogs were cool and blue. Pleased with the initial success, God sent down the other two parts of the Holy Trinity of the Hedgehog, Knuckles and Tails, to assist Sonic. together, they made a further 3 games and a movie. God had never been richer. All should have been well but there was only one flaw in the Holy Genesis: Yuji Naka, the mortal chosen to do stuff for Sonic. Tempeted by Satan/Robotnik/Eggman, he cocked up and translated the European version of the Holy Console to 'Megadrive'. Therefore, the hedgehogian message was not so strong in Europe. Sonic called Yuji an asswipe and gave him the asswuping of a life time. God was content.

The Mega Drive/Genesis Unit[edit]

The Genesis Unit, also called the Mega Drive Unit, as described in the Bible

One day, the events of the first three Mega Man games unfolded in the Mega Drive world. Immediately after this, Dr. Wily blackmailed God to create the Holy Trinity of Robots: Buster Rod.G, Mega Water.S, and Hyper Storm.H. This forced Mega Man to repeatedly go back to Dr. Light's lab for weapons and items he acquired during his previous adventures, though Dr. Light decided to be an asshole and did not let Mega Man leave until he gets at least one item, regardless of weather or not he got a weapon. Soon Mega Man came face to face with the Genesis Unit. Although Buster Rod.G went as far as to fight him twice, they were all singlehandedly defeated. Having disgraced Wily, and upon their subsequent disowning, the Genesis Unit hid themselves from the world for many years, only to re-emerge recently as the rap group known as Buster Rod.G and the Funky Fresh Gang.

“Ah, those were the days. Too bad their story is only free for Europe and Japan, while America had to subscribe to the Sega Channel, which is sadly now defunct.”

~ God on the Genesis Unit

Religious Beliefs[edit]

The Holy Trinity.

It is said to most that Sega is in fact the original name of God and that Sega Mega Drive is just a part of the holy book, The Master System. Later a smaller version of The Master System was released, this was known as the Game Gear.

Although Sega does not like to admit it, it was in fact Sonic who created the Holy Sega Genesis. He used as a tool to spread the hedgehogian message of peace and hog. It was also he who brought the two other parts of the Holy Trinity of the Hedgehog, Fox, and Echidna to Earth. However, Sega did create the known gaming world so fair do's.

Add-on books of the Sega Bible[edit]

$500 for a hi-res bible...sounds holy! Holy shit, that is!

Sega CD[edit]

Sega had a stupid idea and made a book called the Sega CD. It was unpopular, and did not get placed in the bible. You could insert shit FMV games with vampires into this book and read the Bible with more fun and awesomeness, but the damn thing costed $250. On the plus side, it did have a few awesome testaments amongst the crappy full motion video ones. Full motion video, my ass.

Sega 32X[edit]

Pretty much the same thing happened here. It was said that you could read the Bible in awesome 32-bit graphics, as suggested by the name, but it sucked and was a waste of money. Welcome to the next level, my ass.

Sega WMS[edit]

A system that failed to make it to production. The Sega WMS (Well Marketed System) was failed from the beginning, as it implied that SEGA knew how to make decisions that would ultimately lead to the conception of a system people were willing to pay for. Funding was cut, and Sega moved on to the Buford (all lies.)

Sega Buford[edit]

In 1997 Sega decided to purchase rights to the design of the ENIAC. They saw a market for video game systems that weighted in excess of 20 tons and used enough electricity to power your mom's face. After obliterating the GDP of China on the Buford, Sega was forced to spend the remainder of the budget on an office lunch featuring Wawa Hoagies and Tahitian Treat Soda. They closed their doors on Februember 20th, smoked a fat one, and now all live in the mountains, searching for an idol of a Blue Hedgehog that if a previous employe finds, will allow them to claim their 401 K benefits. Search on, pioneers.

Sega 64x[edit]

In 1999, with the impending U.S. release of the final chapter of the Bible, the Sega Dreamcast, Sega wanted to assure that all of it's religious followers would be able to read the final book in all its glory. At that time the Genesis had long been dead, so this extension module, coming in at a bargain bin price of $5,999.99 USD was planned to be released in mass market as a way to experience the next generation of virtual holiness for the broke shitheads who did not wish to pay a mere $1,099 USD more to purchase the complete Book of Dreamcast. The project was scrapped when Nintendo (also known as Satan) struck down the book of Dreamcast in 2001 and the name of Sega was disgraced forever until the second coming of Jesus-Sonic.

Sega 69x[edit]

The obvious addition to the Sega Bible. Essentially, it was the manual for all sorts of sexual maneuvers, most of which include a yak and KFC Bowls. It allowed for the mega sega explosion, during which worship of the holy console overtook Christianity as the world's major religion. The Pope later added the x in a drunken stupor because he believed that it made the name more "badass," which meant "appeal to retarded teens who think everything is better with the words fag, retard, chode, and 69."

Sega Toaster Destroyer[edit]

A retarded add-on that does nothing but blow up the toaster in your kitchen. It was mainly sold at Uncyclopedia Stores, Blockbuster and Ninos Italian Bakery.

Sega Toaster Destroyer Destroyer[edit]

A device designed to destroy fucked up on weed STDs so they don't destroy your toaster nonstop. Luckily, it escaped unfortunate acronyms by adding another D to the name, keeping it from the famous "Curse of the AIDS Acronym."

Sega Pasta Can Adaptor[edit]

Allowed you to eat cans of pasta without opening the can. It is very rare. It plugs in the cartridge port.

Quotes From The Book of Sega Genesis (AKA The Book of Sega Mega Drive)[edit]

1n the beginning Sega created the heaven and the earth. 2And the earth was without form, and void; and 16-Bit Graphics were upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of Sega moved upon the face of the waters. 3And Sega said, Let there be light: and there was Wonderboy in Monsterland. 4And Sega saw the light, that it was good: and Sega divided the light from the darkness, thus creating Alex Kidd. 5And Sega called the light Day, and the darkness he called Sega Time. And the evening and the morning were the first day, when he chilled and played Super-Hang-On for a while. 6And Sega said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the graphics, and let it the side scrolling beat-em-ups from the normal style beat-em-ups. 7And Sega made the firmament, and divided the games which were under the firmament from the Streets of Rage which were above the firmament: and it was so. 8And Sega called the firmament Sonic the Hedgehog. And the Control Pad and the Reset Button were the second day. 9And Sega said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dolphin appear. And so the one known as Ecco The Dolphin appeared. 10And Sega called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and Sega saw that it was good. For a laugh he also created crap games like Zero Wing. 11And Sega said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so. The Shining Force and Phantasy Star were formed. 12And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after the hit that was Sonic the Hedgehog, Sega decided he would make himself a sequel. 13And the evening, the morning and Mortal Kombat were the third day. 14And Sega said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years: Let there be Word Cup Italia '90!

Notable Games[edit]

  • Sonic The Hedgehog
  • Sonic The Hedgehog 2
  • Sonic The Hedgehog 3
  • Sonic and Knuckles
  • Knuckles in Sonic 3
  • Knukles in Sonic 2
  • Knuckles in Sonic Spinball Dash Upper
  • Knuckles in Sonic Ass
  • Sonic in Knuckles 3
  • Tails and Sonic in Knuckles The Hedgehog 3
  • Sonic in Tails and Knuckles Spitroast
  • Sonic 3CD and Knuckles and Knuckles
  • Super Mario 16
  • Columns
  • Columns 2
  • Decap Attack
  • Action 52
  • Centipede
  • Sonic and Tails 5 : Resurrection
  • Your Dad
  • Kid Chameleon
  • WWF Royal Fumble
  • Slappy the Beaver
  • Grand Theft Auto 8

See also[edit]