Sephiroth
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“He's obviously compensating for something.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sephiroth's sword
“You're the one to talk.”
~ Sephiroth on the above statement
“She's hot. No, really, she's on fire.”
~ Mickey Rourke. on Sephiroth's Beauty
“You all should be ashamed of yourselves! Making fun of Sephiroth... I didn't see any of you rise to become a god, or destroy the world, or crush an oncoming stampede of berserk espers, or have the power to obliderate an entire countryside because some guy was whispering something about your clown costume looking gay! FOR SHAME!! FOR SH- wait.. that wasn't him...that was me...my bad...”
~ Kefka on Sephiroth's legacy
“I wasted all my fucking elixirs trying to beat you, faggot!!!”
~ Sora on Sephiroth
“SEPHIROTH!!!”
~ Tellah on Sephiroth
“He's simply trash”
~ Ulquiorra on Sephiroth
“Eh, he can go fuck himself”
~ Grimmjow on Sephiroth
“... W-wait, Sephiroth's a GUY???... Oh... Oh God... OH GOD!!! B-but I get all these Game Informer magazines... AHHH!!! A-and the internet pictures... OH GAAAAAWD!!!”
~ Typical nerdy FF fanboy on realizing that masturbating to Sephiroth had disasterous consequences
“He's like a big middle finger to me.”
~ Ganondorf on Sephiroth
“And me.”
~ ExDeath on the above quote
“Ok, I know you all think his hair is good, but mine's better! You must realize that! His doesn't even defy gravity! I mean, I know Im blonde and... wait, what was i talking about?”
~ Cloud on Sephiroth
“Wow, Disney can make retarded mama boys into badasses...”
~ KH Cloud on Above Statement and FF VII Cloud
“Note to self, Change Name”
~ Sethrihoth on Cloud standing in front of him
“Show me your strength”
~ Sephiroth on fighting cloud
“shut up”
~ Cloud on above quote
“Give in to the darkness”
~ Sephiroth on above quote
“SHUT UP”
~ Cloud on above quote
- You may be looking for Kabbalah and not even know it!
Sephiroth (Hebrew: סְפִירוֹת) was the founder and lead singer of the hit metal band, S O L D I E R and the Republican Party spokesman from 1988-1992.
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[edit] Early Life
Sephiroth was born in 1975 in a commune in the Adirondacks, to his mother, Lucrecia, and his father, Professor Hojo. Due to his feminine looks, he was beaten up many times in junior high school and vowed to "Come back one day and kill those fuckers". Later, he attended Midgar High, where he discovered his passion for death metal. He went to Sector 6 Community College, where he met his later band mate, Bill D. "President" Shinra. After graduating he formed his first band, MaTeRiA.
[edit] The Band Years
MaTeRiA was composed of a few of Sephiroth's college buddies who decided to quit school and learn to ROCK. The founding members were Sephiroth himself (lead guitar), President Shinra (singer), Zack (drums), and Reno (bass guitar). Despite early successes such as Cetra Reborn and Cosmo Rock, the band was a financial failure.
In 1999, President Shinra was found dead in a motel room in Detroit, covered with stab wounds. His son, Rufus Shinra, filled his position. Sephiroth was accused of the murder, citing an argument he'd had with President the night before, but no charges were ever filed. Reno, displeased (read: pissed out of his mind) at the new choice of guitarist, left the band and formed the rival band Reno and the Turks. The new bass guitarist, Dyne, was an admirable replacement, despite the fact that he had a gun for a hand, which he often fired into the crowd at concerts. The tragedy was not yet over, though, for in 2000 Zack was killed in a drive-by shooting outside of Midgar. The band must go on, however, and an old fraternity brother, Cloud Strife, took over the drums. Seeing this dramatic rotation of the roster, Sephiroth renamed the band S O L D I E R, and the band went on to hit the top ten several times between 2002 and 2010, with the songs:
- Stab That Bitch Up
- Bishier Than You
- The Mansion of Lies
- Kill Aeris (Original Version)
- Jenova
- Burn Down The Town
- Kill Aeris (Remix Version)
- Calamity! (From the Skies)
- One Winged Angel
- 6ft Long Sword In Yo' Ass
- Waste Your Elixirs! (Kingdom Hearts Version)
- Bow To Me Or I'll Destroy Your World
- Did You Know I Killed Aeris?
- Meteor
- Me Insane? I Just Want My Mommy
- Reunion
- Where's Mother?
- I'll Never Be A Memory
- My Black Materia (ft. Cloud)
- Fuck the Lifestream
- I Killed The Flower Girl, Now I'll Injure Your Planet
Sephiroth also featured in several advertising campaigns, including those of Mitsubishie.
[edit] Fandom
After the release of their first album and the following tour, S O L D I E R quickly gathered a worldwide, underground fan-base. This spurred the making of the band's official fanclub, Clone. A custom amongst Clone members is to wear black hoods or capes, so to make themselves identifiable to fellow S O L D I E R fans. In order to separate themselves from the "regular fans", the more hard core fans of S O L D I E R have an additional custom of tattooing their Clone membership number onto their body.
[edit] Nibelheim Incident
Sephiroth is told by Professor Hollander that he is a 'monster'. Unsure exactly what Hollander meant, he demanded an explanation. Hollander proceeded to explain that he was created by a strange and relatively recently discovered process known as evolution. This made Sephiroth angry and exacerbated his emo tendencies. Hollander reassured him that "we're all evolution's monsters", but Sephiroth was not placated. He demanded to know why a wing was growing out of his back, but Hollander had no idea.
Sephiroth then headed to the basement of the Nibelheim mansion, where he spent days reading books on evolution. Cloud came down to see what he was doing, only to be impaled by Sephiroth (Cloud forgave him shortly after). Upon finishing The Selfish Gene, he decided that the only logical thing to do was destroy all life on Earth (he may have misinterpreted the book's message). However, once he burned the town to the ground he felt he had pretty much got it out of his system, and went back to the band.
[edit] Accusations against the Band
At the height of their popularity, S O L D I E R was accused of intentionally placing morally corruptive and dangerous messages in their music when the songs were played in reverse, including "Douse yourselves in Mako", "Sephiroth is God", and "Vote Democrat". However, the people making these accusations were fine, upstanding and morally upright people, and thus easily ignorable. The accusations of planted messages, however, came to a climax with the "Rufus is Dead" craze.
[edit] Rufus is Dead?
During the fall of 2006, Rufus was injured publicly in a barfight with Diamond Weapon. Due to the disfiguring nature of his injuries, he opted to remain out of the public spotlight for some time. His sudden disappearance created speculation, that he had not, in fact been injured, but rather killed. Proponents of this theory pointed to the cover of the album "Nibelheim ist Burn", where a car license plate is inscribed with "21IF". Proponents argued that the 21, divided by 7 (Rufus's shoe size) came to 3, the exact number of shots Rufus had had that night! When critics pointed out that this was completely irrelevant, proponents argued that near the end of Knights of the Round, when played backwards, one could hear Cloud saying "I buried Rufus". Critics, however, argued that he was not saying "I buried Rufus" and that a more accurate rendering of his words was "Ylenol me nyip hab". This is usually when the proponents would punch the critics in the mouth, and the critics would retaliate with a chair, and basically everything went to hell.
All rumours were dispelled, however, when Rufus showily unveiled himself during the first concert performance of Advent Children. Many theorise that this was actually bullshit taking the form of Rufus.
[edit] The End of an Era
All things must come to an end, however, in 2013 after finishing there latest tour of WEAPONS, Dyne was killed in a rock-climbing accident. The band, which had not had a hit song in several years, debated who was to be the replacement. Rufus supported Cait Sith, but two days later Rufus was killed by a disgruntled fan who had felt betrayed when Rufus had turned out to not, in fact, be dead. Sephiroth and Cloud decided to dissolve the band. It was later picked back up again by Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz. They maintained the same style as the ultimate Sephiroth fanboys. As QUIKSLVR, the name of their band, they were only liked by certain Pokemon and the band was later abandoned when Cloud hit Kadaj in the head with an old record. Kadaj got a concussion, and forgot all about the band, and his life.
Despite the passing of years, Sephiroth remained a focus for such bastions of reliable journalism as People and the National Inquirer. Still, once the media frenzy died down, Vincent Valentine and Hojo, who both had claimed to be Sephiroth's true father, attempted to meet with him. Hojo arranged a meeting between Vincent and Sephiroth, and died shortly thereafter. Sephiroth reacted violently to Vincent's presence (possibly under the influence of Mako), requiring Cloud, Vincent, and several other roadies to restrain him. No one knows exactly what happened, but the entire Earth was nearly destroyed.
Also, in 2032, Sephiroth actually went back and killed those fuckers. Then he ate a sandwich. A long, peaceful sandwich... no, he was not hungry.
[edit] Other Appearances
Sephiroth briefly starred in the hit tv show 'The A-team', replacing Mr.T as B.A Baracus while he recovered from porphyric haemophilia. Sephiroth was quickly dropped. He also was in kingdom hearts as a kick-ass boss.
[edit] Personal Life
Sephiroth briefly dated fellow one winged angel Genesis, but their relationship ended disasterously when Sephiroth caught Genesis having a threesome with Angeal and William Shakespeare. Following this tragic event, Sephiroth cut off a piece of his hair and put it in a box. The three fanboys mentioned earlier called Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo went in pursuit of said box as they claimed it "had magical powers" and would make them turn into Sephiroth. Three days later, Kadaj and co. were found dead at a yaoi convention. The reason for their death is unknown. The box was confiscated and is now being kept in a glass exhibit at the Hard Rock Cafe in New York, next to Paris Hilton's left earlobe. Paris Hilton, along with Tom Cruise and John Travolta follow the same religion as Sephiroth. They are all "Jenova's Witnesses."
[edit] Discography
- Bishier Than You
- A V A L A N C H E
- Final Fantasy's
- Black Materia
- S O L D I E R
- Omnislash This, Bitch!
- METEOR
- JENOVA
- Tapes Of Junon
- I'm No Angel
- The Time In The Northern Crater
- Advent Children
- WEAPONS (Ruby, Emerald, Diamond Edition)
