Serbia
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| This article may be Overly Serbian. Most of the world will not understand the humor of this, particularly concerning references to the far inferior Croats and Bosniaks, the thankless Kosovan leeches, the lazy Montenegrins, or delicious plum brandy. Do not attempt to remedy this. |
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| Motto: "Come to our happy mine fields!"
Real motto: "Srbija do Tokija (preko Milvokija)." Real motto 2:"Jebeš Ustaše!" Motto: Kosovo za opanke | |||||
| National Anthem: Bože nema Pravde | |||||
| 4 out of 5 Americans surveyed will agree the map below is correct: | |||||
 [location of Serbia]
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| Official language | Serbian (Ekavian version, not the gay Ijekavijan), Šatro (Troša), Nihongo, Nihon-to-Serubiago, Srpskonipponski, English, Engloserbian, Serboengleski. | ||||
| Capital | Den Haag (de facto) | ||||
| Government | Demonarchy | ||||
| Tribe leader | Papa Smurf | ||||
| National Hero | Miša Tumbas | ||||
| National Pastimes | Moonwalking Meat | ||||
| Territorial aspirations | From Baltic to Adriatic Sea, including Tokyo, Milwaukee, Karlovac, Karlobag, Virovitica and Ogulin | ||||
| Currency | Inches | ||||
| Religion | Orthodox Alcoholism Šabanism | ||||
“Milošević? I hate him, the bastard lost Kosovo. String him up. No wait. That was me. Shit.”
~ Slobodan Milošević on Slobodan Milošević
“Milošević? No, he was from Yugoslavia”
“yes serbia have many many old churches and monasterys.no balkan land have so much old churches then serbia.Serbia is also fantastic the land is very differnt,no country on balkan is so different as serbia.”
~ Deki---KG on Serbia[1]
“Žikina Šarenica je keva!!!”
~ Sylvester Stallonević on Serbia
Serbia is currently planning to be a huge sprawling nation compromising of large chunks of Southern and Eastern Europe within its historically recognized borders of Karlobag, Karlovac, Virovitica, Ogulin, and Tokyo. Roots of this scam reach back to many many millenniums BC when a Slavic-Klingon tribe settled in the area. Way back then, a construction of some Byzantium-style churches on the holy soil of Kosovo(and Metohija too) marked the onset of civilization.
It's still unclear how did this tribe end up in the Balkans centuries before actual Slavic migration, and just why would they build Byzantine-style churches more than 5 millenniums before actual Christianity and Byzantium. It's probably an internal joke between the tribesmen which modern historians really don't get. Only historical documents mentioning Serbs in this period were written by members of tribe themselves.
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[edit] Glorious History
[edit] The Beginning
Earliest mention of the Serbs among ancient Greek historians is after the Battle of Phillipolis where army of Smurfs, 15 little man strong, took over Macedonia, ahem South Serbia. Papa Smurf ruled the country until he was called-up for trial in (the?) Haag (Hague).
Serbs' first contact with Roman Empire was in 31AD, when the invading Roman army was decimated by two sleeping toddlers. Chiefs of Serbian tribes, after a night of heavy drinking, decided that it would "be hot" to go invade Rome, which they promptly did. Multi-party constitutional democracy was instituted; much more liberal than the old Roman Republic, and Rome reached new Golden Age in a few short months. However, since they were defeated by a handful of drunken barbarians, Roman historians decided to ignore this period after the Serbs sobered up and went home to get breakfast, leaving emperor Tiberius free to restore old Imperial system.
Subsequent Serbian adventures mildly annoyed other people of that age in south Europe, and the mighty Hun force was immediately accepted as a saviour by those poor victims of Serb oppression and Serb lack of personal hygiene. Nowadays, this is widely regarded as a gross miscalculation.
Other Southern Slavs that began arriving in the 6th century were not impressed by their new neighbors, and often complained that they were too loud and smelly.
[edit] Wars with Ottoman Empire
Worst conflict ever for Serbian people was one with Ottomans at Battle of Kosovo (or Serbia), in 1389. There, a great Ottoman army was crushed by Serbs, after the battle lasting 17 minutes. Serbs, as said, kicked their butts, but by a lowbrow backstabbing plan plotted by (probably?) the Vatican, Turks got into Serbia somehow and stayed there for a long 500 years to come. None of the modern history's "books" (Serbians refuse to write due to religious beliefs) don't tell anything about the Serbian magnificent victory, but who cares. Serbs celebrated as if they supremely won this battle.
Legend tells that lone Serbian knight, Duke Miloš Obilić, snuck into Turkish camp, and killed Sultan Murat. The knight was later SCUDed by the son of Murat, The great Sultan, Bajazit. Serbs then stopped celebrating.
Until this day a mystery surrounds this epic battle. It is unclear* how Duke Miloš Obilić managed to pass trough Turkish checkpoints and escape using a main battle tank. It is a legend that is passing from generation to generation of Serbs and still inspiring new warriors to continue this unfair battle. Some say Miloš was on the dark side, some say he was just another guy from local fitness club who joined war for fun.
- This is just in. The latest on how Mr. Miloš got the idea to go and assassinate the sultan. Apparently his wife Jelena and her sister Mara, a wife of a local drug lord and businessman Vuk Branković, got into quarrel who's pencil is sharper, Vuk's or Miloš's. So Miloš went to Turks to prove it. Also reported as present to the showdown was an unidentified Turkish prince, almost Caucasian and slightly blackish, 5ft 6, 180 pounds wearing a T-shirt saying "Will SCUD anybody who guts my father".
- One additional piece of folklore based on Miloš Obilić needs debunking: a popular Serbian proverb "Два лоша убише Милоша" (Two bad guys can smite even one Miloš, a free form translation) was actually invented by a foreign battle reporter immediately after the battle of Kosovo. The Order of Templars (precursor to what will become UN) had their war reporters sent over to Kosovo and one of them was stationed near the point of impact of said SCUD missile. The Templar had been enjoying his third or fourth barrel of Serbian refreshing beverage šljivovica at the moment of explosion, and -- momentarily grasping the impact of the event -- allegedly uttered the words "Too bad, Miloš's dead." This was heard by some Serbs nearby but due to their sense of hearing being impaired partly by the recent explosion and partly by the otherwise beneficial effects of the quantity of šljivovica imbibed, they misinterpreted it as "Two bad, Miloš dead". This didn't make any sense, which made it instantly popular among Serbs surviving the battle of Kosovo.
After five centuries (350 years) of life under the Ottomans (even though there were some suggestions to try sitting on them) Serbs decided to rise. And so they started the First Serbian uprising which involved the second most successful Serbian activity: war. For 9 bloody years Karađorđe Petrović led the Serbs through countless victories over the Ottomans only to be overwhellmed as soon as the Russians made peace with them. Well, that’s life.
Two years later, Serbs rose again, this time under Miloš Obrenović – and gainined independence. The plan revolved around THE most successful Serbian activity: corruption. After a year of bargining Milosh bought the country from the Ottomans for an undisclosed sum.
[edit] Classical Serbia
After the glorious national liberation, Serbs decided to make the longest-ever break in starting wars, and as a result the parts of history textbooks covering this period are pretty boring. It mostly involves a string of Obrenović kings that all have names that sound the same, billions of mutinies, and the terrible cons of Serbs actually having to govern their own country for a change. Since Serbs weren`t used to their history being boring, they reasoned there must be something very un-Serbly stylish about this period, hence the name.
[edit] More wars
In 1914, Austria-Hungary (called that despite persisted non-existence of Hungary) declared war after assassination of archduke Franz Ferdinand by Gavrilo Princip, a member of Bosnian Pro-Serb Activity group Young Bosnia. Serbs claimed, "he had it coming" because "he was frontin'". War lasted for 4 years because Serbia had bet with France that Serbs could defeat Austrians, Turks and Germans by using nothing except their feces. And they did. France had to give bet money back, and plunged into financial ruin for 30 years to come.
Brief peace was shattered in 1939 when Adolph Hitler invaded Poland. This made Serbs very angry, as they had (one) friend there, so they declared war on Germany. England, France, Russia and America were also in, or something. War ended in 1945 when Serbs nuked Berlin using a brand new weapon developed by their very own crazy scientist, Nikola Tesla. This weapon is now widely used in many fictional Video Games and Movies, and is called Doom Ray, Millennium Falcon, or whatever.
[edit] Kommunizam
During a victory celebration party, a couple of dope-smoking communists led by Marshal Tito (not to be confused with bad rock band Tito & Tarantula) noticed that the Main Government Building was empty, as all ministers were dancing drunk and naked in the streets. Communists seized opportunity to take over the country and declare themselves new rulers. A shaky alliance with Russia was shattered when Tito got in slap fight with Stalin. Stalin ran away crying like a little girl, although he would never ever admit it, even to himself, and left Toto in charge of the world.
Tito, to avoid emotionally draining slap fights with World leaders in the future, created an alliance of noble nations who didn't want to side with imperialistic pigs from Washington and Moscow. They called this glorious utopia the Non-Aligned Movement, a.k.a the Third World, a.k.a. The Mighty League of Extraordinary Power Pals. Tito proclaimed himself for a leader, and then went on a tour around the globe, starting with Ethiopia.
Cold War years were hard on neutral Power Pals, as they often threatened both America and Soviet Union to "stop acting up" and "play nice". Cold War ended in 1989 when the Mighty League of Extraordinary Super Pals said that if the USA and Soviets don't end hostilities immediately, they will just pick up and leave. Then one Serb leaned against Berlin Wall to have a smoke, but foundation was of inferior workmanship and it came crashing down. Not Serbian fault, honest.
[edit] Democracy!
In 1990 Kommunizam lost its fancy, and since the only Serb king available is a little "strange", Serbs had no other choice but to declare themselves a republic. Majority of population was not ecstatic at prospect of having to go out and vote once in a while, and the first president was elected by draft amongst unwilling citizens for the first time well into 20th century. Eventually, we just made a computer smart enough to rule the country (by using Random function).
[edit] Serbia Today
[edit] Overview
... is the name of a particularly boring agricultural show that goes weekly on Serbian national television, but is also a term for what's going on today in Serbia.
Today, Serbia is rebuilding after 1999 attacks by cruel and merciless Americans, British, German, and all others who have helped them (and vice-versa) in the long years after World War 2. Serbia is no longer a communist country, it is now a democracy, which means more McDonald's restaurants per sq. kilometer (a fictional unit made to show off in front of British: we don't have feet, we have meters, we don't have yards, we mostly live in apartments...).
Serbia's newfound prosperity can be fully explained by almost-winning the Eurosong contest a few years ago. The country's main export are Serbian pop-folk songs, sang by busty Serbian divas who were possibly born as men (no one knows for sure). Nowadays, it's main economic exports are raspberry juice, war criminals and basketball players you can bring into the game a minute before the end if your team is leading by 30 points. If you want a look at Serbia, and possibly money, go to Belgrade, rent-a-plane, and enjoy your view. We have mountains with trees and grasslands, honest. Churches, too!
[edit] Culture
All vegetarians and non-smokers have been permanently expelled from Serbia. Serbians not seen eating more than 500 kilo's of beef at any one time or those that do not have the necessary minimum of three packs of cigarettes on their person at all times will be executed on the spot by the culture police.
Under no circumstances should you allow a Serbian to die in your country. If that happens, expect that thousands of Serbs appear next day on your doorstep shouting: "THIS IS SERBIA! THIS IS SERBIA!" For some obscure reason Serbs believe that wherever there is a grave of one of them, they have the right to claim the land. Be very suspicious about Serbs traveling in pairs. It might very well be that they just wait for an opportune moment to kill one of them and claim your country. If you need to kill a Serb, it makes sense to take it outside.
Also, Serbs have similar believe regarding beer: "Wherever there is a Serbian beer - there are Serbian lands!". Therefore Serbs never had serious export of beer, no matter the traditional high quality.
[edit] Montenegro
People from Montenegro are known to be very lazy, slow and untalented (see No Name). In other words, these Monteniggers are Serbs who act and talk like Bosnians, and don't like to be called Serbs. If you call them "Hey, you Serb!" most likely the answer will be "Oca ti jebem!" (I fuck your father). This is to demonstrate their greatest difference from Serbs: when offended, Serbs, by contrest, snap back "Majku ti jebem" (I fuck your mother). The famous poet from Montenegro,Goga Sekulić, appear in Big Brother,and claim it's part of property on the camera,which is probably a Montenigger nationality, in the living room. More information about this scandal,you can read in SCANDAL, Serb-Monte-BiH-Cro encyclopedia.
[edit] Croats
Most people think that Serbs hate Croats. But that's not true, no! Serbs love Croats as Croats make-up funny cartoon character's names, like "Spužva Bob Kvadra Hlače" and "Zekoslav Mrkvić", and run Star Trek on their national television.
[edit] Etiquette
Proper attire: Young and attractive females should wear miniskirts as concealing your legs and breasts may be interpreted as a form of deceit and lack of character. Conversely, instead of shamelessly bearing your face around, it should be modestly covered with generous amounts of make-up. Men should properly tuck their sweaters into their jeans (don't ask why, it's just the way it is) and wear generous amounts of gold chains adorned with crosses to signify that your devotion to God is "worth your weight in gold."
"Polite" conversational topics: glorious history, tennis, kind Dutch peace keepers, Kosovo, epic heroic struggle, pre-2003 basketball, politics (yeah, f$%#ed up, I agree), medical procedures (among middle-aged women in crowded buses), offensive gay-pride parades... Anyone of Croatian descent will go by the name of "Ustaša" or "You There!"
"Impolite" conversational topics: work of any sort, gay rights, Kosova, disbelief in astrology, post-2002 basketball.
Behaviour in the pub-lic: It is expected that you drink up your "špricer" (50:50 mixture of wine and bubbly water) or rakija bottoms up and then smash the glass against the pub's (kafana's) floor (patos). Especially if "cajka" (fat-legged, over-siliconed, scarcely clad female) is singing, in which case, you are also entitled to start a brawl. If you carry a knife, you are encouraged to use it. If you carry a gun, aim for the head (even yours, if your buddies are moving too fast) if you dont at least make it to the hospital people will think you timid and weak.
If you see, or happen to run across a modern day Serbian, you will notice how incredibly good looking they are (except for the men - for more information, see Neanderthal).
American flags Albanian flags and European Union flags are found to be very good for cleaning windows, silverware and your ass and are common fuel for campfires. Their smoke, however, may be a bit toxic, so be cautious around them.
[edit] More famous villages and other settlements
- Užice - Inwires
- Negotin - Notnakedteen
- Subotica - Littlesaturday
- Peć - Heater
- Sjenica - Littleshaddow
- Gornji Milanovac - Upper Dearmoney
- Donji Milanovac - Lower Dearmoney
- Obrenovac - Ohwellmoney
- Mladenovac - Bridesmoney
- Bor - Pine
- Sombor - Catfishpine
- Vršac - Topper
- Topola - Thathalf
- Prijepolje - Wasfield, and it will be field, and free!
- Valjevo - Rollingox
- Novi Sad - New Now
- Nis - Notevens
- Pancevo - Panwillox
- Šabac - Whassupbro
- Ruma - Rumville
- Kikinda - Croatiancandyyeahright
- Vrbas - Pinetreefrom
- Čačak - Whawhak
- Bujanovac - Thrivingmoney
- Dušanovac - Soulmoney
- Dobanovci - Agemoneys
- Buđanovci - Moldymoneys
- Ugrinovci - Heatthemoneys
[edit] One Big Night Club
Serbia has had a history of confusing non-serbian countries for years. For instance, do Serbians have T.V.'s? Do they have internet? Aren't they a third world country? The answers for the above questions are, in order, 1) YES! 2) YES! & 3) NO! For stupid Americans, probably the easiest way to describe Serbia is that it is one Big NIGHTCLUB!!!!! [nightclub music plays, rising with crescendos and such, making the viewer possibly understand this great country]
[edit] The Greatest Sons and Daughters in Serbian History
- Milka Canić, the shadow ruler
- Our lord Nikola Tesla
- Nikola Šećeroski
- Miloš Obrenović (better known as The Horse)
- Saša Matić (a.k.a. "The Blind Prophet")
- Gavrilo (iz principa)
- Slobodan Milošević (Freeman Gentlefuck)
- Comrade Neil Clark (involved in clandestine gay partnership with Milošević)
- Željko Mitrović (Friends with Satan)
- Lothar Matthaeus
- Džej Ramadanovski
- Martina Navratilova
[edit] The Great Šaban Council
- Stoja
- Seka
- Ceca
- Piksi
- Pile
- Keba
- Boban
- Žika
- Baja Mali Knindža
- Sava Licimur (aka Sava iz Kikinde)
- Nole Seksoman
- Miša Tumbas
- Šabans (all kinds of)
- Nedeljko Bajić Baja
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| This article may be Overly Serbian. Most of the world will not understand the humor of this, particularly concerning references to the far inferior Croats and Bosniaks, the thankless Kosovan leeches, the lazy Montenegrins, or delicious plum brandy. Do not attempt to remedy this. |
 Socialistic Federal Republic of Yugoslavia
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