Seventh Day Adventist Church
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“I'm not suffering from epilepsy!”
~ Ellen G. White on having visions
“I dropped my snake during service, and I thought they were going to lynch me!”
~ Oscar Wilde on the SDA Church
“An errection is a flagpole on your gravestone! - Give this man an enima!”
~ Samuel Kellogg on SDA doctrine
“Campmeeting AND Jamboree?! I'm there!”
~ Lobotomy patient on Adventist activities
“whoever wrote this section are a bunch of sore losers, who will wish they had Jesus when that Day comes. May God have mercy on your souls”
~ Actual Adventist on presenting a rebuttal
| Founders: | Ellen G. White |
|---|---|
| Founding date: | 1845 |
| Governing body: | Generalized Workers Consensus of Seventh-day Adventists |
| Organizational style: | Survival of the fittest |
| Headquarters: | Somewhere in the bible belt |
| President: | Ultra Jesus |
| Membership: | 14–15,000 |
| Churches: | >120,000 churches and companies |
| Growth: | ~5% per annum (approx. 1 million accessions per year, dropout rate 35%) |
| Countries: | As far as they can reach |
| Employed workers: | 6,000 total employees with 6-7 figure salaries. |
| Schools, colleges and universities: | 7,000 schools, colleges and universities; approximately 69,000 teachers and 1,300 students |
| Budget: | $2.2 billion total completely untaxed tithes and offerings |
| Website: | adventist.org |
Contents |
[edit] Culture and practices
[edit] Sabbath activities
The typical Sabbath afternoon consists of building bunkers for the upcoming time of trouble, staring at the sun, and screaming at passing traffic.
[edit] Health and diet
No Meat. Your diet will be dictated by the whims of Worthington Foods.
[edit] Ethics and sexuality
chastity of both men and women before marriage. That means if we see that dick come out of your pants in any other place than in front of a urinal, its getting cut off.
[edit] Dress and entertainment
Adventists believe in dressing conservatively, because they believe that money is more wisely spent on fortification and personal firearms. As for entertainment, Adventists under the age of 18 are encouraged to watch videos portraying the demise of the church and their impending torture and death by the hands of the US government.
[edit] Pathfinders
The Youth Department of the Seventh-day Adventist church runs an organization for 10- to 18-year-old boys and girls called "Pathfinders", which is where young men and women are forced to buy used Nissans.
[edit] Organization
[edit] Tithing and Offering
Adventists feel compelled to tithe. If faced with their situation, wouldn't you?
[edit] Membership
Long story short, 100 people join, 35 people leave, 55 people die of old age.
[edit] Adventist Mission
The mission of the church is to make the prices of anti-psychotic and anti-depressive drugs skyrocket, in turn putting money into the pockets of their corporate pharmaceutical friends. The SDAs build the hospitals, charge 4 times what a normal hospital would and then claim to perform a service to those in need.
[edit] Health
Adventists have figured out how to live into their mid 90's making it so that one can have many years of wondering why they lived so long doing as others in the church told them to. Studies also show that lifelong members of the Seventh Day Adventist Church often die of a broken heart. They never had a chance...
[edit] Humanitarian aid and the environment
For over 50 years the SDA church has thrown money at poverty, by forcing students of their various schools to construct churches in places that they can extort money from. If a church is built in a small village, they'll be able to take 10% of SOMETHING for Christ's sake!
[edit] Religious liberty
You are granted complete liberty for how you live your life, what you eat and what you do in your free time. Just kidding. Listen to the church or ye shall be cast out. If you are "lukewarm", they shall spit you from their mouths. (Revelation 3:16)
[edit] Media
Public Relations are not the expertise of most Adventists, they tend to hiss and fart when cornered or questioned. The latest PR scandal is with a small boy named Rodney Vega. His father was a pastor for the church, but an Adventist run hospital in Florida denied him the care and $20,000 brain surgery that was needed, and he passed away on December 10, 2006. Sorry Rodney, but Maybach payments don't make themselves. We'll see you in heaven though!
And a totally unrelated but similar New Zealand incident
[edit] Offshoots and schisms
Throughout the history of the denomination, there have been a number of groups who have left the church and formed their own movements. They operate under their own system of beliefs and are hoped to be viewed as entirely separate from the church. Because if God does exist, SDAs know how to make him look stupid.
