William Shakespeare
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William "Bill" Shakespeare ,also known as Willy Shakes, Shakes Willy, Willy on Wheels, Will Unser Jr., Willy Drinks Beer, That Guy Who Wrote All Those Plays That We Have To Study In School, or DJ "Spear Shaker", has been known throughout history by numerous aliases, including "Tha Bard," "The Bird," "The Wand Waggler," "The Bread," and of course, his German name, Wilhelm Scheißehosen.
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[edit] That Play tomato!!!!!
Born in Shatford-upon-Avon to Catholic parents, Shakesbeer (ouch! the can exploded) was an obscure German astrologer and torturer of teenage students until he began writing a series of plays initially intended as bedtime stories for effeminate men.
William Shakespeare (who was actually the manifestation of a thousand monkeys tragically locked in a room for a thousand years typing away on typewriters "just to see") wrote tragedies, comedies, histories, pastorals, pastoral-comedies, historical-pastorals, tragical-histories, tragical-comical-historical-pastorals, and several Simpsons episodes, all in iambic pentameter. He even wrote gay porn, most notably a saucy little musical featuring Jacobean porn star/terrorist Guy Fawkes (stage name, Foxy Guy). Many literary critics believe that his plays were the precursors to today's sitcoms. His cock masterpieces Everybody Loves Titus Andronicus, My Name is Earl of Gloucester, and Harlotry in the City have particularly influenced many modern sitcom writers.
Shakespeare was once credited with murdering several lawyers in the Saxony region of Germany, but later this was revealed to be merely a publicity stunt. He was also blamed for sleeping with Britney Spears's mom. Owing to the fact that condoms were not yet invented, it is rumored that he has 35 children. A world record that stands to this day. We do know, however, that he coined the phrase "Thy mum!"
Shakespeare was also one of Sam Neils biggest fans and made him the lead for his two most famous plays, "Sabrina the Teenage Bitch" and "Blossom". Shakespeare was so great at getting Sam Neil to play the parts of troubled teenage girls that the term "Let us all take peace, so as we may not faulter but bask in the radiance of the giant one boobed olive tree" became synonymous with all of Bills work.
Shakespeare enjoyed having his nails buffed and also having his left ear poked with a purple piece of parchment called "Borris". One day, when the paper felt a bit hard , the idea of "Julius Ceaser" popped into his mind and he wrote it down. He then asked his mistress, called Bobina, to poke his left ear with the parchment that he wrote "Julius Ceaser" on. To his happiness, this paper was soft due to the amount of ink that had soaked into it from his writings and this became his new "Borris". Only a few years later, did he decide to publish this work.
In fact, Bill was made up by a noble Prince who wanted to become king of a noble country. Since this Prince -- we name him Hamlet for now -- needed a reason to kill the current (false) king, he made up the fictitious character Bill that should tell him what's wrong and rotten in the kingdom of his mind (he had such an horrible accent that people who heard him thought he said "there [was] something rotten in the kingdom of Denmark", but it is totally false!). So it happened that (alas poor) Hamlet did not know whether he was dreaming, sleeping or no more at all. To end these troubles Ophelia (drinking a lot!) made him decide to oppose everyone and Hamlet finally killed himself in and using a mixed-up mixture. Unclear though remains how Ophelia communicated at all because her father always spoke for her and that plenty of, almost drowning in words (which she took too metaphorically in the bitter end). The rest is silent as a lamb in heat.
[edit] The Authorship Controversy
In 1767 a painting was found depicting Shakespeare shining the shoes of Francis Bacon, Edward de Vere and Christopher Marlowe. This blew the cover of the whole Shakespeare myth, forcing the establishment to put English professors through terrorist and Nazi training, so they might become versed in Shakespeare torture, in order to prevent further leakage.
The four aspiring playwrights also played darts, scrabble, and basketball to decide who would write Shakespeare. Edward de Vere cheated but won all the games, and his first composition was what is today known as the "Aristocrats" Joke. Like all the plays, it was inspired by the trauma of his witnessing at the age of 3 an orgy of goats, deer, chimney sweeps and nymphs getting it on in his foster parent's guest house, while wearing on their heads pieces of Queen Elizabeth's lingerie. William Shakespeare won the girl's-digits-getting contest, that decided he would play Shakespeare and have his face on the cover of the April 1605 issue of Maxim.
It is a little-known fact that William Shakespeare invented the toaster, the helicopter, the time machine (Most people don't even know it existed), and something comparable to today's raincoats before he started on what he is most famous for - writing poetry whilst fishing for Norwegian trout.
| Shakespeare's existence is questioned daily by the Anti-Stratfordians, a group of people who despise Fender Stratocaster guitars and automobiles produced by Ford. | ||
| —Jimmy DJ | ||
Some scholars consider Shakespeare to have been the greatest writer before Leo Tolstoy. But that is only true for his work of the period that began when he had fathered the entity best known as Britney Shake-Spears on a rabid goat. After Britney's (or Slutney, as he liked to call her) birth he solemnly vowed to "never look at woman again," started to call himself Adolf Hitler and moved in with his long-time boyfriend and younger brother, Albert Schägg-Speer. In a superhuman effort, the two of them built the Olympic Stadium in Berlin from human teeth during their honeymoon.
William Shakespeare has also won a Grammy for "Best New Rap Artist", an accolade many attributed to the quality of his debut album, "Much Ado About Huffing", an album with subliminal messages of the dangers of drugs. His follow up, "MacMeth" sadly did not repeat this success. The term "waxing lyrical" is credited to Shakespeare, whom often could be found busting mad rhymes under the glow of candle light. Shakespeare, or "Bardpac" as he was known to close friend Dr. Dre was involved in a long-running turf war with the other great singer/songwriter of his age, Cliff Richard.
Shortly before his death, he wanted a sequel to his play "The Merry Wives of Windsor." However, he was so lazy, he couldn't do it himself. He travelled forward in time to the year 1913. He told George Saxe-Coburg-Gotha and Wilhelm von Hohenzollern, two cousins, to write that sequel. Shakespeare told Mr. Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to start dating Barbara Windsor, and to change his last name from Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to Windsor. Thus, "The Merry Wives of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha" was born. However, Windsor and von Hohenzollern could not decide on a topic, and, a year later, got into a big fight. This resulted in von Hohenzollern losing, and the tyranny of some random Kraut began.
At the time of his death, from intellectual and sexual exhaustion, Shakespeare was working on a play entitled Dude, Where Is My Codpiece?. Only nine people have ever bothered reading this unfinished manuscript, of whom four say it is bullshit, three have declined to pass comment, one was David Icke, who didn't really understand it, and one thought that it could be adapted into an entertaining movie, if perhaps the codpiece was replaced with some other object: say, a vehicle. History has proven that person wrong. The lost Codpiece play is reputed to have the greatest concentration of fart jokes found in any written work in any language.
(Incidentally, Michael Moore was also looking for his own codpiece, which he wears to political demonstrations and award ceremonies, when he wrote Dude, Where's My Country?. His publishers, fearing litigation from Shakespeare's ghost,[1] pressured Moore into removing all mention of the codpiece. But that's a different story.)
Shakespeare was also a flamming homosexual.
[edit] Filmography
- Free Willy (1261)
- West Side Toy Story (1965)
- 7-Up (1998)
- The Transsexual Lion King (many claim this film was ripped off by the play Hamlet but as there is no evidence for this it is most likely not true; it's probably just what English teachers said because they're jealous that Hamlet could not be as good as any form of The Lion King)
- Keira Knightley In A White Corset And Kate Beckinsale In A Black One (2005)
- Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle (1567)
[edit] An Interesting Theory
Some people believe that a million monkeys banging on a million keyboards would, given a nearly infinite amount of time, be able to produce Shakespeare's entire works. Since neither the funding nor the space for a million monkeys is readily available, the University of Michigan attempted to prove the theory using 126 monkeys and 14 undergraduate frat boys for seven and a half days in 1991. The closet result, as determined by a specially designed computer program.
[edit] Alternate Theory
Quite different theory has emerged. it depicts shakespeare as a woman. During the Elizabethan era, sex changes were just becoming stylish, and it is quite possible that shakespeare decided on a big change. This would defiantly explain the fact that credible historians have said that shakespeare spent a summer having gay butt sex with a powerful (in rank) homo sexual. this startled many strait shakespeare loving americans. the sex change operation theory would comfort the minds of many literate americans, and possibly put sex changes back into a mass popularity.
[edit] Bibliography
- Much ADO about nothing (1258) - A treatise on social networking and other database connections. Published in 1999 in its unabridged form (12,523 pages) by Microsoft Press.
- The Hairy Wives Of Windsor (1010) - A comedy on the impossible task a fat knight - Windsor - is set to shave his many hairy wives in just three days. Often misheard as "The Merry Wives of Windsor".
- My Love Slave is Lost (2008) - The tale of a man's desperate search for his lost love-slave. Often misheard as "Love's Labour's Lost".
[edit] William Shakespeare Jr
William "Billy" Shakespeare, son of William Shakespeare Senior, was born in 1904, in Lithuania, 9 months after his father's passionate love affair with Renee Zellweger. He was the inventor of the ball-point pen, the polo mint, and the magnetic strip on credit cards.
[edit] "Shakespeare was a hack" theory
Public school education focuses on long-dead poets and trigonometry but de-emphasizes things that are actually useful, like how to cheat on your taxes or identify a narc. This is why I know so much about William Shakespeare, literary icon and total hack.
Today is the Bard’s 445th birthday and the 393rd anniversary of his death. (It’s bad to die on your birthday, because people only give you one present.) Chicago’s Mayor Daley declared it “Talk Like Shakespeare Day,” which is a troubling sign for the economy, because Shakespeare couldn’t have offered much of a bribe.
It’s a major pain to talk like the guy because he wrote using “iambic pentameter,” which means “unnecessary apostrophes.” Let’s say you have to go to the bathroom. You can’t just say, “I have to go to the bathroom,” because that statement is surrounded by quotation marks. No, you’d have to say, “Verily, m’ bladd’r ars’t ‘bout t’ ‘xplode; O, won’t thou help’st me t’ thine t’e’r’l’e’t?” Of course, by the time you finish the sentence, it’s too late.
In his proclamation Daley noted that Shakespeare contributed more than 1,700 words to the English language, including “eyeball,” “assassination,” “froing,” “ptowda,” “glorum” and “Shakespearean.” But 1,700 words is less impressive than it sounds. More were invented per episode of “The Osbournes.”
Even if you excuse the writing, Shakespeare’s plays all still have the exact same ending, in which the main characters take turns killing each other in an overly elaborate manner. This gives them time to languish, mortally wounded, and speak in perfect poetic verse on how they’re about to expire.
Take “Romeo and Juliet.” Romeo, thinking Juliet has died, drinks poison; Juliet, who wakes to find Romeo unconscious, stabs herself. Then Romeo, who had confused poison with vodka, sees Juliet’s body and jumps off a bridge.
Juliet, who had only nicked herself and passed out from the sight of blood, is so depressed that she jumps too, only to learn the creek running under the bridge is about four feet down. Finally alive and embracing, the lovers are tragically shot to death by Hamlet.
Not that Shakespeare’s plays were original in the first place. “Julius Caesar,” which the Bard went to his grave swearing had been his own invention, was later discovered to be the transcript of a 44 BC Roman Senate session. Also, “Romeo and Juliet” was a rip-off of “West Side Story.”
That’s part of why some people speculate Shakespeare didn’t pen the works for which he’s famous. Academics are pretty certain he didn’t write his own CliffsNotes, for example. In a story that ran in the Wall Street Journal last week, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens claimed Shakespeare’s works were actually written by Edward de Vere, the 17th Earl of Oxford.
Stevens bases this conclusion on de Vere’s aristocratic status, the similarity between de Vere’s acquaintances and characters in the plays, and the fact that Stevens and de Vere were boyhood friends. And since a Supreme Court justice firmly believes it, you can be certain it’s not true.
To prove there’s nothing special about what Shakespeare did, I’ve created my own theatrical masterpiece. The Bard only wrote three different types, histories, tragedies and comedies, but my work encompasses all three. It’s called “MacBlago.”
I already have a pretty solid ending, in which the main character is crushed by a falling children’s hospital. I think crowds will love it, provided MacBlago doesn’t return to haunt the talk show circuit.
When “MacBlago” makes it big, you’ll see how easy it is to do what Shakespeare did. And you’ll know it was written by me. No matter what the Supreme Court says.
[edit] See also
Barmy British Stuff  | The complete works of William Shakespeare |
|---|---|
| Tragedies: | Romeo and Juliet | Macbeth | King Lear | Hamlet | Othello | Titus Andronicus | Titus Androgynous | Julius Caesar | Antony and Cleopatra | Coriolanus | Troilus and Cressida | Timon of Athens |
| Comedies: | A Midsummer Night's Dream | All's Well That Ends Well | As You Like It | Cymbeline | Love's Labour's Lost | Measure for Measure | The Merchant of Venice | The Merry Wives of Windsor | Much Ado About Nothing | Pericles, Prince of Tyre | Taming of the Shrew | The Comedy of Errors | The Tempest | Twelfth Night | The Two Gentlemen of Verona | The Two Noble Kinsmen | The Winter's Tale |
| Histories: | King John | Richard II | Henry IV, Part 1 | Henry IV, Part 2 | Henry V | Henry VI, part 1 | Henry VI, part 2 | Henry VI, part 3 | Richard III | Henry VIII |
| Poems and Sonnets: | Venus and Adonis | The Rape of Lucrece | The Passionate Pilgrim | The Phoenix and the Turtle | A Lover's Complaint | Sonnet 18 |
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