Shang Tsung

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Shang Tsung
Tsung during his run for Mayor of the Netherrealm

Shang Tsung, your typical Tharkanian sorcerer after some makeup. What he did with his natural blades is unknown (Most people believe he never is human or human-like)

Alignment

Very Evil

Abilities
  • Morphing
  • Conjure flaming skulls
  • Fights like a monkey


Shang Tsung III (or Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa; his birth given name) is a politician and sorcerer, he is very unpopular on Earth because of his positions on taxes; he believes people should be taxed of their souls also, because voters in the Deep South claimed he wouldn't be able to see or drive, much less work if elected to office. This is taken as a reference to Tsung's African American heritage. Tsung's tax policies also raise some problems with middle America, who cannot afford to pay Tsung's proposed rate of a soul a month.

Shang Tsung is considered lucky because he has been uppercutted by Scorpion more than anyone else without dying. Little do his constituents know, this is because Tsung is dead, and only kept "undead" by the immortal souls of the warriors that die in the Mortal Kombat tournament. Shang Tsung apparently also uses these souls as a moisturizing lotion, rubbing them on his face to preserve his youthful appearance. During this ritual he is allegedly heard moaning, "Ah, yes! yumm! Yummy!" every morning, neighbors report.

Shang Tsung is well known on earth to be a sorcerer with a slight problem with the tone and pitch of his voice as it goes from high to low at any given moment without an explaination. He is also well regarded as the master of subliminal sexual advances as almost every single on of his sentence have a sexual reference, pun, or even an advance within. He is constantly at odds with fellow bad guy Kano for the heart of the love of his life, Sonya Blade.


Mayor of Netherrealm[edit]

Scorpion has regularly beaten Tsung in the elections by a large majority, despite Shang Tsung's allowing of his possessed souls to participate in elections. However, Tsung is usually elected mayor of the Netherrealm when Scorpion doesn't feel like running for the office, which is most of the time.

During his run as mayor in 2001, Tsung has made it illegal for anyone not to kill Scorpion when they encounter him. To date, absolutely everyone has broken this law, leading to overcrowding of the Netherrealm prisons; a problem still evident as of March, 2007.

Internet Scandal[edit]

The controversial photo of Tsung during the 80's

In 1984 a leaked photo of Shang Tsung caused wide-spread controversy. The internet community at large mistook the picture of Shang Tsung at a Prince concert (inexplicably doing Michael Jackson's thriller dance) for a photograph of Original Jesus. This photograph was cited as evidence that Jesus had joined either KISS or the nWo.

These rumors were discredited by photograph experts three years later, when it became clear that the photo was just that of Tsung wearing a gay wig.

Early Life[edit]

Teishu(right), Tsung's older sister

Tsung grew up with his obese, violent, big sister Teishu Tsung(who had a secret stash of chocolate bars in her closet and also slept with Quan chi). Tsung ran away and later married jessica Simpson(the couple divorced in the year 5250470506 because she found out that he had a dick that was too small too make babies with).

Height[edit]

Shang Tsung stands at 5'6". But don't get him wrong, he was shorter in MK2. 5'6" is his natural height but when Shao Kahn substained his youth he made Tsung as tall as he was in high school(which was 5'2").

Earlier life[edit]

Shang Tsung along with his severely obese, violent sister Teishu(who is 2 years older than Tsung) were born in the Korean city of Jerk-off land. They had two dads and no moms cause there father fell in love with another man who later had an orgasim and made the two.He had a younger brother Quin-Chi, who, even at the age of 123, is still in kindy.

Assasination[edit]

Tsung was assassinated while Mayor of the Netherrealm. He was struck by 3 bullets. John Wilkes Booth who visited the Netherrealm saw Shang Tsung and called him by saying "Mr.Mayor people want autographs!" He came and John grabbed out the gun and fired 3 times. the first one struck Tsung in the stomach. the second one struck his spine and the last one hit his sack (infecting both testicles). Tsung then died and the netherrealm made Mayor Shang Tsung's assassin the new mayor. ALL HAIL MAYOR JOHN WILKES BOOTH!!!

Marriages[edit]

  • 1.Jessica Simpson (Divorced)
  • 2.Quan Chi(Divorced)
  • 3.Jessica Simpson(second time-Divorced)
  • 4.Mileena (Divorced but trying to win her back if she stops biting his cock off.)
  • 5.Martha Washington(until death- Martha then re-married to George Washington)

Children[edit]

1. Shang Tsung IV (adopted by Micheal Jackson "If you know what I mean."

High School dates[edit]

  • Shao Kahn(2000-2001)
  • Mary Todd Lincoln(2001-2002)
  • Nitara(2002-2003)

Return to life[edit]

Shang Tsung came back to life for the 3rd time, 4 years after his assasination. Finding out that his wife Martha had already re-married to President George Washington. 4 weeks later President Washington was assassinated by Tsung(one bullet struck washington's leg,the second one hit his eye, and the last one hit him in the head) and Martha and Tsung re-married after. as George died Tsung and Martha laughed at him as he succomed to his gunshot wounds.

Shang Tsung plays "The cheat game!"[edit]

While married to Martha, Tsung took a liking to Mileena his ex-wife. While at Kahns palace Tsung raped Mileena (severly braking the heart of Baraka). While having sex Mileena kissed Tsung and accedently bit his lips causing bleeding to the mouth. Tsung left and when Martha asked where he was he told her he was drunk.(WINK! WINK!)

Serve as president[edit]

after the retirement of President Abraham Lincoln, Tsung ran for president against Ronald Reagan and won (and kicked Reagan's ass after).

Retirement[edit]

after 7 years of presidency, Tsung retired leaving John f.kennedy as the new president. He is now at 36 years of age and spends the rest of his life fighting in The Mortal Kombat tournament.

Murder(3rd death)[edit]

Shang Tsung died for the third time at the age of 36. Eventually Martha found out about his affair with Mileena and invited her husband to a restraint and as soon as he sat Martha grabbed out the table knife, knocked him off the chair, and stabbed tsung in the balls, in the shoulder, in his eyes, once again in the shoulder, up his ass, and finally in the brain killing him. Martha was then sentenced to life in jail(where she met 50 cent)

Returns to life for the 4th time in a row![edit]

1 year after his murder Shang Tsung returned to life for the 4th time! Little does his ex-wife Martha know. He then re-married Mileena a week later(they divorced 5 seconds later).Tsung still lives on. But will keep coming back until his 10th life is over!

Marriage to Shao Kahn[edit]

Shang Tsung married Shao kahn on November 22, 1963. They were desribed as "the Gay Rod Couple". They had 3 children.

Present Personal Life[edit]

Currently, Shang Tsung makes his living in Hawaii. He now goes by his birth name of Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa and makes a living of going to prisons and giving speeches to inmates on the art of healing and making critical criticisms on the Martial Arts industry. He has claimed himself to have once been a bad kid during his childhood, but nobody believes him. Because of his love for white tea and having appeared in a commercial for Snapple White Tea and revealing how the ancient beverage is made, he has received the unofficial nickname of "Mr. Baby Tea Leaves".

He remains good friends with fellow bachelor for life Kano; whom now goes by his birth name of Trevor Goddard. The two have worked together on a successful music career and still make a living of making sexual advances on Sonya Blade.