Shannon Hoon

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Shannon Hoon.
Shannon Hoon and Bob Dylan at Woodstock

If I knew where I was right now, I would definitely be with Shannon Hoon. That Shannon Hoon is a pretty good fella', you know?

~ Bob Dylan on Shannon Hoon

Im the only gay eskimo. I aint seen it coming on a ski.....Jesus Christs fits in there somehow as well, and the crack was good

~ Van Morrison on Shannon Hoon's genitals

Isn't he that lad from that band with the bees who has the backside which is tight and robust?

~ Oscar Wilde on Shannon Hoon

Richard Shannon Hoon (born December 25th, 0 BC) is a Kazakhstani sausage factory owner and the lead singer of the band Deaf Potato.

Early Life[edit]

Shannon Hoon and his mother, Bristol Palin, only moments after his birth

Hoon was born behind a Joe's Crab Shack in the year 0 BC to a virgin by the name of Bristol Palin. Hoon began using his middle name, Shannon, because he wanted to be a woman. Not only did he want to be a woman, but he wanted to be Barbra Streisand. Palin did not approve of her newborn baby's want to be Barbra Streisand, so she abandoned him in the dumpster. On December 18, 1965 Bob Dylan was smoking a blunt behind that very same Joe's Crab Shack when he heard the sound of a baby crying coming from a dumpster. He went digging in the dumpster with intentions of eating the baby, but was disappointed to discover that this crying noise was actually Shannon Hoon singing. When Bob Dylan locked eyes with Shannon Hoon's magnificent beard he was immediately smitten. Never had he seen such beauty. Because of his unrequited love felt toward Hoon, they formed a band with Kenny G and called it Deaf Potato.

Relationship with and Marriage to Bob Dylan[edit]

It was reported by Kenny G that Bob Dylan had intentions of marrying Shannon Hoon long before they met. In fact, he reported that Bob Dylan had intentions of marrying Shannon Hoon long before Bob Dylan was even born. After Hoon and Dylan met, they immediately began a sexual relationship with one another right there on the spot. Bob Dylan was always seeking an emotional relationship with Hoon. Dylan would constantly propose that they become romantically involved, but Hoon always replied that he was not interested. Devastated by Hoon's constant rejection, Dylan impregnated Edie Sedgwick and married Sara Dylan. Dylan and Hoon both soon entered a period of depression where they drowned themselves in cocaine and cheap whores. In 1977, Bob Dylan divorced his wife and proposed to Hoon. Hoon accepted Dylan's proposal and they were married March 2, 1978. Bob Dylan commented to Rolling Pebble magazine, "That was the last time I was going to propose to Shannon. If Shannon didn't accept, I was just going to give up on music and pursue my dream of becoming a Victoria's Secret model." Despite this comment, Dylan and Shannon both went on to become Victoria's Secret models.

Shannon Hoon bathing in a river with Bob Dylan, Kenny G, and Mozart

The 1990s[edit]

In 1992, Deaf Potato shot to stardom because of a song called No Rain. This song was all about how sad Shannon gets some time and it made many women want to have sex with him because of how "sensitive he is" and because his beard is all-knowing. Hoon made quite a bit of money off of this and was able to buy himself his own personalized statue of himself dancing shirtless with Oscar Wilde and Janet Joplin. Soon after the purchase, Deaf Potato released an album called Soup which is about all of the words he can make with the letters in his alphabet soup. Because this album sucked and no one wanted to buy it, Hoon was disgraced. Hoon was also having marital problems with his husband, Bob Dylan, at this time. Both of these most likely contributing to him faking his own death and living under the name Jessica Simpson. After Hoon's fake death, he was running low on cash so he decided to make another album with Deaf Potato called Nico. He managed to record and release this album without anyone realizing that he was still alive. Not much is known about Shannon Hoon's current whereabouts, but it is assumed that he is dating that guy from R.E.M.