Shaolin is a kind of Buddhism invented in China in the fifth century AD. Unlike most kinds of Buddhism, which involve wimpy stuff such as sitting in the Lotus Position, vegetarianism, pacifism, flower arranging and afternoon naps, being Shaolin involves smashing stuff. Paving slabs, blocks of ice, expensive Ming vases, heads and other objects while meditatiing. On occasion they will train with weapons as well, including swords, staffs, monkey fists and heads. However, despite their penchant for destroying valuable objects, heads, and abusive white miners, the practitioners of Shaolin only do so for defensive reasons. It is a well known fact that blocks of ice always attack first.
- Mighty Tiger
- Stretching Monkey
- Juddering Otter
- Crafty Woodpecker
- Disrespectful Frog
- Constipated Weinerdog
China's newfound enthusiasm for capitalism means that the Shaolin temple no longer faces the threat of being ransacked every couple of years. Instead, it has to deal with a more pervasive menace: commercialization. Unoffical Shaolin goods have been begun to spring up everywhere, including Shaolin beer, self-help videos, denture adhesive, toilet seats and lactose free chocolate milk.
The monks have wasted no time in dealing with those who have brought dishonour and disgrace to the Shaolin temple, by launching their own line of official Shaolin brand products. Look out for official Shaolin lawn sprinkler heads, ear plugs and heavy duty grout remover coming soon!
No-one has ever heard of the Shaolin Nuns, so they must be really good.