Sheep
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Invented by pie-lover Weebl ,after he needed something to pour his gravy on Sheep, AKA, Fluffodemons are the favored "companion" for Australians people from Aberdeen and the Welsh (or so the New Zealanders, and English respectively would have us think.) Interestingly, they are the largest minority in Australia - in fact, they outnumber the orcs 50 to 1. However, they have nearly no voting rights or freedom at all in the hypocratic country, being constantly abused by their taller counterparts and locked into fences. Shaun the Sheep is the leader of the current movement for more Sheep rights.
Sheep are the prime suppliers of dag wool and have been ever since they muscled out their competition, the woolly mammoth, however they are currently on strike and will be for the foreseeable future. In the meantime, Serta has been busy engineering so-called "Acrylic" sheep and selling their " Dag Wool" as a substitute for the real thing. Real sheep, however, continue to be used to make leg-of-mutton sleeves.
To be honest, sheep are a very boring sort of animal. This is why they are so good at helping to put people to sleep. As the New Zealanders say,"You never have any trouble sleeping with a sheep."
Sheep were greatly revolutionized upon the invention of the Sheep Pod. Sheep barely escaped extinction in the Hundred Year Sheep Purge, but were saved as a species by the Welsh Society of Sheep Fanciers from the slaughter which decimated the followers of sheep-controlled Woolco.
Sheeps have a very distinct and secret language. One can only hear it when it's constipated and getting shot in the ass by a farmer.
Wool, which keeps sheep cute and cuddly, was invented by Albert Einstein.
The dag, also known as crusty shitty sheep arse, is used by Australians as a term of endearment, which explains rather a lot.
The plural of sheep is Shipe, and the singular is shoop.
Unbeknownst to the general public, Asian shipe are at a constant risk of being abducted by a particularly elusive group of Shaolin monks and taken to the ancient city of Euthanasia, where they are trained to become ninja-shipe. Several hundred cases have been reported during the last decade where a sheep-herder has noticed missing sheep in his herd, only to have them return up to half a year later as full fledged ninjas, often even wearing appropriate swords and costumes. The reasons for this are thus far unknown; many believe that this is a cornerstone in an unknown Euthanasian conspiracy to conquer the world, while other thinks that this is no more than a practical joke; the monks are simply being bored out of their skulls and have decided that sheeps are loads of fun to hang out with and that they would be even funnier if trained as ninjas. And besides, sheep would make lousy monks; the phrase "one hand clapping" would have no meaning.
Sheep made their on-screen debut in the movie "Brokeback Mountain", but most of their acting was cut out because it was "inappropriate for the audience and took away from the love story" so, most of the cowboy-sheep sex was replaced with cowboy-cowboy sex. Many of the sheep from the movie objected to the movie cuts, but the mainstream media did not cover the fued with producers. Ewe, one of the few actors from the movie still in the hollywood spotlight, attepted to start her own reality show, called "America's Next Top Sheep" but was sued by Tyra and other producers of the famous show after only three weeks of airing, and all who watched the show before it was cut from the air had their memories erased. Ewe's trial is still ongoing, but is once again not covered by the media.
There are also vampire shipe, and based on current areas of scientific research one can only conjecture as to the existence of Lesbian Vampire Sheep. Rest assured that if they do exist the following will also be true:
- Someone will record the porn on their camera phone.
- It will be made available on the internet.
- Google will be able to find it.
Unless of course vampire shipe have the same reaction to cameras as mirrors, but we should at least get the sound effects.
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[edit] Population
There are about 968,000,043 sheep in the world. 968,000,000 of these yogurt machines live in New Zealand. 22 are held captive in places such as پاکستان (Pakistan) and Iraq as male prostitutes.
[edit] Characteristics
Shipe actually have two legs longer than the other legs. The reason for this being so that they can stand on the mountains. Unfortunately if the shipe are born the wrong way round they will roll down the mountain. This is admittedly incredibly amusing, proof that God has a sense of humor, and proof that sheep are meant to reside in tiny cages 24 hours a day 7 days a week like the rest of God's wonderful productive creatures. Many of which, can do much worse or strange things.
Sheep, like all wool-bearing animals, instinctively travel north where it's cooler and they'll be less stuffy and more able to attract well hung red-necks to pleasure them (Or Democrats).
A little known fact about sheep is that they actually are actually allergic to wool. Further proof that even God has it in for sheep.
[edit] Sheep behavour
Sheep behavoir had ponderd us humans for centurys but in the early 1940's Doctor Melon a hypothetical freind of the Sheep physicst Proffessor L. Emerson created an algorithm which explained Sheep beavoiur and allowed sheep physicstis to predict sheep behaviur for the first time ever. This algorithm went on to be used in weird Shoop event bombs and Shoop Pull energy generators.
[edit] Sheepish
To display sheep-like qualities, such as: eating grass, growing a fine woolly coat, passing currant-like faeces.
Sufferers will usually develop an acute fear of mint, square pupils and stiff back legs. Can often be found running down the middle of country roads.
A Domestic Sheep (Ovis aries) is the most common species of sheep. As such it is a woolly ruminant quadruped which probably descends from the wild muff of the south-central and south-west United States.
A sheep tied to a lampost in Aberdeen, Scotland is generally known as the "Local Leisure Centre". A sheep tied to a lampost in Australia is generally known as a cheap hooker. However, prudence is advised when approaching a sheep in these locales, owing to the proximity of the dangerous female of the species (scot that is) - see Scot Sheep Complex
[edit] Sheeple
Sheeple are a hybrid form of sheep and people. As a group, they form super-organisms known as flocks, which are directed by supreme entities such as the Pope or Sean McGregor (1989-2007), however most are not created in the laboratory but are the result of many aberdonians/welsh/aussies shagging Sheep, typicaly in small towns such as Monmouth. The higher supreme entities have flocks that span the entire globe. The supreme entities are always in search of higher vantage points from which they may monitor their flocks. This has driven the supreme entities into a space race, and the colonization of the moon, with rumors that even higher vantage points are being sought. Sheeple seem to have their own sort of religion based on the holy doctrine of Animal Farm and Animals. They believe that they are the chosen people of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and they must rise up against the Pigs and Dogs. The following is considered their major hymm, known as Sheep, written by George Orwell:
The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want He makes me down to lie Through pastures green he leadeth me the silent waters by. With bright knives he releaseth my soul. He maketh me to hang on hooks in high places. He converteth me to lamb cutlets, For lo, he hath great power, and great hunger. When cometh the day we lowly ones, Through quiet reflection, and great dedication Master the art of karate, Lo, we shall rise up, And then we’ll make the bugger’s eyes water.
[edit] Origins of Sheep in North America
Sheep were created out of necessity in the year 2734 BC in Platteville, WI. Miners from Atlantis had come to Platteville in search of dilithium crystals for their tea. When they got there, they found no woman for to perform the sacred art known as nookie, so they prayed to their god known as The Furry One for assistance. On the 37th day of their prayers, their god came from a place known as Tijuana where she had been enjoying the art form known as "The Donkey Show". The Furry One decided to grant the miners their request, influenced by her recent evenings of enjoying watching and participating in The Donkey Show, she decided something on 4 legs would be much better suited for these miners, she took one of the local animals known as the pig, and recreated it in The Furry One's image, giving it a white wool to keep the miners warm at night in addition to the type of companionship the miners needed. The miners were grateful. Their numbers multiplied greatly. This continued for the next 4,372 years until the Mormons came. But that’s another story. Their decedents have formed a group known as the Alumni of UW Platteville that still celebrate the origins of their community at least 3 times a day.
[edit] Australian Sheep
There use to be a lot of sheep in Australia! Until man whore John Key came along and stole them!!
The current population is 21. This population is declining due to the sporatic kidnappings!! (Not really, we're lying. The population is rapidly decreasing due to Helen Clark shagging them to death. Helen also dies because of the sperm overload in her widely streched anal hole. She has MURDERED over 250,000 sheep at the minimum and is currently being hunted down by the OFSRSA (Oh Fuck She's Raping Sheep Again) . It is believed she has currently fled to New Zealand to pursue a career in the adult entertainment industry as a Black-crowned Central American Squirrel Monkey.)
[edit] Sheep in science
Whilst biology and other false ideologys Claim to understand and be able to explain the atributes and behvaoiur of sheep, the only field of knowledge that is reeeeally able to clearly and cogently explain and understand these sexy beasts is the most glorious feild of Sheep physics. Sheep phyics is an underrated Field of science whose theorys have the pontienal to produce free energy or creating doomsday devices depending of intentions. One component of Sheep physics is the Penis algor(ithum)it is a complex algorithem concerning The Sheeps atraction to one another , it was defined by the imaginairy puedoscientist Doctor Melon whose mathemetical predictions lead to his freind the insane puedoscientist Proffessor L. Emerson creating the feild of Sheep physics,
Sheep physics was first descibed in the book Ruminant forces by Proffessor L. Emerson. It contunues to be a vibrant new exiting addition to the unexplianable magic of Science.
[edit] Sheep as Currency
As of December 7th, 1976, with the passing of the Australia currency reform bill, fluffodemons were considered legal tender within Australia, equal to the value of $17. Many stores throughout the continental boundaries have taken up the $17 flat rate by which everything for sale costs $17, to bad the prices went up and one shoop was worth 300 cows,aka animals with hamburgers inside them. This has removed all need for wallets, as Old Aussies now just carry a sheep under each arm, although this has lead to rumours circulated around Australia of our supposed alternate uses for said sheep, such as sexual gratification or for Shoop event Bombs.
[edit] Sheep as Foodstuff
Sheep are edible, as proven by experiments carried out in the fifteenth century in either France or Wales. The popularity of Sheep-Meets has declined in recent years for reasons that escape the minds of mortal men.
[edit] Sheep in the media
In May 28th 2008, the media because aware of a real sheeple living in amongst normal people. His name was nicholas bentley. Discovered by the great sheep explorer danny, this particular variation of sheeple has learned to mingle and live in normal human society. The media arranged a reunion with his parents in june 2008, a common welsh man causing a hazard, and dolly the sheep, which was the hazard.
[edit] A Belated Christmas Message to Fellow Sheep Farmers
"ello me dearios, it's yer ol' friend Farmer Bin Laden 'ere, offering you a few tips for the 'ol festive season, there. Now from all the letters I receive, the prevailing problem this time of year (especially for Hill farmers) still seems to be that caused by sudden angelic visitations. Now as pretty as it may be to have the whole heavenly host descend upon one's flock declaring the Messianic birth, with all them pretty lights and music and whatnot, it can really put the willies up the ol' woolly one's there.
The big problem, as most of you seem to have found, is that they just don't know when to stop. One farmer who contacted me spoke of having to endure 5 hours of "Deo Gloria" and heavenly trumpets. "By the time they finished, me flock had dispersed and I couldn't hear a bloody thing for a week afterwards".
Then,of course, there's them bloody archangels careering around with their burnished blades and shields. Most of us can put up with the occasional visit from Gabriel (who's a noice bloke and good for a laugh) but it's that bloody Michael that 'as to be watched:
"BEHOLD MORTAL, I AM THE ARCHANGEL MICHAEL! HAST THOU BEHELD THE GREAT DRAGON?"
"She's at home with the kids
"FORGO SUCH PREDICTABLY SEXIST REMARKS.I REFER TO THE GREAT DRAGON SATAN AND HIS ARMY OF DARK ANGELS.FOR IT IS MY DESTINY TO CONFRONT AND FIGHT THE FORCES IN THE GREAT BATTLE OF ARMAGEDDON, THE FINAL GREAT ETERNAL BATTLE BETWEN THE FORCES OF GOOD AND EVIL!!"
"Never moind your eternal cosmic struggles, what about moi lambs?"
"FOOLISH MORTAL!! DON'T YOU REALISE THAT THE ONLY LAMB THAT MATTER'S IS THE LAMB OF GOD?!!"
"That's easy for you to say, but this lot 'ave got to go to market in the morning and there's little demand for freaked out livestock you know."
"CEASETH THOU TO FUCKETH ME AROUND CHUM!!! HAST THOU BEHELD THE DARK SATANIC HORDES OR NOT?"
"Yes, they were here about 10 minutes ago. They were heading for the chippy."
"THE CHIPPY??!! WHAT FOUL ACCURSED PLACE IS THIS OF WHICH THOU SPEAKEST?!!"
"Down the hill, turn left at the lights past Macdonalds, it's there opposite "Fruities"".
"THANK YOU MERE MORTAL!! TRULY YOUR NAME WILL BE INSCRIBED IN THE BOOK OF LIFE!!"
"Never moind all that baloney, just bugger off and leave moi lambs in peace!! Oh, and get me a portion of scampi while your doing it."
So what can we do combat the problem? Well, Oi've always favoured the subtle approach, meself. At the first sign of an angelic visitation, Oi blasts it with me 12 bore. Always works for me.
till next time me dearios
