“Holy shit! Sheets!”
“Blankets are better.”
Hello there! I'm glad you have purchased your new set of Sheets. At first, you may wonder how your Sheets improve your life. Well. Aren't you the fucking philosopher? But enough of my small talk. Since I'm in such a joyous mood, I will tell you all about your Sheets and how they help you, your family and small, starving Ethiopian orphan children. It's just that good!
Sheets - The Origin
Sheets have probably been around from the beginning of time, since God was pretty groovy and handed out Sheets where ever he went (strip-clubs and the like), but the first recorded use of Sheets occurred in ancient Egypt, where the Pharaoh Omighodsheets whipped any foreigner with Sheets made out of pure potassium, but these Sheets lost popularity, as when they got wet they exploded, causing consumers to burst into flames. This was at first blamed to cat allergies, and then to dog allergies, but was eventually pinned on George W. Bush allergies.
The use of Sheets continued into the 17th Century (is that the 1600s or the 1700s? Fucking History classes.) and were made of silk, furry hamsters and gherkin fiber. Upon arrival to England, the Spanish Armada attacked the British galleons, but were absolutely pwned by the British navy, who obviously used Sheets to survive. Probably.
In 1989, the USSR eventually realized they were absolutely fucked. In a desperate attempt to secure funds for their communist actions, Gorbachev assassinated Thomas Edison and stole his idea for Sheets. At the time, Sheets seemed like a luxury at the time, and only until the Sheets Incorporated company began mass
reproduction did Sheets become easier to distribute to the global community. Sheets have been used throughout the ages and have been extremely popular, even until now. Unless the world ends tomorrow, and it might, Sheets will always be loved by the poor, rich, and lepers.
Famous Users of Sheets
Among the billions of people that have and are still using Sheets, there are a few celebrities that have used Sheets throughout the ages. Jesus has always loved Sheets, and invented the modern-day parachute after seeing if he could fly off a cliff. Judas had believed he would kill Jesus by cutting a hole in the Sheets, but this only improved the effect of flying, so Judas got very angry, had a tantrum, and counted to ten. He then calmed down and had naptime. After flying, Jesus also realized that he could profit from his invention, and quickly patented his invention before Walt Disney could steal it.
Abraham Lincoln also used Sheets regularly, and wore a stovepipe hat to conceal his spare set of Sheets that he often carried around with him. A rival of Sheets, John Wilkes Booth, killed Lincoln with his karate chop death blow to the back of the head, ran into a Cat Factory, and promptly asploded from his allergy to cuteness.
That guy who invented the Rubik's Cube also liked Sheets. Pity nobody knows his name. Most believe his name was lost in the Vietnam War, after being traded to the Vietcong for half a BLT sandwich and a cup of chocolate milk, but these rumors remain uncertain. The sprawling mansion of the guy who invented the Rubik's Cube was napalmed in order to conceal the dastardly US Military secret.
The Use of Sheets
Sheets may at first, scare and confuse you. Don't worry, it's only normal, but if these Sheets have turned brown or yellow, or possibly red, you may have to buy new ones. And no, we don't do insurance, you scammer. But if you follow these simple instructions, you might just get it right and not fatally injure yourself. But even if you fail, don't worry! Some people weren't meant to live.
1. Remove your Sheets from its packaging
This first step can be tricky, if not properly equipped. You must have a pair of bulletproof goggles, a plastic bag, a newborn kitten (blind and deaf if you can acquire one), and a cyanide tablet to take in case things get ugly. First, use your newborn kitten to sniff the area for Anti-Personnel mines - cashiers are little sons'a'bitches.
Now, pick up your kitten and throw it at the Sheets package. The kitten fur will cut through the plastic like Oprah through Kentucky Fried Chicken. Third, place the Sheets into your plastic bag. Be careful of shrapnel and sparks. Possible electrocution hazard.
2. Lay out your Sheets
Tip your plastic bag's contents onto your mattress. If you don't have a mattress, you are royally fucked. I mean really, really fucked. There's no point even buying Sheets if you don't have a fucking mattress you fucking loser. Screw this, I'm not even going to give you Step 2. You had your chance.
3. Tuck in your Sheets
This part can be difficult if not fully ready for the aftershock of "tucking in". It may sound simple, but I assure you, it's not. Keeping your goggles on, carefully place the edges of the Sheets under the mattress. You did have a mattress, right? Assuming you do, ready yourself for the aftershock. It's gonna hurt. A vest made of pure silver would help, but considering you're not a king of anything or a blacksmith, it's probably out of the question. For now...
I'm serious. You may have used other products such as Blankets, Pillows, and Pillowcases, but nothing is as deadly as Sheets' aftershock. After finishing your Sheets, you may have noticed a faint buzzing in the air, lack of sight, and incontinence. It's natural. Your dog may have died by now. Sorry, its the price you must pay for Sheets. Alright ready... ready... AAAH! Oh god, no! Make it st-stop! No, no... noooo!
5. Are you Okay?
Oh god... I didn't think it would be like that... are you alright? Not dead? Good, good... I t-think my legs... broken, yeah, broken. Call the hospital... ah shit, the phone's dead. Oh god I'm bleeding... everywhere. I'm gonna die man, gonna die. Are... the Sheets okay? They are? Perfect? Great... oh god... I can't see... I can't feel a-anything... I can't... breathe...
How Sheets Help You
You know those Christian World Funds for Children advertisements? And how they always say, "You can help buy just donating twenty dollars... hungry hungry children... drink muddy water... nobody likes green eggs and ham... I do not like them... Sam I am..." and all that jazz? Yeah, its all lies. The only real organization dedicated to helping starving people is us. And I speak nothing but truth. Most of the time.
The purchase of Sheets enables us to give 12.5% of the profit made to the hungrier countries such as Kenya, Mongolia, and America. This act not only gives us mad street cred, but also gives us a better standing in the United Nations, and more ability to influence separatist terrorist groups to do our evil, evil bidding. The majority of the UN are now in our pocket. You want New Zealand? Easy. Pakistan? Got it. Peru? Well, we can't get Peru mainly because of the Harrison Ford Treaty that prohibits us from doing anything to Peru. You can't even go there anymore. Under punishment of instantaneous comatose.
Damned Harrison Ford.
Thanks For Buying Sheets!
Thanks. Nuff said.