Sheriff

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Origin of the Sheriff[edit]

The Sheriff is an occupation that has its origins in Britain, according to an old French myth: "And lo, a man with a pot belly issued traffic tickets, and then Sir Lancelot came by, and issued challenge. In the first pass the Sheriff did smote the knight upon the shield, and both did break their spears. In the second pass the Sheriff did smote the knight upon the shield, and both did break their spears. Some few insults were exchanged, and enraged, Sir Lancelot did make a third pass, and smote the Sheriff upon the shield, and both did break their spears. Sir Lancelot did then make a snide comment about the Sheriff's maternal parentage, marking richly of her round demeanor, and the shadow it cast over the moon, and a fourth pass was made, and both did break their spears. A fifth pass was then made, and Sir Richard smote both upon the shield, and all did break their spears. A consensus was reached, and the spear-maker was then smote upon the ground, and richly they did deride his maternal parentage's footwear."

The name "sheriff" being derived from the British word for "prostitute frogs,"(Or "prostitute frogs," as the British say) the occupation of sheriff started off in a game of pin-the-tail-on-the-tree. Following the invention of donkeys by Oscar Wilde(Although there is some contestation about whether or not he worked together with Alexander Hamilton, who is perhaps best known for The War of 1813), the election process was refined; the game was changed to pin-the-tail-on-the-Hobbit. The donkey won by a landslide, and the duties for sheriffs were finally established as being undecided, but generally having to do with assigning traffic violation certificates. This became much more useful after the invention of traffic by Benjamin Franklin, who is quoted as having said, "It's alive. It's ALIIIIVE!"


Development of the Sheriff Through the Ages[edit]

After the donkey died in a tragic boating accident, there was much sorrow in the land, and a drinking contest was held, and a visiting Norman usurper to his Norman brother's throne in Saxon England was richly beaten, and a comment was made of how his hood was being robbed, and much ado and confusion then followed. Following this a large pot-bellied man was assigned to be sheriff, who made his way to France, breaking many spears, and assigning many parking tickets.

The Modern Sheriff[edit]

It is often said that some modern sheriffs exist, but this isn't true. They went extinct following the death of somebody or other, as it suddenly became unnecessary to protect prostitute frogs from traffic violations, and then somebody (We're not blaming anybody, or naming names, or anything like that, but we think it might have been Oscar Wilde) quit feeding them donuts.

The Diet of the Sheriff[edit]

There is some argument over what, in fact, sheriffs do eat. A popular misconception is that they subside on donuts, but this is a Modern Sheriff, which has in fact gone extinct. Withered Sheriff, Handlebar-Mustache Sheriff, and Sunglasses Sheriff are all surviving relatives of the Modern Sheriff, and are reported to subsist mainly on olykoeks.

Who shot the Sheriff?[edit]

The person who shot the sheriff is believed to be one Hank J. Wimbledon, and although he also shot the deputy he was kind and courteous to all others he met before the murder. On bright, dusty, dry nights (don't ask how this is possible) some claim you can still hear the sheriff swearing revenge on Hank. Usually, this happens after one has consumed enough moonshine for the aforementioned conditions to be feasible. Hank's motives are unknown, but most theorists claim that it is because the sheriff had both Hank's pie and a really stupid hat, which would be interesting seeing as sheriff hats were all the rage during that time era.

See also[edit]