Shirt

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The shirt is a garment often worn on the upper torso of a human being, but not always. Many women in modern times prefer the lower hem of their shirt to reach just below their breasts, roughly coinciding with the neckline. Often people can get confused with the difference between human beings and shirts, however this is beyond the scope of this article.

Cotton Shirts[edit]

Cotton shirts are made out of cotton, with the main supply of cotton shirts coming from old grannies. The leading shirt maker Nike employs over 500,000 old grannies each creating an average of 200 shirts per hour. Currently, the most popular colour for men's cotton shirts is pink. Or maybe no shop can sell them, and that's why they're always there. As for women, they just don't wear cotton shirts, they're not shiny enough.

Silk Shirts[edit]

Silk shirts are made out of silk. Silk is very rare and can only be found from a silk-spinning spider. Most silk shirts come from the anal orifice of well-trained spiders. These spiders, enticed by flies, create human sized shirts. Often spiders create silk clothing in the wild which is the usual reason for seeing a spider with a scarf on. You would have thought it would have been more practical to spin a woolen scarf, but you would have also been completely wrong.

Flannel Shirts[edit]

These shirts are traditionally worn by Al Borland on "Home Improvement". They are also worn by bogans, who usually combine them with jeans and ugly cowboy boots. Why people wear flannel shirts is beyond the scope of this article. This particular variety of shirt has an unrivalled capacity for ugliness, most of them being plaid in an awful combination of red and blue. They also tear really easily.

Leather Shirts[edit]

Leather is derived from the ass of animals, usually cows. When a cow is shot it leaves behind a cow-hide. Using this cow hide the cow can then make a leather shirt with the help of human brain and a pair of human hands. However, leather shirts have seen a marked decline in popularity in recent years with reduced need for blacksmithing and the increased popularity for both Matrix-style leather jackets and leather pants. (lets see if you dodge this bullet!) Leather shirts are worn primarily by soap salesmen.

T Shirts[edit]

WWE Super-stud Randy Orton's RKO t-shirt range

T Shirts are just shirts that someone's sadistically cut the sleeves off of (but didn't quite finish what he/she/it started). Sometimes, the slogans on the sleeves just want to escape the slogan on the main body of the shirt, especially if the shirt comes from FCUK. For some reason, T-shirts come in one of two styles: ridiculously large or ridiculously small. Neither is really flattering.

Only losers wear T-shirts, especially if they are unemployed and/or unemployable like people with autism. As soon as they turn 20, they need to stop wearing T-shirts and start wearing collared shirts instead. If you are almost 30 and still wear T-shirts, then you need to find a job, you need to find nicer shirts, some khakis, and maybe a girlfriend. Don't be like the 40-year-old virgin. Go to Value Village and buy a bunch khakis and collared shirts for $20. You can always buy the clean underwear (preferably briefs) at Wal-Mart once you earn your first non-government pension paycheck that doesn't have your mother's name on top of yours. If Mom threatens to send you away, tell her it's for her own good.

Tight Shirts[edit]

These are shirts that either gay men, or straight women and sometimes lesbians use to show off their bodies. They are usually made of stretchy nylon and are great for exercising sexual prowess. Sometimes they are see-through. Thankfully this is the style for the gay men and less the style for women, keeping with the disillusioned ideal of modesty.

Cultivated Shirts[edit]

Many shirts are actually grown on farms in remote parts of our galaxy. Multiple species of shirt are known to be grown and cultivated on the planet Rigel, where scientists have grafted the genus of the shirt plant with that of long-johns in an effort to produce something of a one-piece long underwear type garment.