Shirts off parties
A shirts off party is defined as any group of intoxicated individuals together with their fuckin' shirts off. Shirts off parties are the high point of any classic bash. If a party is thrown and a shirts off party does not ensue, you can be sure that the party goers will go home unsatisfied. A solid shirts off party can satiate even the heaviest partier's needs for unbridled excitement and unabridged senselessness.
Shirts Off Party Origin
How it all began...
Shirts off parties began sometime in the BC era when two men decided it would be a good idea to take their shirts off while they shotgunned cans of Bud Light. Then, after much deliberation, they decided to invite some ladies. Shirts off parties are the only true way to celebrate any occasion. In Rome, shirts off parties were assembled at many a funeral. People would take their shirts off and begin housing beers at an alarming rate in hopes of forgetting who had just recently passed. In the early colonization of the United Arab Emirates they had shirts off parties almost all the time. However, this was pretty much because they couldn't afford clothes! In Ireland, a shirts off party is thrown every time someone throws up from drinking and since everyone in Ireland drinks til they spew, its a constant shirts off party! In Japan, shirts off parties usually occur around the sixth or seventh saki bomb, however, they're referred to as "kanjis off parties" which sounds gross. Shirts off parties are extremely popular in, but not limited to the following areas: Ridge, Middle Island, Shoreham, Death Valley, Orange County, Reno, Shirley San Jose, Istanbul, etc.
Shirts Off Party Requirements / Suggestions
If one plans on throwing a shirts off party there are a few things to keep in mind: 1. A shirts off party must include at least three men. Women are optional, though highly welcomed. 2. For a successful shirts off party, a majority, if not all, of the people in attendance must have their shirts off (this includes undergarments). 3. Beer must be present, most notably, Bud Light or Natural Ice; any other form of cheap-ass beer is fine as well. 4. Excellent music must be blasting as loud as humanly possible, classic shirts of party tunes include but are not limited to: Footloose, Stroke Me, I'm Too Sexy, Jitterbug, Kill 'Em All, A Whole New World and You Give Love a Bad Name. 5. Shirts off parties DO NOT END, if a person who has willingly joined a shirts off party puts his/her shirt back on, any other person still shirtless has the right to attack, in any form necessary, the shirted person in attempts of removing his/her shirt.
There is also a simple list of things one may want to have handy in hopes of having a successful shirts of party, they are: a funnel, a keg, a camera, a video camera, peanut butter, a cow costume, a man-thong, tongs, a can of spaghetti sauce, two empty garbage bags, a full bucket of boiled water, a jack russel terrier, fourteen pounds of coagulated grape jelly, a syringe and two bottles of Jack Daniel's. Again, these are not necessary but rather suggestions for a better shirts off party.
“Usually after a bottle of Jack and 18 Bud Lights, I'm ready for a good shirts off party!”
Shirts Off Party locations
There are a multitude of fine places to host a shirts off party, in fact a shirts off party can be assembled almost anywhere. However, there is a spot one may find particularly top notch for hosting the much celebrated shirts off party. That number one spot would be a Boneyard. A boneyard, for those who are unaware, can be found at any gathering where a shitload of alcohol is being consumed. To create a boneyard all one must do is simply discard of each and every can or bottle of beer or liquor in one area, usually on the floor of a room or anywhere on the ground outside (keeping the cans/bottles together for an amplified effect). After a fuckload of cans, bottles, boxes, wrappers, and any other discarded party material is collected then a boneyard is born. And here, in this most glorious location, a shirts off party will thrive and live on for days and days, or at least until the last person passes out. Now go, create a boneyard, have a shirts off party and fuck going to work tomorrow!
Shirts Off Party in the Media
Shirts off parties are more popular than one would think. In fact, studies have shown that at least 6 out of every 13 people say that 12 out of every 8 people would agree that 9 out of every 32 people have admitted to seeing at least 3 out of every 8 people taking part in at least 4 out of every 17 shirts off parties.
Current NBA superstar and former governor of Washington, Kelvin Cato, wrote and performed a song before the 1977 World Series of Backgammon in which he referred to Harrison Ford as "a motherfuckin' party animal, who throws shirts off parties in the middle of winter and don't even give half a fuck!" Mr. Cato was asked to leave the stage but his performance came in at #32 on VH1's "All Time Weirdest Live A'capella Performances at the World Series of Backgammon."
Shirts off parties appear in many movies, below is a list of films in which they can be seen:
Diff'rent Strokes: The Movie (2009)
Holy Hannah! (2003)
Save the Last Dance (2001)
The Devils Advocate (1997)
I Am A Fuggitive From A Big Ten University, Or The Lovely Breasts of Little Lisa (1932)
Holding On: The Sylvester Stallone Story (Never made)
What's Eating Gilbert Grape (1993)
The Bible: In 3-D! (1 AD)
In Reginald Arenas Wilford McNooty's semi-autobiography, Dream Dolphin, which he co-wrote with Al Roker, he mentions a time in his life when "shirts off parties were becoming all the rage, in fact I can't remember a single day in 1844 in which I did not participate in at least one shirts off party". He goes on to say; "In fact, when I first arrived at the Yule Lodge in Sootberg, Idaho, I was greeted by a group of 20-30 shirtless people who were so intoxicated they begged me to drive them to the closest Taco Bell."
Also, in the Bible, in Revelations 33:14, it says that "shirts off parties are the fuckin' coolest.'