Shit

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Stop crap.png PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT WARNING!
This page is a piece of holy crap. The author(s) acknowledge this.

Also see Halo plot

Behold! the great and mighty golden shit!!

“Edit this article FUCKY FUCKY all you want - it will still be about shit no matter what.”

~ Captain Obvious on This Article

“Mejor afuera que adentro”

~ Shrek in Spanish on This Article

“Who wants to be treated like shit?”

~ You on This Article

“Im tired of this motherfucking shit on this motherfucking plane!!!”

~ Samuel L. Jackson on Shitty article

“Why don't you make like a Banana and SHIT!”

~ Tourettes Guy on Tourettism

Shit is a delicious American delicacy known to have an unusually strong aroma. Shit, from the Egyptian "shishiti," is highly prized for its unique texture and flavor, and, as such, is most commonly served with Potato Salad. For those who have never tried this type of cuisine before, shit can be a pleasant surprise. Listening to Zombies Without Hats -- or indeed doing anything hatless -- before dining on shit has been known to make it easier to swallow.

Be forewarned, however, that the taste of shit is exceptionally strong. One of the strongest and also most widely consumed flavors of shit is bullshit, with millions of people around the world every day taking it in without a thought. However, due to the strong taste of shit, many people are unable to stomach it and as a result spew shit out of their mouths, often without even thinking. This does not impede the consumption of the fine American delicacy, however, and many people become so accustomed to the taste of shit that it becomes a dietary staple, so much so that they are constantly noted as being full of shit. Only true connoisseurs are able to identify exactly what type of shit they are being fed, and make a point of pointing out any changes in their routine with the common aphorism, "same shit, different flavor".

the shit is bananas b-a-n-a-n-a-s
This is from where shit comes from

Freud contended that whether you scratched your asshole or not was irrelevant, rather, what fundamentally mattered was where you wiped the shit...n'shit.

A commonly regarded true fallacy regarding the meaning of "(Dirty Phrase that should only be used face to face)" comes from way back when people were carting fertilizer across the ocean. They would transport it by ship. However, there was a slight problem to this. If you leave it on deck, it will smell bad, and it attracts flies (when you're close to land). Yet, if you stored it below deck in barrels sitting on the ground, the salt water would contaminate the fertilizer, making it extremely flammable. There were even reports of ships burning up because of storing fertilizer improperly. Therefore, they decided to store the fertilizer below deck, but high in a cupboard. Thus, the capital letters "S.H.I.T." were written on all the barrels, indicating that they must be "Stored High In Transit." Snoop Dogg has been known to have shit and say "now that's some good shit".

Shit owners should take precautions against theft, as people have been known to "break into houses and steal shit". In addition, siblings are often known to come home from school and take a huge shit, which ultimately leads to the closing off of your computer area. Its smell was used in The Simpsons' 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th seasons (1995-1999). And, by the way, season 8 is the most smelly Simpsons season.

One example of shit is this article.



History[edit]

alaskan Chili Dog[edit]

An Alaskan Chili Dog is the sexual act of shitting on another males penis and then proceeding to lick it off. First created by Kylie Minogue. She later revealed that she was thinking of this recipe by being high on crystal meth before giving birth to a half dog half chicken called Gorge W. Tree. Although many may find this act revolting, in some cultures it is done for sustenance, the weaker males getting a blow job and the stronger ones getting to re-eat their own shit so get in my BELLY!!!!!!! Gorge W. Tree is also known as George W. Bush.

Shit on a plate[edit]

There is a cuisine with the name of "Shit on a Plate", but Ohioans call it "Skyline Chili" for some reason. How it is made is that you simply shit on a plate, that is why it is called "Shit on a plate", although sometimes, it is mixed with spaghetti. Shit on a plate is the national dish of Norway(The natives call it "Dritt Påfat"


Things to do with shit: -eat it -place it at nicholas andrews' doorstep -color yourself with it to look like a nigger -shit on shit

Some other shit: You. Everything in the fridge(toilet); Um, maybe the stuff that oozes its way outta your ass.

Gold plated Shit[edit]

Paris Hilton does golden turds, this is why she is so worried about her current incarceration and equally why the judge is so eager to get her back in jail. It's the usual shit, milking someone for what they can get out of them!


The Big Shitaroo[edit]

Ehhhhhh shit. I just got it detailed.
Some people, such as Robert Kilroy-Silk (seen here) are sexually-aroused by being covered in shit.

Ever wonder why people hate magicians? Well here's why:

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. +

Verbal uses of the word shit[edit]

  • I DON'T GIVE A FUCKING SHIT WHAT YOU WANT! NOW YOU GIVE ME WHAT I WANT Or YOU'LL TURN INTO A PIECE OF SHIT YOURSELF YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!!
  • "I just took the most satisfying shit of all time!"
  • "Ohh... I thought you said take a shit IN the shower not a shit AND a shower"
  • "Chairitwo is such a fucking humorless piece of shit."
  • "I took a shit on your mother's face"
  • Shit=King of the new world
  • Holy SHIT!
  • You piece of shit on a stick!
  • Just for shits and giggles.
  • URRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG (constipation for people without a comic sense)
  • "Wow, this article is a piece of shit."
  • Holy Shit on a shit sandwitch with shit on top
  • Why don't you make like a banana and SHIT!
  • Oh my god! You ate the SHIT!
  • SHIT YOU SHONIC.

HIGHLIGHT: SHITTY SHITTY BANG BANG SHIT ON UR FANG FANG, SHITTY SHITTY ASSHOLE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU, YES YOU THE PIECE OF SHIT WHO"S READING THIS SHIT!

Famous people known as "shit"[edit]

Types of Shit (In The Literal Sense)[edit]

If your shit looks like this, see your doctor immediately.
  • Environmentalist shit - Environmentalists don't shit. They explode, leaving shit all over the place.
  • Gay shit- the type of shit that cums out when 2 gay guys are doing it.(this causes extreme discomfort)(it is also a cross between king kong, ring of fire, and dry poop)
  • Shart- Half way between a fart and a shit. Can cause some problems in your undergarments.
  • Shat- Past tense of shit, "Hey man, you know that quarter I swallowed? Well I just shat it out!"
  • Ghost Poop- You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl.
  • Teflon Coated Poop- Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!
  • Rabbit Droppings- When you finally get the turd moving it comes out extremely fast in small pellets that make your anus feel like a machine gun. On rare occasions these small pellets will come out uber slow and you will spend a good half hour getting just three pellets pushed out.
  • Hershey Squirts- slang for diarrhea
  • Second Thought Poop- You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it...you've got some more.
  • Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop- This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis and Catherine the Great. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
  • Bali Belly Poop- You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.
  • Right Now Poop (a.k.a. The Prairie Dog)- You'd better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
  • Horny Poop- This kind of poop is accompanied by a big hard erection.Doesn't come down even if you think about shit,just makes it harder.
  • King Kong or Commode Choker Poop- This poop is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.
  • Sopping Coin Crack Poop- This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your Ass-a-drippen'.
  • Wish Poop- You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!
  • Holiday Poop (a.k.a Relaxed Poop)- The kind of poop where you can take hours, without worrying about anything and think about all beautiful things in the world and relax your butt muscles.
  • Book Worm Poop- The kind of poop which takes shit long and you end up finishing a novel.Its a relative of Holiday poop.
  • Cement Block or Oh God Poop- You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
  • Snake Poop- This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
  • Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop)- Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
  • Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers)- You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning.
  • Beer Drunk Poop- This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poop doesn't smell too bad, but this poop is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens at someone else's house.
  • The Frightened Turtle- The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.
  • The Bungee Poop- The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.
  • The Ring of Fire Poop- The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
  • Great Balls of Fire- When you have "The Ring of Fire Poop" and you wipe back to front.
  • Gone in 60 seconds Poop- The kind of poop that happens so fast you don't realize what happened and you wonder whether the poop in the toilet is yours.
  • The Fast & The Furious Poop- A very close relative of Gone in 60 seconds Poop but this time you realize what has happened because your butthole is burning and is overstretched. Warning- This could be very dangerous due to very high speed and nitro-boost.
  • The Crippler- The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
  • The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang- The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
  • The Incredible Hulk Poop- The king of poop that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
  • Jack the Ripper Poop- The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it pushes its way out.
  • The Party Pooper- The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
  • Dirty Bowl Poop- The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
  • Smearing Poop- A turd that's just barely able to fit through the drain and leaves marks at the bottom of the bowl as it slides slowly down.
  • Sausage Poop- long, slightly squishy, and liable to float. Generally regarded as a cross between a smearing poop, a dry dump and the party pooper.
  • The Windy City Poop- When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.
  • Oh fuck... Poop- You poop so much and wipe your butt so furiously you run out of toilet paper.
  • The Never Ending Poop- It's the poop that keeps running out of your butt like pee, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash, more poop runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.
  • Mr Whippy - Poo that resembles a McDonald's soft serve.
  • Mr Whippy with sprinkles - Poo that resemberls a McDonals soft serve with chunky bits or "sprinkles"...
  • After-Grog-Bog (AGB) - The poo you take after a night of drink. AGB's are generally offensively loud and disgustingly sloppy. Try not to drop an AGB with any of your friends nearby - especially if they have video recorders. AGB can vary in colour depending on what you drink. For example, if you drink a lot of black sambuca you're AGB will be fluro or olive green.
  • Fire-hydrant - It's like a fire hose shooting brown, sometimes chunky water.
  • Dry Dump - A poo that is really hard to squeeze out because it's really dry. Drink plenty of water to avoid putting yourself through the pain of taking a dry dump.
  • Cannonpoop - A combination of poop and fart. The poop lies on the end of the barrel (anus) blocking the way. Behind it is a giant fart wanting to come out. After a series of stomachache (the pressure keeps building) you will blast out the poop so hard it will most likely literally blow the shit out of your toilet.
  • The Mothershit - A turd so big that it can barely fit in the toilet.
  • Super Shit Fountain of Ticklishness - Diarrhea that gives you an orgasm. usually happens once or more. may cause extreme messiness and may force laughter. not for use with Goths.
  • Havana Omelette - Brownish-Yellow diarrhea with some unprocessed food particles in it. Usually known to come out with a big splash. Once settled, this abomination floats on the top of the water resembling an omelette while it fries in the pan.
  • Rice Water - Watery diarrhea with bits of white shit in it.
  • High Quality Shit - Doesn't stink.
  • Horohoro Shit - This variation of diarrhea gives you chills so bad, you'd swear you were frozen.
  • Youtube Poop - When There's Smoke, They Pinch Back.
  • Bloody Mary - A relatively large and painful poop that rips your anus and causes your ass to bleed into the toilet bowl turning the water red.
  • The Whistlebomb - A fart preceding shit. The shit and the anus form a small opening for the fart to pass through and make the "whistling" sound, after the whistle, the poop pops out of your ass and splashes into the toilet bowl.
  • The Water Fairy - A piece of shit that drops perfectly into the water below causing the splash of water to shoot directly up your anus (which is rather ticklish).
  • The Basketball Shot Shit- This is when you are so desperate for a shit that you begin to shit as soon as you drop your trousers, this inturn means you have to aim for the "hoop", you just want to make sure you don't hit the backboard or the rim
  • The Mothershit - A rare shit, very large and bumpy in structure, veins come out with it and blood sprays out all sides. Small drops of shit clump off as it reaches the toilet and when it escapes your ass it unwraps and a black liquid gushes out of the shit all over the bathroom floor.

Techniques[edit]

  • Arial Attack- Attempting to crap while squating over the area of aim. Mostly used by girls and in european rest rooms.
  • Battle Shits- Popularized in Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, you get at least another person and crap in the same bowl trying to sink their shit, or any other floating vessel.
  • Power Dumping- When you are in a hurry or need to crap fast, you bite your lip and push hard, sometimes causing a Vein-Popping Poop.
  • Monkey Dump- Crapping into your hand then followed by hurling the dung at anyone or thing you fell like.
  • Cheese Nickel- Exactly what it sounds like. However, make sure you only use the 1989 nickel as well as a 1989 slice of American Singles to get things moving. Fast.
  • Sexy Shit- The term given to any act of sex involving your fecal matter.
  • Fucking Shit- Specifically, taking a shit into your partner's vagina, thus fucking with shit.
  • Crayon Crap- pushing a log half way through your cheeks then writing on the side of the stall.(Now you know how that gets there!)
  • Top Decking - Entails lifting the lid off the top of the toilet and take a crap in the plumbing compartment as opposed to the toilet bowl. This will cause the toilet to flush brown, smelly water until the poo is discovered. If the poo is liquid based as opposed to a floater the owner of the toilet has to put up with the brown flush and the smell until all the poo is cycled out.
  • Kanga - Taking a poo facing the other way.
  • A.C Slatering - Similar to the "Kanga" technique. Modelled after the character A.C Slater from the popular television show Saved by the Bell who often sat backwards on his chair.
  • Phantom Crap - Invovles taking a crap at a hidden location in a house (not the toilet) and seeing how long it takes for someone to notice the smell and/or find it. It's recommended you do it in someone elses house.
  • Danger Dump - Similar to the "Phantom Crap", the idea behind a Danger Dump is to take a crap where nobody will find it except you take crap in a situation where you'll probably get caught. Taking a crap during school assembly and hiding it under your seat is an example of a Danger Crap.
  • Shitpoopy - The girl thats hard to get...
  • Super shit - Your shit becomes Super powerful and PWNS all the n00bs!
  • Chinese crap - Learns kung fu and hides in the toilet until someone comes and the shit gives him/her 9999999999999999 slaps in the butt until he/gay/she feels dizzy then your shit enters his/her mouth, provoking amnesia then he/she/ dies

yoda shit-the little shits that look green and you wonder if it has a lightsaber

More About Shit[edit]

Practical Use Of Columbian Shit

Shit, although considered by many as only a way of excreting wastes, can also be a way to kill time and deal with your emotions; therefore, shit can be done in many different ways. My personal favorite is sitting on the toilet seat and exerting as much force I can and launching it from my anus to the toilet seat. The moment it hits the toilet water, tsunamis form in every direction. Sometimes, a crocodile might come out of your anus while you are shitting. But do not be alarmed, because this crocodile is only there to protect you from the deadly bugs in the toilet. Yes, a crocodile.


Some Examples Of Shit[edit]

V.C.C., or Vale Of Catmose College, is a prime example of shit. It is situated in Oakham, Rutland, which creates no surprise in V.C.C.'s shittiness. It is beyond all help and it is now nigh on impossible to bring more shit to V.C.C., however a lorry load of cow manure would be very welcome outside reception and the principle's office. according to modern science shit is said to the most effective way for carrying seeds from one place to others for example some people eat guava along with it seeds lets say if a man eat a guava in u.k and then shit in pakistan in some open place which is suitable for growing that seed so that special breed of guava will grow there so its proved that shit is the best way of carrying different plants breeds from one place to another..


Awwww.....SHIT!

Physics of Shit

(Exchange 'boss' with 'wife' or 'parents' as the case may be, the Laws of Physics still apply.

According to the Laws of Physics, shit always flows downhill. Hence, if the shit hits the fan in the bosses office it will inevitably find its way down, through the echlons of power and politics and end up on you. Also According to the Laws of Physics, shit sticks due to surface tension. Therefore, after the shit has hit the fan in the bosses office, dribbled down through the echlons and ended up on you you may find yourself unable to remove it, a condition known as 'being in the shit'. Prolonged exposure to people who cause shit (and no, shit doesn't just happen, arseholes cause it) may result in an excesive collection of shit in the vicinity of an individual, known as being in a world of shit. Some people may even find that only the depth varies but this is generally due to family related issues.

External Links[edit]


CHART OF FICTIONAL COLOURSColoursColors

Taupe Sepia Maroon Carmine Cerise Crimson Scarlet Burnt Sienna Amber Chartreuse Turquoise

Navy Blue Ultramarine Periwinkle Mauve Fuschia/Magenta Heliotrope Lavender Puce Ecru Khaki Beige

Ice cream fresh.gif This shit smells funny...

...and has been awarded a ice cream-scented air freshener.
Four Letter-Words
The A WordThe AH WordThe B WordThe BS WordThe C WordThe D WordThe E WordThe F WordThe other F wordThe G WordThe H WordThe I WordThe J WordThe K WordThe L WordThe M WordThe MF WordThe N WordThe Other N WordThe Other Other N WordThe Ñ WordThe O WordThe P WordThe Q WordThe R WordThe S WordThe T WordThe U WordThe V WordThe W WordThe X WordThe Y WordThe Z Word