Shiv
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[edit] America's Number 1 Prison Weapon of Choice
[edit] Prison Rape
The shiv is a weapon commonly used in American prisons by inmates to force others to enjoy having a large sausage ravage their bung holes. The shiv is a knife like weapon forged out of normal everyday items found in prisons such as toothbrushes and sharp metal spikes.
[edit] If You Ever Find Yourself In Prison
- DO NOT DROP THE SOAP
- Make a shiv as quickly as possible
- Use your Shiv to protect your anal virginity (Assuming you never lost it)
The easiest way to obtain materials to make your shiv is to sleep with the guards in exchange for materials. By forming a shiv you can avoid future sexual advances by shiv armed inmates by stabbing them repeatedly in the stomach or chest.
[edit] Legality
Acording to the U.S. Government Prison shivs are legal as long as you are using one to protect yourself[1] so just claim your were being attacked and everything will be fine. If that fails stab anyone you see. The famous case Meiwes V. California set the benchmark for all future shiv related litigation. In that case an inmate named Armin Meiwes was charged with shiv murder in the first degree for using the shiv he had formed from a pencil to stab a fellow inmate then consume his gentiles. Meiwes' Lawyer claimed that Meiwes' actions were in self defense and that he only attacked the man due to immediate danger to his asshole. To protect himself from the rape Meiwes' claimed he at the man's penis afterwards to insure he wouldn't rise from the dead then forcefully rape him. The Jury, which was made up entirely out of cock eating cannibals, acquitted Meiwes in a record 13 minutes.
[edit] Shivs in Schools
Recently there has been an outbreak in shiv related incidents in schools around the country. Most believe this is due to the popularity of games such as Grand Theft Auto which teaches kids to stab classmates and Doom because it has blood. Parent groups have formed an anti shiv coalition called "Penis" which stands for People Encouraging No Indiscriminant Shivings. The group aims to keep shivs in the hand of prisoners and not children. Every shiv that is confiscated is given to a prisoner who can put it to better use in defense of his asshole from intruders. The group has helped put more than 39,423 shivs in the hands of prisoners who are truly in need. Since all of prison inmates are African American the group has also worked in developing special African themed shivs which have tribal artwork and poison tips. Like most parent groups it is made up of old cranky bitches and soccer moms with sand in their vaginas who constantly bitch and moan and accomplish nothing. The head of the group, Rosie O'Donnell, was quoted saying, "Since we can't blame kids for fucking up we must blame everything else, in this case the shiv".
[edit] Shivs in Cooking
[edit] Popularity
Recently many popular chefs including Rachael Ray and Emeril Lagasse he exchanged their cooking knife for the shiv. "It's fantastic", says Iron Chef Bobby Flay, "I can cook and stab my competition with the same great tool". Bobby Flay was latter sentence to serve a life time prison sentence for the murder of Rachael Ray. The only downside to using a shiv for cooking purposes is that a shiv is never cleaned and its origins are not so sanitary. Several people have died from extreme food poisoning as a result to the expanded use of shivs by professional cooks. The chefs themselves don't seem too worried though, "Fuck Em'" said Lagasse.
Emeril first began to use the shiv After a 5 year prison stint. Emeril managed to save his anal virginity with the help of his shiv, which he named Little Emeril. When Emeril returned to his job as a Pro-Chef he always kept Little Emeril close by his side. One day while cooking Emeril was jumped by rival chef Rachael Ray who attempted to rape him, Emeril was able to fend off the attack with the help of Little Emeril. After the attack he discovered that the bitch had stolen his kitchen knife which he needed to finish off his 3 Bean Salad. Emeril then realized his shiv would make an excellent cutting utensil and from that day on Little Emeril was always in his hand.
[edit] Many Uses
The shiv can not only be used for cutting and slicing of food, and people, but also to stir, toss, and filet. The many uses of the shiv makes it the ideal cooking companion. One of the most famous Shiv Chefs/Murderers/Cannibals, Armin Meiwes, demonstrates the many uses of the shiv as a weapon and a cooking instrument. "I can shiv my victim then without getting up to get another tool I can cut him up into delicious bite size treats. It’s extremely convenient." Many other cannibals agree.
[edit] Shivs as a Christmas Ornament
[edit] New Trends
Recent news has shown that some families, in their obsession with this deity of on object, are hanging their homemade and purchased shivs from the Christmas tree. Some have even taken the shiv to an extreme and included it in their Christmas outfits, as seen below.
Studies show that children are more attracted to violence and this new form of weaponry will enhance Christmas on all accounts.
[edit] Shiv Related Injuries
With shivs gaining in holiday popularity so has the increase in shiv related injuries. Kids picking up their Christmas boxes are greeted with shivs through their hands after they pierce the box. Experts are warning if you choose to give your child the wonderful gift of a shiv it should be wrapped in more than paper.
[edit] The Ghetto
Often times in certain places of the world, you will find yourself shivless and in need of some good ol' fashioned home defense. Here is a list of objects and how to make them into an amazing and nonetheless usable shiv.
-Toothbrush (Sharpen the end on a rough object, such as a stone or brick)
-Pencil, pen, writing utensils
-Window glass (gripping it with your hand alone can be dangerous. Doctors recommend wraping some duct tape around it and maybe attach a piece of cardboard if you feel extremely fuckin' gangsta.)
-Icicle (only during certain seasons and in certain places in the world, but it's sharp and untraceable)
-A glass bottle (bash that shit, preferably against the head of another attacker)
-A dildo (psychological warfare)
-A demon tooth
-A rusted nail
Most of the time objects are not hard to find, and can usually be found after sifting through the trash for a couple of minutes.
