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“Shoes... Shoes... Shoes... Oh my gosh! Shoes. Let's get some shoes! Let's get some shoes! Let's get some shoes!... Shoes... Shoes...”

~ Kelly on Shoes

“I created the ultimate shoe! Individual toes, socks built in... yet I can only sell them to fat women.”

~ Al Bundy on shoes
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Hell: 123456789 B.C. Demoniac scientists were working on a weapon to use against the Christians. This research led them to create the most dangerous and common parasite on the face of the Earth: the shoe.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Shoes.


Shoes have many breeds and types. It's almost impossible to identify them all. The common appearance of a shoe is a shoe-shaped body, about seven to four inches tall. The common "sneaker" breed of shoe (exclusively bred in China) always has two long stringy things on the front. While fools have dubbed these as "shoelaces," they are actually the sneaker's antennae. Some antennae-less shoes sneakers have been discovered. These were foolishly dubbed "slip-ons". Hilarious (pie pie pie). There are also sandals, flip-flops, boots, high-heels, clown shoes and many more.


Many people have never learned the truth about shoes. Maybe that's why I can hear you saying "Bullshit!" to your computer screen right now. But I'm telling you the truth. The early parasite was dubbed "moccasin" by its supporters and was "worn" commonly on the ears, especially in the summer to keep them from burning. In the last thousand years or so, most people were not even aware that the shoes were slowly devouring them. However another theory exists that claims the first shoes were invented when a man stepped on a pair of rabbits. Later he discovered that they kept his feet slightly warmer and thus he had invented shoes. (The Shoe Fashion and fetish started next week.)

Diet and Feeding Habits[edit]

The common shoe almost exclusively feeds on the feet of humans. About 98.1% of humans with feet will at some point be victimized by this terrible parasite. While smaller shoe "nymphs" feed on the feet of babies and toddlers, larger shoes feed on (naturally) larger feet. Since most people are unaware of their parasitic state, they go out and buy new shoes when the ones that have been feeding on them are "worn out", although this actually means the adult shoe has reached its mature age and will soon die.

The most victimized organism by this parasite is women. The shoes secrete some unknown pheromone that makes women want to buy more shoes until she has 50 pairs sitting in her closet. She has just unknowingly set up a Shoe Den. If a Shoe Den gets too big it will merge into one and become a dreaded dance shoe!!!


Almost all shoes are bred in large "shoe farms" in China. Most of the time, these shoe farmers are forced at gun point to breed these beasts; it has been theorized that China is using the parasite to slowly take over the world. All shoes will find a "partner shoe" to feed with, and these shoes always look alike. In order to breed, shoes must live off of the most repulsive feet ever. So wash your damn feet. Once they find repulsive smelling feet, the antennae (or the sole, if antennae are not available) will stem off to form a new shoe nymph. This shoe will live off of babies and small children until it is full grown and ready to consume adult feet.


While many believe socks were invented to keep shoes clean, they are actually a preventive measure to protect humans' feet from disintegration. Always wear socks when wearing shoes. Eventually however, the Boot will be able to overcome this obstacle, so beware.

There have also been multiple cases where shoes have started to evolve into primitive being, therefore growing dangerous claws known as Shoenails. They are capable of tearing through even the most invincible of objects with ease, meaning WATCH OUT! Most often found with an off-green colour and pieces of human under it.

Women and Shoes[edit]

It is a well known fact that women love shoes. This is due to their need to absorb the shoe's natural energy which will allow them to remain young in outward appearance. Once a shoe has been drained of its energy the imbalance will cause a women to have a strong urge to go buy more shoes. This principal explains why the disease rate is so high in countries where women cannot afford shoes.

30 ways to defeat shoes[edit]

Listed below are 30 possible ways to get rid of your shoes for good, therefore saving your feet.

  1. Burn them (then listen to them scream as their rubber soles melt into goopy liquidness)
  2. Put them on some random cow's feet (It is a well known fact that shoes cannot digest cow's feet, so they will remain in a dormant state)
  3. Stuff them with onions and barbecue them (just, don't eat them)
  4. Slit their heels (this kills the digestive system of the inner shoe, making them harmless)
  5. Make them depressed, and let them kill themselves(or you could just infect them with the emo virus)
  6. Cut their antenna off (making them blind, deaf and completely useless)
  7. Spray them with an anti-fungal spray (this suffocates them, and leaves them lifeless)
  8. Leave them on an electric chair, and turn it on (may be illegal in some states, but it is a way to kill the buggars)
  9. Release them into the wild, therefore letting them mingle in freedom, with their own kind forever...
  10. Let them read this article, and faint from shock
  11. Trap them in their own shoebox
  12. Give them to a homicidal chimp...
  13. Slowly smother them in oil, and then leave them to roast in the sun(don't ask why...)
  14. Allow small boys to rip the soles of the shoes apart
  15. Give them to Salvation Army
  16. Pull hard on their antennae, choking them
  17. Wrap them in a carrier bag and throw them into a canal
  18. Leave them in a friend's attic
  19. Tie them to train tracks and laugh an evil laugh as they are crushed
  21. Staple them to the nearest train tracks or freeway
  22. let them meet.... MISTER SHARPIE!!!!!!!
  23. Throw them at George
  24. In the case of boots, put sand on them
  25. Throw them into Mt.Doom
  26. Eat Them
  27. Hang,draw and quarter them
  28. Skate them
  29. Suicidie with them
  30. Rape a pusssy with your shoe

Whatever you do, and however you do it, remember to give an emotional and dramatic goodbye just before you destroy/get rid of them; otherwise, they may come find you...

See Also[edit]

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Things to hide your ugly body with that you think make you look pretty

Armor | Bikini | Black Tights | Bow tie | Bra | Clip-on tie | Clogs | Corset | Disguise | Dress | Flip-Flops | Glasses | Gloves | Goggles | Golf clothing | Halloween Costumes | Hats | Hood | Kilt | Knickers | Monica Lewinsky's Blue Dress | Pajamas | Panties | Pants | Polo shirt | Shoes | Skirt | Socks | Speedos | Thong | Towel | Underwear | Undies | Viking Metal | Zoot suit