Kevin Smith

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Kevin Smith (aka Silent Bob): Coolest dude in the world.

“Who the hell he think he is!? I'm TIM BURTON!!! I made BATMAN!!! What dose he ever did!? A sandwich!? I'm Tim Burton! ”

~ Tim Burton on subject off Kevin Smith

“'What dose he ever did'? At least I can speak, douchebag ”

~ Kevin Smith on subject of Tim Burton

Kevin Smith was born in Tantuine, New Jersey in 76 A.D. and is considered by the people of geek to be the greatest men ever to live|the best director in the history of ever-dom. His films include Clerks., Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Jersey Girl, Showgirls, Clerks 2, and Citizen Kane. And in 2008 cast Seth Rogan in the Apatowesc "Zack and Miri Make A Porno" or if you bought it at walmart, "Zack and Miri" He is God incarnated in a fat American comic book reading beardy geek's body.

On 10/17/2008, Kevin went on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and told a story that ended with him being so heavy that he completely destroyed a toilet at an after hours night club.

"Kevin has always been a fat guy, but with all his success and the fucking money people throw at him, he's just gone off the deep end. It's to the point where it's a health risk." -jeremy piven


Smith holds the record for the being world's oldest twelve year old.

Some say Smith was a paranoid renaissance-based sci-fi warrior who, upon witnessing his brother's death by piano (pianist unknown), swore to protect the city of Harbor-Till. His arch nemesis Terry Spencer was horrifically burned by him on the face with a warmed spoon.

Claims have also been made that he suffered 3 heart attacks in alphabetical order. Before these tragic deaths, he fought aliens with malaria.

In 1985, Kevin Smith was found in a cinema minding his own business. In this year it was a felony to not be thinking about others and he was crucified in the area where the remains of the police station lay (which he burned down in a state of fury while resisting arrest.)

Kevin Smith was also influential in creating the film series known as The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy including the films The Aids of the Clerks., The Rape-chasing of the Amy, and The Passion of the Christ. Interestingly, each of these films changed the world and made the Voldemort a little bit weaker.

After the popularity of Clerks., the infamous Clone Saga began. Thousands of clones of Kevin Smith were made to boost the popularity of comics. One Kevin Smith was sent to each comic book store after being trained at boot camp. The last clone made was made with insufficient funds and turned into the evil Mini-Kevin Smith or simply Mini-Kev. Mini-Kev lay dormant until 2006 when all the Kevin Smith clones formed a strike force led by the real Kevin Smith, then they got tired and went out for nachos.

He is currently working on a sequel to his cult-classic film, The Matrix.

Will Smith Controversy[edit]

There is great speculation that Kevin Smith fathered the infamous stockbroker Will Smith with the dutchess of England Prince William; however, the prince's ovaries and Kevin Smith's seed proved to be explosive when combined as liquids and ended up blowing each of them to Smithereens. Will Smith’s embryo was able to escape with minor injuries (Blackness from heat of explosion, contorted facial features, and cerebral damage allowing for the production one hit-solo record to be released the late 90s).

Kevin Smith resurrected himself a few days later at the Highlander pavilion after a short 34-week nap on some couch in heaven; God was later affirmed as being pissed at Kevin for having left fart stains on his celestial recliner.

Trivia[edit]

  • The Smith is a unit of measurement of the physical and emotional bonding between two males. (Females have a similar phenomenon, but the units do not match each other.) One Smith is the emotional and physical estrangement of two males who are, at time of measurement, "one pleasantry away from dick-in-mouth." Like calories and grams, this unit is so small that even close friendships are usually measured in kiloSmiths, or "kS". This unit was named in honor of his own description of his films' portrayals of male friendships at the Clerks. tenth-year live fan Q&A and his coining of the term "hetero life-mate".
  • Once went to school wearing nothing but a cape, a pair of boxer shorts and one roller skate
  • The film Clerks. was based on the film "It's a Wonderful Life"
  • Mallrats came about after Kevin Smith invented shopping malls back in 1923.
  • Originally Kevin Smith was going to play all the parts in the film Chasing Amy - which was going to be called Chasing Samey.
  • The film Dogma was originally going to be called Dogmai. Which is in fact "I am God" backwards. He was forced to change the title after receiving death threats from the Pope and a couple of pissed off old ladies.
  • In the film Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back the characters of Jay and Silent Bob were not played by Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith. Instead, Whoopi Goldberg and Sylvester Stallone played the main roles (although Oprah Winfrey did stunts for Whoopi in a handful of scenes).
  • Jersey Girl has nothing to do with Kevin Smith. The film is the creation of Timothy Dalton but he stole Kevin's name and put it into the credits. Dalton remains at large.
  • Clerks 2 will only be available in one language, Dagbani, which is Kevin Smith's language of choice
  • Kevin Smith is a 7ft tall albino who likes to play with knives.
  • Smith owns and operates Ray and for-rent Rob's Secret Flash in Dread Bank, Newer Jersey. This shop mainly sells lampshades, Fabric and robotic, screwdriving hamsters. Mary J Blige works for him there.
  • Smith wrote, directed and starred in the film Magnolia. He played the character Quiz Kid Donnie Smith.
  • Smith can do the time warp. But only when no one is around.
  • While making Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back he gave Eliza Dushku the nick name "Duck Shoot", he was also heard referring to her as "That one from Buffy", "Eliza Minnelli", "Roy" and "Duckface"
  • His dad is Michael Moore but won't admit this - who could blame him though.
  • He is the Joker's father-in-law.
  • He's usually heterosexual, except on Tuesdays and Groundhog Day, unless Groundhog Day falls on a Tuesday, then the two cases cancel out.
  • Smith's mother: Peter Jackson.
  • Kevin Smith's next film will feature his wife in a quintuple-penetration shot, which will move to a sextuple-penetration shot if people are STILL not recognizing what a fucking great actress she is.
  • Smith has acted in a few movies besides his own, they include playing the role of "Al Borland" in Home Improvement and also the role of "the fat guy" on the TV series Lost.
  • Kevin Smith exists for the same reason Britney Spears is considered a powerful celebrity: no one cares about New Jersey.
  • Robert Crain and David Hagensten are Kevin Smiths biggest fans
  • Kevin's twin went and protested at a screening of Dogma. He was interviewed on TV as well. Kevin's twin looks EXACTLY like Kevin, and has the same name as his friend he went to protest with.
  • He is also believed to be a an ex member of the Super Mime Strike Force. Why he would of joined those n00bs is unknown.
  • Kevin Smith fathered Agent Smith during a heroin-binge fling with Courtney Love on the bathroom floor of a Denny's restaurant in Hoboken, New Jersey in 1994. Agent Smith will one day take part in a great battle with Neo for the sake of mankind in it's battle against the machines...unless it turns out more like in Terminator in which case... we're pretty much fucked.
  • Kevin Smith sold his soul to the devil in exchange to make sweet ass movies bong! He also gets most of his ideas from David Carver.
  • Kevin Smith's brain is made up of 3% Dick and Poop jokes, 2% poingance, and 95% Star Wars.
Filmmakers of the World
Epic Visionaries

Michelangelo Antonioni | Ingmar Bergman | Peter Bogdanovich | Robert Bresson | Charlie Chaplin | Coen Brothers | Francis Ford Coppola | Cecil B. De Mille | Clint Eastwood | Federico Fellini | John Ford | D.W. Griffith | Alfred Hitchcock | Abbas Kiarostami | Sergio Leone | Martin Scorsese | Steven Spielberg | Andrei Tarkovsky | Orson Welles | James Cameron | Akira Kurosawa

Not-So-Epic Visionaries

Michael Bay | Uwe Boll | Tim Burton | Ken Burns | John Carpenter | Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer | Mel Gibson | Tom Green | Catherine Hardwicke | Spike Lee | George Lucas | Dolph Lundgren | McG | Michael Moore | Leonard Nimoy | Guy Ritchie | George Romero | Joel Schumacher | M. Night Shyamalan | Alan Smithee | Oliver Stone | Billy Bob Thornton | Tommy Wiseau | John Woo | Ed Wood | Rob Zombie

Highly Respected in France

Woody Allen | Darren Aronofsky | Mel Brooks | Sofia Coppola | Jean-Luc Godard | Jim Jarmusch | Charlie Kaufman | Jerry Lewis | David Lynch | Rob Schneider | Lars von Trier

Highly Confusing in Japan

Milos Forman | Terry Gilliam | Akira Kurosawa | Russ Meyer | Quentin Tarantino

Highly Disturbing in Mexico

Guillermo del Toro | Jared Hess

Highly Racist in Suid-Afrika

Neill Blomkamp

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