Simon's Rock College of Bard

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Simon's Rock College of Bard.
The school's official logo and sedative.
This Guy is the founder and chief director of Simon's Rock College.

About the "College"[edit]

Simon's Rock was founded by the infamous leader of the cult-game Simon Says in the year 515. It was on a treeless, flat plain in Massachusetts that Simon expressed his undying love for rock music in the town of Bard. Thus a small building that is now known as Simon's Asylum came to be. From there, it would flourish into the campus it is today developing the name Bard College at Simon's Rock within a few minutes.

Simon's Rock College of Bard is a government-run institution whose purpose is to seclude certain individuals who pose a possible threat to society (aka, those who think for themselves). The truly great part of the institution is that the patients actually apply, even compete, to be accepted. To be admitted into this program applicants must submit numerous essays, test scores, recommendations, as well as a blood sample to test for inconsistencies in what is referred to only as the master race. The ancient ritual of the blood-duel, a competition in which any

A picture of Aaron Burr.

prospective student (or prospie) could challenge any thesising senior to a duel for the right to attend the college, has been banned since 1237, however it still continues unofficially to this day. Simon's Rock is noted for its long and arduous application process, which consists of two parts. The first is a lengthy diatribe about how nobody really "gets" you at home, and expected to be laced with academic name-dropping, malapropisms, and general obfuscatoriness. The second consists of a questionnaire with 2 questions: Number 1: "Do you like Andrew W.K.?" and Number 2: "Do you like the Wu-Tang Clan?"

Three Word Jokes[edit]

Three Word Jokes have their historical founding at Simon's Rock College of Bard. The story of its founding goes as follows: After Student X and Student Y had a meaningless copulation it was affirmed by both of them that it must Remain Secret. The reason for this being that even though Student Y and Student X had no feelings for each other, there was a significant amount of 'history' between them, and the social repercussions of others finding out would be too hilarious to contain (A good analogy would be if it were revealed that Mr. Darcy and Jane were actually having an affair on the side). A week later, Student X was speaking to a friend, Student C, who was very down. Student X knew that Student C would be very overjoyed if she knew about the copulation, due to the sheer of hilarity of the act. Student X said the following on an Impulse: "Hey C, I have a hilarious Three Word Joke, wanna hear it? X Borked Y."

It is important to understand the use of the word 'borked.' Borked is the term used because it is not any kind of positive euphemism for sex. It is a term used because it is only one word and properly shows the social aspect of what actually happened. Again, it can only be a three word joke if it has social stigma attached to it. If the word 'bone' is considered more appropriate than the word 'borked,' it may be substituted.

Since then, the joy of Three Word Jokes has spread, things such as "Tommy Borked Mary," (TBM) or "Scotty Borked Ana" (SBA) are the most common, but the joke itself has become more complex. RBO in the A or RLB (Borked is changed to the end and becomes a present tense verb because it has become a continual 'thing.') are two evolved forms of the Three Word Jokes. Three Word Jokes are only significant if one can attach five jokes to the three words, and very significant if one can do up to ten. All attached jokes must either have to do with physical humor or social stigma. The following are examples of how to attach jokes to the three words:

It's funny because John had sex with Kitty (This is a generic attachment, and is appropriate in any context).

It's funny because Y had a thing with E, and E hates X.

It's funny because R found out and borked N in spite.

It's funny because E borked Y afterwards .

It's funny because E gave Y herpes and X has been looking very concerned recently.

Facts About Simon's Rock[edit]

  • Mascot: That Weird Kid Who Sits In The Back Of The Room With Dyed Hair and No Friends
  • Rock: There is actually a Rock of Simon's Rock. It lives way off in the middle of the forest next to a "sugar shack" which really holds a rusty axe and some dead bodies. You can get there if you're pretending to go to Pibly, but it can only be found after midnight with a full moon.
  • Motto: "Te occidere possunt sed te edere non possunt nefas est"
  • Average ACT score: 37 (no one quite knows how this is possible).
  • Average SAT score: 37 (no one quite knows how this is possible either).
  • Female: 8%
  • Male: 4%
  • Other: 88%
  • Minority: 2.3% (despite this, almost everyone appears to be white; this can be explained by the Rockers' severe aversion to sunlight).
  • Simon's Rockers who survive: 23%
  • Average BAC: 1.2
  • Pi Day is the most celebrated holiday on campus.
  • Simon's Rockers are giving: 63%
  • Ranked Gayest U.S. College by
  • Real Name: BigNameSchool at Little Place In The Middle Of Nowhere
  • Acceptance Rate: 101% (really).

About the Studentry[edit]

Nearly all patients at Simon's Rock enter after 10th or 11th grade, though in rare cases a patient may be institutionalized earlier. The average age of entering freshmen is 5 and a half. All patients have displayed signs of abnormality. Symptoms include: publishing books which made the New York Times Best Seller list and winning a Pulitzer Prize, playing every instrument that has ever existed (including the harpsicord), conducting revolutionary scientific work on cannibalistic tadpoles and kin altruism, completing Algorithmic Discrete Mathematics and Game Theory classes before entering as a freshmen, and curing cancer. This year's entering class includes asexuals, bisexuals, metrosexuals, trisexuals, and mostly.. sluts. Students are notorious for being poor at sports, but have bested M.I.T. and CalTech in every engineering game ever created. Many people believe that Simon's Rock patients are mentally unbalanced. While this is not necessarily true, it is strongly supported by the fact that the majority of the patients pursue a major in the humanities. Simon's Rock students are, as a whole, extremely liberal. Many are vegetarians, anarchists, soloists or yo-yoists. An overproportionate amount (compared to pretty much anywhere) are atheist. This causes a great deal of problems when issues of diversity are raised, as Rockers are very intolerent of hygiene, etiquette, and dining hall food, but oddly knowledgeable of break dancing techniques and wild horse taming. Simon's Rock's most famous school girl is Lateisha Smith. In this concept of spare time, which is limited at Simon's Rock, students can be found reciting stanzas from T.S. Eliot's "The Waste Land" in at least five different languages. Saturday night activities involve: getting stoned at the yurt and having orgies with llamas, dying your roommate's hair five different colors, self-piercing your genitals to your boyfriend/girlfriend's ear, and speeding while "doing homework" in the first-floor Hill House study lounge whilst wearing heelies (The Nursery).

About Great Barrington[edit]

Although Great Barrington, MA is home to Simon's Rock College, the majority of town's inhabitants are mortals. Great Barrington is located in the Berkshires, and is recognized for its outrageous real estate prices, as well as no scarity of liquor, with which many scientists have hypothesized a correlation with the real estate prices. As it is such a desolate place, it serves primarily as a haven for touristy drunkards who feel it necessary to spend over forty dollars on a single dinner entree. The locals tend not to associate with Simon's Rock because they think the students and faculty are a bunch of crazy weirdos (because of their lack of alcohol consumption). The entire town closes down on the stroke of sundown (which is approximately 2 in the afternoon after around October 31st, due to location relative to the equator and the prevalance of sun-intolerance amongst the student body, which is rich enough to control the revolution of the earth), except for the Cumberland Farms downtown. Known affectionately as "Cumby's", students traditionally purchase 69c slushies, bat blood, and cheap hookers. Cumberland farms charges $1.12 for a cup of ice, even if you just got a concussion. But only a hilarious 69 cents for an icy slush thing. They also have C.J. Foss' bicycle, those junksluts.

About Simon's Rock Professors[edit]

Cover page of the new student handbook.

All of the professors at Simon's Rock College are also Simon's Rock alums. The reason for this is that no one else is qualified enough to become a Simon's Rock professor. Albert Einstein was once turned down for this position. Other requirements for teaching at Simon's Rock include: having at least 10 PhDs, and having much experience in casuistry. Many professors have been teaching at Simon's Rock for a very long time, some have even taught before they were born. Now that is an accomplishment! Because of their distinctive achievements and intellectual flare, they maliciously smile as they hand out excessive amounts of homework. However, they are too wrapped up in their own lives to notice that none of the work actually gets done.

About Athletic Programs[edit]

Simon's Rock athletics are excellent, except for robotics, math team, and other sorts of nerdly pursuits. The swimming, soccer, and basketball teams have all won national championships in recent minutes. Most jock applicants are rejected because they are not sufficiently masculine. Applicants who emphasize their academic strengths are more likely to be indoctrinated, since professors ( Mark Vecchio ) enjoy smashing the egos of budding academics. The success of the Simon's Rock athletic program is primarily attributed to Massachusetts Orgies. The college's main athletic rival is the CIA, which never shows up for competition because its students are afraid of roundhouse kicks.

Safety At Simon's Rock College[edit]

Cantankerous Faculty Members are the biggest threat to Simon's Rock College, which is usually considered to be a very safe place. (Come on, what are they going to do? Bore you to death?) They may actually bore you to death. Due to the isolation and boredom of the campus, certain students take to extremely dangerous activities for their own amusement. Such stunts have included high-diving into kiddy pools and one student stapling a blowup sex doll to his stomach. However, in 2005 a fist fight broke out between two students. Apparently, they had been engaged in an intense argument over the fastest way to count the number of bits set in a 32 bit integer. For lesser offenses, disciplinary actions include the "time-out chair" and the "naughty corner". Moderate to heavy offenses warrant punishments ranging from "being sent to [one's] room" to "going to bed without dessert" (which is horrid, knowing that's the only thing to eat in the dining hall). In extreme cases, a patient may be required to lick a llama covered in capsaicin derived from chile peppers. No animals were harmed in this experiment. Except, of course, the students. Faculty see it necessary to express an iron hand through discipline.

A warm welcome from the Simon's Rock professors of MS Paint!