Simon Cowell
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“There's money to be made in fat people.”
~ Simon Cowell on before meeting Michelle McManus
“I am an ass lickin' man fuckin man. ”
~ Simon Cowell
“Who?”
~ Owls on Simon Cowell
Simon Cowell, often known by his nickname, Cow Semen, is a man who lives to entertain people with hate and fury, and relieves them with BOO!-yoga. Simon Cowell is best known for being a very wealthy man and is likely to have insulted absolutely everyone and everything in existence at some point in time.
WARNING-WARNING if you see Simon please please cross the street quickly because scientists have confirmed that Simon actually has a severe illness that is also highly contagious some of the symptoms are
- flat hair
- high trousers
- a extremely annoying voice
- thinking that you are superior to everyone else
if you have ANYof these symptom get checked out by your GP now.
Simon's life runs around American Idol, where he has thrown a pile of evil to various singer-wannabes who know nothing about singing. He is known to have created a brand new language made entirely out of insults: "Duckese". This is due to his obsession with ducks. Cowell tends to cast off his image as an evil dictator.
Flaming other people as well, Cowell had insulted Paula Abdul, Jeremy Clarkson, Bill Clinton, Tony "Care Bear" Blair and Barack Obama. He absolutely hates the world and has committed homicide over 9000 times (excluding the times he ran the Nazi party). For this, he has received a 1UP, even though Nintendo hates him as well.
It's claimed that the height of his trousers and the flatness of his haircut are both the source of his power. Legend has it, that if these two sources are removed, Simon transforms into a minute twat with an attitude problem. This neurological condition was inherited from one of Simon's greatest ancestors, Adolf Hitler.
Simon is also the King of the Beavers.
- Does this article have potential? Perhaps. Is it reaching it? Absolutely NOT. In fact, it's nothing short of awful. You need to work on your image. What font is that, Arial? More like... Lame. Fix it.
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[edit] Early childhood
Simon was born on the 7th of October 1959, after his mother Samantha Cowell endured 89 hours of labour. An interview with Samantha revealed that it was in fact Simon's large head which made it so difficult to push him into the world. Pictures of Samantha's torn vagina have touched the hearts of many people around the world and Oprah Winfrey referred to her ripped vagina as 'a terrible sight' and Tyra Banks said that her 'va-jay-jay' would 'no longer be fierce'.
Many have suggested that Samantha's intense dislike for Simon was caused as she held him responsible for the tearing or her vagina. Thus, the two have never seen eye to eye, a situation which resulted in a eye gouging on the 12th of September 1945.
Simon had a relatively normal childhood and grew up like most little boys. As a child he became very interested in polka-dots and his father (believed to be Robin Williams) encouraged this fascination by drawing dots on his face.
Interviews with Dakota Fanning have revealed that Simon Cowell behaved strangely in the playground at school. A student in his school revealed that Simon often dragged his fellow classmates kicking and screaming into the toilets where he would force them to perform sexual acts. Dakota Fanning has admitted that Cowell touched her inappropriately many times, causing her to become upset and worried. Her often white, pale and scary looking face is believed to have been brought about from his perpetual touching. Cowell has dismissed these incidents, and was quoted "Damn you bitchez, I did not touch that ho".
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[edit] Maturity
Many have puzzled over how Simon Cowell made it into Hollywood, and many have questioned how he arrived on American Idol. Scholars such as AJP Taylor and Ellen Degenerate have debated this but no definative answer has yet been reached. Many have called this the mystery of the 21st century.
However, executive producers claim that Simon Cowell managed to get himself a role on the show through his sexual prowess. The network's
Cowell has in fact been linked to the death of Anna Nicole Smith, citing
[edit] Rehabilitation
Soon, Simon was rehabilitated in way that was SO BORING, those Hollywood zombie hacks who try to run networks but fail miserably in ways that disgust me, just HAD to make a reality series of it. And so, Simon's terrible time in rehab led to a terrible time in television, when he made his comeback. Under his new name, Simon started in the music buzz. He quickly became known for being an arse, insulting people that don't sing well, and killing babies. After many years working God came to him with a idea. That idea was American Idol. Now Simon is hated by the world for his doings on the show (while secretly being loved by all).
As a homage to Simon Cowell, all pop music moguls are ritually Simonized. Simon's real name is actually Tallulah Baggins, cousin/wife of this man, bastard son of THIS bloke and the descendant of someone else. The S- Factor simply stands for the Shit Factor. It got old when Simon used it seven times in one night. He stopped using it after everyone made fun of him for it and then changed it to the X factor because none knows what it means. His fashion sense is wearing clothes. Some arrogant columnist once admitted that Simon Cowell has his hair trimmed like a hedge ... literally trimmed. Get that picture of a chainsaw out your head. I'm talking miniature scissors and a hairdresser getting some honest yet hurtful critique from the Cowell himself.
- No, no, no, no, NO! What the hell have you done?! You've COMPLETELY lost the plot! Where's the font idea gone? And what the fucking hell happened to the image?! You've just gone and ballsed everything up, haven't you! Good LORD! Do you actually TRY to fail, or is it just in your nature? You are the most pathetic, laughable, embarrassing, pitiful, ugly, talentless excuse for a human being that I have ever had the misfortune of coming across! Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, just go and kill yourself now! You're a waste of space! You're an insignificant worm! You've never contributed anything remotely good to society and you never will! Your mere existence has caused untold misery to everyone around you, yet in spite of all you've done to them they still take enough pity on you to keep you under the illusion that they don't want to see you die a slow, painful death! You, sir, are a laughing stock, a lost cause, and a complete and utter failure; three thumbs down, zero out of ten, get off my stage, NEXT PLEASE!
[edit] Controversy
On April 30th 2009, Cowell admitted according to the Daily Mail, to having a 1.25 inch (every decimal counts!) penis, Piers Morgan has since proved this, releasing a sex tape which has recently been leaked on to the internet.
A day later, Cowell was arrested for attempted masturbation in public, he was released on bail.
[edit] Trousers
Cowell wears 'ascending waistband bootcut jeans'; £89.99 from River Island, 13 inches above his belly button.
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