Simone Bittencourt de Oliveira
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|Date of birth:||Christmas, 1949|
|Place of birth:||Bahía, Brazil|
|Known for||She is about 2 meters tall and has a deep voice.|
|Occupation||Singer, MILF, bisexual|
|Spouse||She has had a lifelong crush on Roberto Carlos but has never gotten around to marrying him.|
For an actual lesbian who doesn't wear dresses, see Ana Gabriel.
“She fucked me!”
“You were the one who fucked me!”
“Don't worry, sweetie. It doesn't matter, you're still beautiful!”
“She almost comes up to my knee!”
She was born on Christmas in 1949, in Bahía, where there are many blacks and the Portuguese language sounds funnier than it already does. This fact is associated with her participation in the group "Gotas de Orloff", commanded by the guru Mário Fofoca.
Many people have already tried to explain that this is Christmas, but she doesn't cut any slack and every year she organizes a holy supper and brings out the wine!!! At the end of the supper she ends up really tall (more than 1.90m) and says: "Amem, Amem, Amem, Amem!" And her friends help: "Não é Amem! --é Amém!" Then she becomes inconvenient and talks all sorts of crap about her runners-up to the title of "Queen of MPB": Gal Costa and Maria Bethânia. But always with much respect, given the advanced age of her colleagues.
“I was born together with Jesus.”
She excelled in physical education in Santos, where she learned how to walk really fast and to run really slow. It was a time of many dreams, and she often told her friends that she swore that she saw Pelé in the university. She drove a Volkswagen bug, which she named Filomena, and as well as Pelé, she also dreamed of a white Mercedes.
"A Cigarra" was married to the cigar for two years, and after she became famous she had an affair with the bong and many, many cigarettes. After her divorce from the cigar, Simone began to go after Roberto Carlos, and she has not stopped dreaming of him since. At that time she was a champion at synchronized boxing; she opened her arms upward, downward, up high, to the sides! She started in 1973—but to this day nobody knows why...
The Cicada had a talent for basketball because she has always been really tall, ever since the molt transformed her exoskeleton and she only stopped growing when she started to sing. When it rains, the Cicada becomes even more hysterical and screams a lot to tell the world that it will rain: Over my head the clouds are running on in the blue sky...
The mating season for cicadas generally happens during the warmer months of the year, which varies according to the geographic region (in Brazil, during the springtime, between September and November, various 17-year species of cicadas have their mating season, which originates a very interesting phenomenon of sound). This period is very productive for Simone, especially around Christmas, when she resolves herself to announce the advent of Jesus Christ.
Zélia Cristina Gonçalves Moreira (born 28 October 1964 or 1966, depending on who you believe), better known as Zélia Duncan, is also a singer and Simone's bestest friend ever, except they have only known each other since 2007, and before that, Zélia was just Simone's biggest fangirl. Curiously, they act as though they've been friends since, like, forever. Zélia apparently even had time to come up with a nickname for Simone: Si. I'm serious. Si. Can you believe it?
To be honest, if the nickname had been Sim, that would have been hilarious.
She is a follower of the sect known as Great White Homosexuality, to which also belong Sidnei Magal, Roberto Leal, Clara Nunes, Roberto Carlos Braga and Zeca Pagodinho, and as such, she is given to wearing white clothing. The Cicada has been confused for a "mother of a saint", an apparition, a bride (she wishes), an angel, a Santería adherent, and even a saint.
While she is still within this dimension (Simone always talks in/about the current dimension, despite having already visited many others in spirit), one of the principal offerings of the "Mãe Cigarra de Cantois" (not to be confused with the "Mãe Menininha do Gantois") are the white roses she gives to her fans (or worshipers): all of them are stolen from a hotel in Salvador. Many fans have already organized pilgrimages to this sacred location.
Others, the cariocas, who are more malandros, go all the way to the mountain Corcovado because they know that Simone, apart from singing and playing basketball, is also a double for the Cristo Redentor (when the Cristo gets tired of standing there with his arms open, she goes there and assumes his position!!). Upon this occurrence it is very common to hear her shout: JEEEEEEEEEESUS CHRIST TAKE CARE OF ME!!!
The Cicada does not take chickenshit from anyone. She has a very active lawyer and not one summer goes by without her suing whoever stands in her way. She has already processed Bin Laden, Lula, Padre Marcelo Rossi (every year he puts her on playback), Bispo Edir Macedo (that bastard used her version of Ave Maria!), the radio station MPB FM (2000 lawsuits) all of the neighbor's dogs, the neighbor, the neighbor's mom, the minister Gil, your dad, your mom, your aunt, maybe one day even you—and who knows, perhaps even me for saying all this about her....
- Simone joy.jpg
Simone, indescribably happy because she managed to remain with her arms open for more than 40 minutes!
- Simone kissing Milton.jpg
Still think she's gay?
- Simone pretty.jpg
Don't like the black women? I feel sorry for you.
- Roberto Carlos and Simone.jpg
A typical date with Roberto Carlos
- Simone and Roberto Carlos2.jpg
Look how she stares stupidly at him. She cannot resist the charms of that man...
- Simone bride.jpg
Simone, around 1991, crying because Roberto Carlos ditched her at the altar.
- Simone and Caetano Veloso.jpg
Simone smothering Caetano Veloso's sexy mulato mouth with hot mulata kisses. Lucky cicada.
- Isis de Oliveira and Simone.jpg
Simone's only girlfriend ever, Ísis de Oliveira (left). They broke up after seven years.
- Simone and Zelia.jpg
Simone and Zélia Duncan: best friends forever!
With her other boyfriend, Milton Nascimento
Or at least, she once imagined him to be her boyfriend. Unfortunately he really is gay. Which is a shame, because he used to be really cute, but now he looks like Whoopi Goldberg.
- pronounced Simoni, not Simown
- Oliveira means olive tree in Portuguese
- Funny, it turns out that none of these people are gay. So shouldn't it be called Great White Heterosexuality?