Sir Nils Olav

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Sir Nils Olav is approximately four feet tall.

Sir Nils Olav is the Colonel-in-Chief of the Norwegian King's Guard. He is regarded as the most highly skilled combatant in western Europe and is kept in a cage.

Military Service[edit]

He received his knighthood in recognition of his extraordinary bravery, courage and success in the field of combat. After his convoy was ambushed whilst on patrol in Afghanistan, Sir Nils single-handedly eliminated an entire al Qaeda regiment then waddled to safety, alone, over fifty miles of harsh desert. Whether he knew he was serving democracy and freedom by effectively wiping out the military capability of the most notorious and extreme terrorist organization of modern times, or whether he was trying to find fish, is unknown. Regardless of motivation, his actions were heroic and worthy of recognition. He is now semi-retired, living in seclusion in Edinburgh Zoo, although he is still performing token duties as regimental mascot of The King's Guard.

Facts about Sir Nils Olav[edit]

  • Sir Nils is proficient in 16 forms of flipper-to-hand combat and is a deadly accurate marksman. He knows seven ways to kill a man with a fish.
  • Sir Nils Olav is the only Penguin capable of growing manly stubble.
  • There is a 4-foot high bronze statue of Sir Nils Olav erected in his honour at Edinburgh zoo.
  • While serving in Afghanistan, he had to commission special desert boots to prevent his feet from burning on the hot sand, thus making him the only penguin ever to have bespoke footwear.
  • He was once eaten by a polar bear. While inside his enemy, he managed to find key information about Bin Laden's whereabouts. 3 months later he escaped using only a rusty knife. The information he recovered ultimately helped in the fight against Al Qaeda."

Sir Nils Olav quotes[edit]

Sir Nils Olav can honk in six different languages, including Estonian and Aztec. Ornithologists have translated his honks, and they have determined that everything he says is unbelievably cool and shits on the dialogue of any Die Hard or Rambo.

Examples include:

(after knocking out an enemy with his flippers) "See you on the flip-side!"

"It ain't feeding time, but something smells fishy"

"Who are you calling 'Pingu'?"

"I want fish, please."

"I came here to kickass and eat fish, and I'm all out of fish"