Sir Thomas Coffee

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Thomas Coffee(April 14th, 1967-August 1st, 1988), the Famous Finnish inventor of coffee, glue, and leiderhosen. He grew up in the town of Weinershnitzle, famous for its nazi infested gay community.

The Early Years[edit]

As a child, Thomas loved to dress up in his mother's clothes. His father did not support this type of lifestyle Thomas was getting into, so he sent him off to a Private Boy's School in Japan, where he was raped each and every day by the guys on the sumo team. It was here that Thomas met the love of his life, Maxwell House. Maxwell also loved to dress up in women's clothing. They quickly fell in love and were both kicked out for being lesbians. They found a box in a dark alley and lived there for a while, paying the nearby hobo in blowjobs.

Love, life and music[edit]

Thomas during his music craze.

After a brief period of cross dressing for money, Thomas and Maxwell formed their own band, dubbed Starbucks. Their band never really kicked off however, with their best song, "Take it up(the ass)", only reaching #30 on the top 20. In order to pay the rent, they had to sell their bodies once again.

The birth of Coffee[edit]

Thomas, after performing in one of his "gigs" at a local zoo, was paid in some old monkey feces. He ground up the old feces and mixed it with hotwater, adding his semen for a creamy texture. He named the concoction after himself. Thomas gave the recipe to Maxwell, who then made millions off of the tasty concoction. The coffee business skyrocketed withen a few months. The Queen of England loved the drink so much that she knighted Thomas in 1980.

Thomas' last years[edit]

Thomas and Maxwell were diagnosed with AIDS in 1981. They spent each and everyday promoting Maxwell House, the company. In 1988, Sir Thomas Coffee died from the disease. Maxwell continued on, then, in 1995, when he could no longer work, sold the rights to the guitarist of Starbucks, which he named Starbucks after the old band. Maxwell House died a few weeks later. Although the contents of coffee have changed over the years, there still exists a faint hint of old monkey feces in every cup.