“The Sith is a made up cult from the Star Wars series that are depicted to be the opposite of Jedi and evil.”
“They only deal in absolutes.”
“Nothing could make you shit like the sith”
“Just call me Darth Midian.”
Sith generally struggle to maintain peace and order in the galaxy, but are constantly stopped by the Rebelious monk-dressed Jedis, generating chaos in the Universe.
Sith-Shit, the worlds greatest anagram
George Lucas thought up the name 'Sith' with the help of Darth Vader and Marty McFly. The whole prossess of making up the name 'sith' took so long that the movies were shot without a name for the evil cult thingy so George Lucas had to sneak in after all the films had been shot and put in the word Sith when no one was looking.
The History, or Sith Happens
The word Sith is derived from the ancient English word siththan (scythe) making Sith the blade that lays low the weak of ancient England. The name was given due to their brutal treatment of any they deem their enemies or their inferiors.
The Sith broke from the Jedi near the fall of the Carthaginian empire to the Romans. Many disillusioned Jedi took what they had learned in the brutality of war and applied it to their entire lives, falling to the "dork sod" of the Force and becoming the enemy of those that remained true to the Jedi ways. They have since aligned themselves with followers known as Catholics under the rule of Pope Benedict, which means that the Pope is actually Emperor Palpatine.
Most modern Sith remain true to this concept, killing and maiming those they dislike and bitterly hating the Jedi and Romans. Most Sith are now in the service of the British Empire, where they have adopted the title of Druids. The Sith also have an Islamic Jihad battalion in their Sith Army, under the command of Darth Osama, forming the SIS, Special Islamic Siths.
Today's Sith about town
Modern Sith can be characterised by two things at the core of their beliefs. Some modern Sith have even moved away from their traditional role of mass murderer into simply being evil overlords and Masters of the ancent art of sorrcery But they all serve the grand master of the Sith, Darth Bush who teaches them the black art of manipulating the force. And the true nature of the force.
Many sith can be found in different bars in the annals of Washington D.C.
Joining the Sith
In order to join the Sith, one must first pass Sith Selection, much like SAS Selection, only with a lot more rage, and a hint of coolness and arrogance while passing the course, it is divided into 3 stages.
The first stage is known as Endurance. While SAS wannabes usually carry a 50-pound rucksack over 46 miles, those who want to join the Sith must carry the same amount of weight in the form of Jawas, over the same distance. Candidates start from Mos Eisly during the first sunrise of the day and must reach Jabba the Hutt's palace before the 2nd sunset.
The second stage is Provisional Weapons Training. Candidates are required to have some skill and knowledge in a wide range of weapons, including Sith lightsabers and Jedi lightsabers (Even the difference in color means that they have to be used differently). Candidates are trained with infantry weapons from a wide range of worlds and galaxies, from their very own, to the outer realms, that galaxy where Halo takes place, the world of Pokemon and San Andreas.
The 3rd and final stage of the course is known as Evasion and Interrogation. Candidates are stripped naked, then have brutal anal sex with their commanding Sith officers, in an attempt to demoralize them before the course even starts (Unless they're gay, in which case a female Sith officer is used). After the Sith officers have had their fun, Candidates are sent to Naboo and must try to avoid their captors for as long as they can. Those who are captured will be interrogated while those who manage to hide will eventually have to give themselves up for interrogation as well. Interrogation lasts roughly as long as the average time taken for a Gungan to masturbate. Interrogators will try to calm Candidates down while they must mantain their anger. Candidates are only allowed to answer their name, date of birth, regimental number and rank. Other questions must be answered with "Fear is my ally". Other answers or even murmurs of "yes" or "no" will result in automatic failure.
After passing Sith Selection, Candidates are then officially recognized as Siths. They are then given the title of "Darth", which kinda makes their name sound cool, which is something the Jedi certainly don't have. So in terms of names, Siths 1, Jedi 0.
Whilst this is unadvised, one may become a sith by simply changing their name to something sinister like John or George. Also one may suffer some sort of mutilation and become something like a emo always shouting about pain and suffering. Anal sex with a wookie however does not work and is unadvised. However sith are generally taller and can conjure lightning with their hands. But side effects may include dementia, psychosis, vampirism, sithism, judism, bad dreams and some serious boo boos.
A minimum membership fee of $25 is expected, mostly for covering medical assistance for Sith Lords being dismembered in combat, and new paying members will be given a membership card and a kitchen calendar containing the regular activities, celebrations and meetings of the Sith Order. A large poster of Princess Leia in that whore outfit that she wore in "Return of the Jew" is also given.
And apparently the ability to spell correctly. But if you join the Sith you have to able to kill Chuck Norris!!! (We'll give you a hint how to beat him: There IS no way to beat him!)
A powerful Sith gains power over others through the "Force". When a Sith is truly powerful, he can kill people from great distances, even spanning half the galaxy, just through force of will. They can also tell if a chick was raped just by looking at her eyes. If there are many (and we mean a whole freakin' sithload) they can kill Chuck Norris, believe it or not. Unfortunately, when they strike him down, he will become Jackie Chan, and even the Sith are afraid of Jackie Chan.
Historically Sith are known for being angry, brooding overlords of villainy and cruel oppressors of the meek (see Christians); however during times of conflict they are known for their outrageous acrobatic fighting - which borders on breakdancing - lightning coming out of their fingers and being completely indestructible when facing any non-Jedi or non-Sith opponents, unless their character is only two dimensional and lacking any real back story.
This is a gross generalisation, of course, and some modern Sith do not support the actions of villainous Sith like Emperor Palpatine or Darth Vader, calling them barbarous and evil. Indeed, Reformed Sithism (as opposed to the more widely-practised Orthodox Sithism) is a religion of peace, and your average Sith is much more likely to join and lead a democratically elected party on a federal level than build a galaxy-spanning Empire.
Today, however, there are no "Sith Lords". One college dropout from New Jersey, Phil Argus, (Who actually became Sith person "Darth Argus" to get rid of his life-uprooting roommate Joel Dawson, because Joel caused Phil's insanity), had this strange trait of calling everyone a "queen" when mocking them, whether you were male or female. i.e.:"Language queen." After he used this among several of his new Sith compadres, they all adopted the new titles of "Dark Ladies of the Sith."
Sith and Jedi
There are two sides to being a Jedi; traditional Jedi are really swell guys who will persuade a bartender that your tab is paid up, while the renegade faction the Sith are really cool guys who will gladly kill off your superior officer to get you a promotion.
It is very easy to differentiate a Sith from a Jedi: Siths aways use black robe and are very cool, but very ugly. The Jedis on the other hand aways dress like monks, and look as silly and dumb as an animated cartoon. And most Jedi members talk backwards.
When a person becomes a Sith they are renamed by their new Sith master (using the Force) to something cool that is usually a typo and gives some hidden meaning to how they play out in the grander scheme of the universe like:
- Darth Bane (The Oh-to-tha-mothafuckin'-G of the Sith Order)
- Darth Revan (So named because he was actually a giant black bird. Wore an armored cloak and mask to hide this fact from others.)
- Darth Plagueis (The Dark Snuffles)
- Darth Sidious (The Dark Guy-Who-Sneaks-Up-Behind-You-and-Grabs-Your-Yahoo)
- Darth Benedictous (The Dark Lord of the Catholics)
- Darth Tyranus (The Dark Dinosaur)
- Darth Vader (The Dark Papa Bear)
- Darth Derp (Exerts a powerful influence on the extremely weak minded.)
- Darth Vicodinus
- Darth Rachel (Sith Of tshs)
- Darth Vasquez
- Darth Whitney
- Darth Bush
- Darth Talon
- Darth Hussein
- Darth Wilde
- Darth Peter Steele
- Darth Manson
- Darth Reznor
- Bullsith (Sith Lord with horns, much like a minotaur.!)
- Holy Sith (It's a Sith Lord too, but it's not dark and evil. It's HOLY.)
- Evil Empress Darth Kay (The most beautiful sith lords but she is really such a Pain.Never judge a book by its cover,boy!!!)
- Dark Helmet (Some guy from SpaceBalls who's really a little Jewish creature from the Bronx)
Sometimes the sith name themselves by something refering to their lighter years, before sith.
- Darth Foot-Long (Ex-Porn star turned Sith Lord)
- Darth Smatijove (Religious bread nutcase from Malaysia)
Some names are totally non-predictive and non-reminscent.
- Darth Paul (The dark Paul)
- Darth Ten O'Clock (Daylight Saving Time)
Some names are acquired purely by accident:
- Darth Darth (Filled out the wrong textbox on the Sith application form)
- Darth Garth (Was only admitted to Sithdom because his Sith name would be cool)
- Darth Carson (Gay dressmaker to the Sith)
- Darth Mall (His file was confused with that of a shopping center the day he was named. Incidentally, he has often been seen graffitizing the outside of the Darth Tragznorth Shopping Center.)
- Darth Star (Tonnes of equipment, personnel and resources have been reported to her over the years, as she is often confused with the notorious Sith warship the Death Star.)
However there is no set naming convention to being a Jedi, you just get stuck with the shitty title "padawan" (padawan translates to dick sucker in old norse) until you prove you're not a complete pansy. Many Sith names are created by taking a word beginning with the prefix "in" and then leaving out the "in", such as "Insidious = Sidious", "Invader = Vader" and "Incoherent = Coherent".
There are several easy to spot signs of a Sith:
- Carries a really big key chain on their waist.
- Carries a red light saber, as opposed to a blue, green, orange or purple one
- Is about to pwn you
- Asks you to join their side. This is also a sign of gayness, however
- Constantly refers to forks and sporks.
- Obsessed with destroying the world
- Fixated on the question of the existence of ferrets and lawyers.
- Kills people with their mind or at least chokes people over the telephone
- Can leap over a building in a single bound.
- Is so pasty-looking they may well be a corpse.
- Obession with space-to-ground weapon platforms. (See Death Star and the Alan Parsons Project)
- Can sense obvious bullshit(like this entire article)
The Sith Lunchtime Prayer
"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to power, power leads to energy, energy leads to matter, matter leads to molecules, molecules lead to organic life, organic life leads to tasty sandwiches, which lead to VICTORY! Let the sandwiches flow through you and make you strong. Sandwiches channeled through your bowels are unstoppable!". Amen! This is also the Republican National Committee's lunchtime prayer.
Sith of Note
- Darth Norris - The shadowy founder of both the sith and the jedi orders. They grew apart as they had an argument over which group served Lord Norris best. He watch their petty squabbling and pronounced that he would leave them to their fates by saying "There are thee sides to the force Light, Dark, and Norris". To this day the sith and jedi still fight over who caused Darth Norris to leave them.
- Darth Emasuclus - Renowned for his unorthodox Lightsaber attacks, no man who faced this Sith in battle was ever the same.
- Darth McCain-A sith lord that specialises in mind tricks and shape shifting, not only of himself but of his platform. No one knows his true form.
- Darth Imbecilis-An untold tragedy in the Star Wars universe. Darth Imbecilis was infamous for having been the most powerful Force user in History, with a midichlorian rate far higher than Yoda, Sidious and even Skywalker, yet he was estimated to have an IQ of 78. He was excluded back and forth from the Jedi Council and the Sith Order for his confusing choices of slaughtering Jedi Masters and Sith Lords -or saving the lives of some unrelated people- just by "mistake", or by misjudgment. Lord Imbecilis managed to stir massive, deep confusion amongst the ranks of the Jedi council and bringing shame to the Sith Order with his constant, embarrassing, thoughtless remarks related to trivial details of discussions, and to make stupid pranks to his masters of both sides when communicating through the Force, just to get attention from them. It is how he developed the force ability that became known as "Force Fart".
After years of heavy embarrassment were they had to tolerate his presence in the Force, at the expense of losing credibility from their own disciples, Yoda and Sidious eventually had no other choice than to unite their forces in a bid to put an end this major disturbance in the Force. After a fierce fight involving the greatest warriors of the Jedi and Sith orders, where Imbecilis was seen picking his nose and performing grimaces as he single-handedly defeated Dooku, Windu, Sidious, Skywalker/Vader and even Yoda one after the other to the bewilderment of the weaker Force users, he was eventually stabbed to the groins in a lucky lightsaber strike by Obi Wan Kenobi. Even to this point, his Force abilities prevented him to die, has he used a combination of his immense Force power and total thoughtlessness to "Force ignore" his fatal wound, but he was finally brought down by George Lucas himself, following numerous death threats sent to his person by hordes of Star Wars fans. He was then cast into the wastelands the Expanded Universe for the rest of his life.
Imbecilis was later seen teeming up with Jar Jar Binks, Ewoks and Neimodian bankers to stop Naboo from sinking in a black hole in "Star Wars Episode 7: The Return of Star Wars", a direct-to-DVD release scheduled for December 21st 2012.
- Darth Benedictus- also known as Pope "Benedict XVI" (pronounced "iksvie") or simply "Eggs Benedict," is the High Pope and Leader of the authoritarian State of Rome. He was trained by Darth Hitler and was widely believed to be the second President of the United States
- Darth Foley- 'Nuff said.
- Darth Bean-Considered one of the cleverest Sith lords in history, due to his dumb nature. finally killing himself by using his lightsaber to open a microwave.
- Oprah - A being of unimaginable power, she has used her force powers to create and empower her own book club (which is of bad taste), and horrible creatures such as (Darth) Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Dr. Phil
- Judas - A fallen force user from before the days of Jedi and Sith, whose treachery essentially handed Jesus to the Romans and allowed for his rebirth as a manifestation of the force in order to lead the Jedi and finalise the teaching of the first 11 Jedi masters.
- Darth Vader - A rogue Jedi who has a penchant for black and choking people with his mind, Vader was known for killing many Jedi and for beating his son. He wore a helmet since Luke told him he was ugly
- Superman - Superman lead a life of ease until falling into a lava flow, which lead to his nickname "the man of steel", as he was from that time on encased in a metal suit in order to keep him alive. Because of the anger boiling inside that suit he later fell to the dark side and became Superfreak, much to the chagrin of the Sith as he refused to take the Darth moniker.
- Darth Rove - Karl Rove's Sith persona and one of his many many other guises.
- Darth Cheney - The Sith master of Darth Bush and the apprentice of Darth Rove.
- Ty Cobb - AKA "The Georgia Sith" was a fierce competitor on and off the battlefield, some say too competitive. On his days off he enjoyed shagging a few flies with Old Ben. Cobb often used his light sabre illegally and therefore made many enemies. His favourite move, "spiking the first baseman".
- Darth Nocide - Led the Third Reich in an attempt to take over the planet Earth. Very little is known about Darth Nocide, but his ability to convince people to believe in anything is comparable to that of even greatest Jedi.
- Darth Sidious - One of the most clever Sith lords, Sidious engaged in a long campaign that resulted in him dominating an entire galaxy. While his plan was executed right under the collective noses of the Jedi, he was not discovered for what he was until it was too late. Sidious was thrown down a ventilation shaft in the Death Star II by Darth Vader. A descendant of Darth Sidious was responsible for the murder of the Jedi Jesus.
- Darth Dollars - More commonly known as Bill Gates, Darth Dollars is the most successful Sith since Darth Sidious. Not to be taken lightly, Darth Dollars uses his "Windows" operating systems in an attempt to seize control of all minds everywhere. Fortunately for everyone, this always results in Blue Screen of Death.
- Darth Ringo- More well know as Stalin of the USSR, Stalin threw out Trotsky and turned the USSR over to the dark side.
- Darth Tater - This plastic menace long held power over the Wal-mart Toy department in Winston, Virginia, which he ruled with a plastic fist.
- Darth Doofus - A master of the force, he used his mind trick abilities to become president of the United States in 2000 and again in 2004. Darth Doofus plans to transform Mars into another Death Star after he's removed the weapons of mass cheese.
- Darthboard - A message board turned to the dark side. Tired of the fighting between the users and the staff, he went on a quest on the internet and found an unknown location filled with dark side knowledge. Using this knowledge, he took Noob Saibot as his apprentice and began hacking computers all around the world. They were the ones behind the Y2K bug in order to produce paranoia around the world and feed off the people's negative emotions. Until now, no one knows their exact location due to their IP address being covered with the power of the dark side (COME TO THE DARK SIDE - WE HAVE COOKIES).
- Darth Anonymous - An unknown Sith lord to the world with the power to become anonymous. The identity of this Sith lord is very disputed, but is known that he (she?) exposes the companies dirty secrets in order to get rid of the competition (Enron, Microsoft, etc) and also turn the employees to the dark side.
- Darth Critic - Known as Simon Cowell to the media and for wearing a black t-shirt (his Sith trademark). As a judge in American Idol, he uses his force powers (his harsh criticism) to turn wannabe singers (mostly awful ones) to the dark side. Luckily, his powers have no effect on Jedi Master Paula Abdul and force potential singers (the good ones).
- Darth Marx - The sith who had the idea of red lightsaber, after his suggestion of lighthammers and lightsickles were refused.
- Darth Inhebrius - The Drunken Master
- Darth Italy - Cary Graham, again complained and disappeared, twat!
- Lord JJ - He wanna be a sith Lord
- Darth Arnold - Sith aprentice, and data backup dark lord at a major Texas university in the DFW metroplex. He is the great-great-great-great grandson of Sith General Benedict Arnold, and is related to Darth Billy the Kid.
- Darth Skankius - Hillary Clinton - Possible future Emperor of the Galactic Republic Of America, Sith Lord and known to strangle people named Brittney, Brittany, or Britney (Yes, this includes all of the gay guys out there.).
- Darth Muhammad ibn Abd al Wahhab - Sith prophet to the middle east.
- Darth E. Duck - the first Avian Sith Lord used his powers of mind control via electronic media to corrupt and influence generations of unsuspecting citizens of Earth into the evil ways of the Sith and Disney.
- Darth Wilde - Also known as His Wildeness, Ultimate Pwner, Galactic Emperor Oscar Wilde.
- Admiral Piett - Okay, the fucker wasn't a Sith Lord, but this guy was more evil than Vader ever was. Think about it, he manages to escape the Executor after it gets rammed in the face by an incoming A-Wing, and has his own cult. Thats more badass then that sissy Anakin who switches sides after tossing his boss down an elevator shaft.
- Darth Kefka - Also known as the popular German literature writer Franz Kefka and inventor of the hard-hat, he has killed Sith lord Darth Cruise, only to be killed later by
- Dark Alex - The first person ever to hack his lightsaber and creator firmware robot m33-3PO.
- Darth Zakuda - Know for being the only one to beat God with a Sith-pakuto (Sith Spirit Lightsaber), also the only guy to make Chuck Norris cry without using force powers.
- Darth Paulina - The only Sith who can draw anime with her sith army knife. Sealed Darth Zakuda with her unique force power, which made him into a 2-D anime picture, because he didn't get her pie on time.
- Darth Harry Potter all the suffering he went through in the first 16 years of his life turned him into a Sith bent on destroying other peoples clones.
- Darth Penis - He was only three inches but he was thick.... thick! Thick with the dark side!
- Darth Chandravarman - He is Ruler of Mordor and Siam,He turn Mordor into Darkside.
- Darth Obama One of the newest Sith lords with great mind control powers he clouds the judgement of people even when faced with proof of his lies. No one truely knows what his goals are other then your normal socialist Sith such as Emperor Hitler.
Today Sithism TM is still around and strong many sith follow there paths in life and meet in force areas to plan there next moves..
Sith are overal good people who are misjudged. Heck Darth Plagueis the Wise just wanted to save the people he loved |Quote: Palpatine| (even though moments before mentioning this, Anikin said that Sith only care about themselves while Palpatine agrees)They just want to be loved. With a Sith there is not good nor evil there is only PoWWwWErrRrRRr!!!!!!!!!!