Skippy-Jif Peanut Butter Debates
The Skippy-Jif Peanut Butter Debates of 1858
It was a time of conflict for the United Spades of America. One union, once so united and cohesive, was being torn apart over an issue paramount to the union's existence: peanut butter Consistency. As new states entered the United States, one persistent question permeated the states' admissions, "Chunky or smooth?" The house divided on this key issue on the basis of both moral and economic prejudices, leaving many to question the union's real endurance. On one side, the Smooth-Staters, primarily Northerners, favored a National Smooth Peanut Butter, as the additional required processing would ensure stability for the large mechanized factories and economy. The Chunkys, from the South, found that Smooth Peanut Butter could be manufactured much more easily with the small, low-grade imports of French Peanuts, which would endanger Southern agriculture. The chasm dividing the nation could not be filled by the sweet nutty butter alone.
Two bright souls, Abraham Skippy (a Smooth-Stater) from Illinois, and Stephen A. Jif (a Chunky) met in a series of debates to decide the issue of Peanut Butter and the rights of the staes to a principal known as popular sovereignty, the idea that states had a right to choose their consistency of Peanut Butter.
- Skip formed an argument of state's rights, which strongly coincided with the individual rights of the states, whereas Skippy argued for a United consistency, one in which the states and nuts lost their individual identities to serve a greater good.
- "Peanut Butter is not the only question which comes up in this controversy. There is a far more important one to you, and that is, What shall be done with the free peanut?" ~Stephen Jif.
- "A jar divided cannot stand. I believe this nation cannot endure permanently half-smooth and half-chunky. I do not expect the Peanut Butter to dissolve - but I do expect it will cease to be divided. It will become all one thing or all the other." Abraham Skippy June 16, 1858
Skippy formed a compelling argument for uniform consistency, one that ultimately gained a firm rooting and popular support. The stunning victory allowed for Skippy to be elected President, however upon hearing of his election, the Chunky States voted for immediate succession, forming the Chunkfederacy. President Skippy demanded that the Chunky states be repressed into the Smoothion and sent Smoothion troops to fight in what would soon be known as the Peanut Butter Civil War. He later issued the Enutcipation Proclamation, which freed all crunchy peanuts from their nut shape in areas controlled by the Chunckfederacy.
The most recent debates have included topics such as the downturn in sales of peanut butter, and other contrivertial, imporant topics.