Skymall

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“Providing you with things you don't need at prices you can't afford.”

~ SkyMall

“Its a mall in the sky.”

~ Captain Obvious on Skymall

What is SkyMall?[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Skymall.

SkyMall is arevolution in mall technology -- an airborne shopping mall. As such, it features these amazing improvements on ordinary, or 'groundstuck' shopping malls.

  • Customers' merchandise anticipation time is substantially increased. Oh, yeah, it's sitting right there. No, I know you can see it, and you have cash or other method of purchasing power. But due to inflight regulations, there will be a delay of three weeks, during which you can experience the thrill of knowing your merchandise is on the way.
  • Payment is processed efficiently and immediately.
  • Our merchandise is unique. Our gigantic multilingual crossword puzzle, for example. Have you lost your virginity yet? Because with this thing hanging around your house, you'll never lose it. But thanks to its special tactile narcotic qualities, you won't care. We specialize in "objets d'air." For example, only at SkyMall can you purchase rainwater that has never touched the ground -- a treasured resource for those whose lifestyle includes bathing. SkyMall also has an amazing collection of natural fauna and flora for sale, thanks to its low altitude flight pattern.
  • You can only enter or leave the mall at predesignated times, and only two people can leave or enter at once. Why? Because, actually the reason should be obvious. We are in mid-air! It's hard enough to open one door without all of our merchandise flying out. If we open two doors at once -- well, let's just say it's a mess.
  • Entrance to SkyMall is absolutely free! But due to our substantial expenses vis a vis sales, we must charge a fee to shoppers whose decision time exceeds three minutes per item.
  • And, now, at his personal insistence, a word from our pilot, Knodd Proctren. "You know what? I'm sick of this selling thing. I j ust want to fly real low over the countryside and look in people's windows, and if no-one shops at SkyMall, I can't afford my habit. If you don't come to SkyMall, now, we're just gonna blow it up. Alright? Just blow it straight to hell. There's a lot of innocent people in there, not to mention I just might be over your house. You want that on your conscience? Do you? Didn't fucking think so. Show up.

Please visit SkyMall soon! We anxiously await your visit!

Some Fantastic Products![edit]

Here are some of our most popular products!

Giant World Map[edit]

Are you pretty much blind? Then you'll probably need this. Because otherwise you couldn't figure out where things were, because this is really gonna help you get around. Need to find your local supermarket? Well, it's pretty big, so you'd think you could. But no, you really can't. You can put a lot of pins in it and look like you've been places, though.

Giant Crossword Puzzle[edit]

Just like the Giant World Map, the giant crossword puzzle will keep you entertained for hours. All the clues are conveniently located in an included book, along with a number for the $2/minute crossword helpline. And when you're done with it, take it down and buy another one.

Puppy[edit]

Adopt a pet on impulse from us! We require no screeners, so you can pretty much just take the dogs and then ditch them on the road in a week when you grow weary of having some stupid little animal chew up your stuff. You don't have to take that shit, you're way bigger.

Black Plastic Thing[edit]

We don't actually know what this does. But what we're selling you is the ability to discover what it could be used for. You could, like, put it on a wall, or something... listen, not my problem. You'll figure it out.

Automatic Pet Feeder[edit]

Any pet lover knows that the right thing to do when going away for weeks at a time is to leave their best friend at home to tear up the furniture. The automatic pet feeder will keep your pet alive and nourished until either the food runs out or the batteries die, whichever comes first.

Electronic Tie and Belt Rack[edit]

Is your wife taking up more and more closet space? This might help. Optional features include remote control and light.

Giant Inflatable Movie Screen[edit]

Keep the family entertained and the neighbors annoyed by holding an outdoor movie night. Popcorn sold separately.

Death[edit]

Had enough of life? Well, we'll kill you. That's how excited we are to give you great customer service and satisfaction. Unfortunately, Death, like our other products, is not delivered immediately and you'll have to wait about three weeks, at the point where you'll have decided that you want to live, but then you open the door, and the guy has the gun, and you yell and try and run but he shoots you, and as you lay dying, bleeding out on the ground, you'll think, why did I buy this from Skymall? Because we had it for only $2000.00 and not a cent more, and you knew that you'd never find a bargain that great anytime again.

See Also[edit]