Slappy's Angels 5
|Producers||Oscar Wilde, Skippy Squirrel|
|Runtime||One Hundred and Twenty (120) minutes|
|Language||English, Conversational Lesbian|
|Distributed by||Fox Bros. Network|
Slappy's Angels 5 (originally released as Slappy's Angels 5: The Ultimate Conclusion) is a 2035 film and the last in the overstretched Slappy's Angels series, written by Skippy Squirrel for the sole purpose of making a quick buck from an ever-dwindling fanbase. The series featured all of the original cast reprising their original roles from the previous films, and contained references to all films plus the TV series.
It is 2035, 28 years since the A.N.G.E.L.S. first formed, and 15 years since they had a decent job. The A.N.G.E.L.S. have split up to find work elsewhere. Slappy Squirrel is making a living from posing for cigarette commercials, Lola Bunny is wallowing in cash from the estate of her deceased husband Bugs Bunny, and Minerva Mink is making a nice living from posing for Playboy.
Skippy Squirrel, who has since made friends with Borat Sagdiyev, has taken to playing politics as the American Ambassador for America. On a cultural mission to the Manhattan Natural History Museum, both he and Borat spot Andy (played once again by part-time asshole User:Crablogger) being chased by a couple of Chinks (played by Fu Manchu and Vladimir Lenin). They chase him into the Museum, and Skippy and Borat decide to investigate.
Borat spots Andy in the Dinosaur exhibit, and catches him as he falls off a high-chair. Andy explains to Skippy that the Chinese are trying to obtain vital military secrets he has obtained via the Uncyclopedia, and has hidden a piece of microfilm on one of the dinosaur skeletons, before falling unconcious. Skippy and Borat are then chased from the museum by the Chinese who have once again employed Monkey Ninjas to do their dirty work. With this distraction, the Chinese carry the unconscious Andy into a waiting truck outside.
Back at the American Embassay, Skippy decides to alert the A.N.G.E.L.S. after realising that if he doesn't, not only will the movie be over after only five minutes, but he'll lose his seat in the Embassay. With the aid of several ex-pigeons, Skippy sends out messages to the girls, warning them that the time is at hand. Minerva, who misinterprets this as a joke by the Scientologists, is the last to arrive, after which Skippy fills them in on the problem, and the group, with the help of Borat, decide to inspect the Dinosaur at the museum.
With the permission of the curator Max Wilde (played by Oscar Wilde), the foursome fondle the dinosaur skeleton as they try to find the microfilm. At the very moment Lola finds it in the nape of the neck, one of the Chinamen, Wan Kin (Lenin) returns and takes them all prisoner, knocking Wilde unconscious and carting the rest away, not knowing that they have the microfilm. The four are crammed into a Tank and are taken to the hideout of the Chinamen, disguised as The Dead Tibetan Chinese takeaway. Along the way, Lola hides the microfilm up her pussy where the Chinamen can't find it.
Once the tank stops, the group are huddled into a backroom of the takeaway, where they are confronted by Fah Kin Dum (Manchu), who is the head of Sabotage, Espionage, and Xylophones (or S.E.X. for short), and states that China rightfully deserves the military secret stolen by Andy: "because we're bigger, stronger, and we invented Tea!". They lock the Angels, Skippy and Borat in a crowded cell where they find Andy beaten to a bloody pulp and chained to the wall, with bamboo shoots rammed up his ass and his eyes tired from being forced to watch Jackie Chan movies over and over again.
From Andy, they learn that the microfilm contains a secret formula that can turn semen into rocket fuel, and that Andy was trying to deliver it to the British Empire until the Chinks got at him. Skippy removes the microfilm by fingering Lola hard, and hands it to Borat. Wan Kin later allows Borat to go free after learning that Kazakhstan is also a Communist country that guns down it's citizens as regular as clockwork. Borat vows to deliver the microfilm, and to alert the authorities. Meanwhile, Minerva tricks Wan Kin into letting them go, promising to give him a good time, but instead popping him one in the balls.
The group escape (without Andy, who is still chained up) and rejoin Borat, who has delivered the microfilm to the British Embassay and it is now on it's way back to England. The group notice a huge truck arrive at the Takeaway, with Fah Kin embarking with Wan Kin (who has an icepack). Slappy decides to follow the group, whilst Borat stays behind to rescue Andy and deal with the authorities. With the aid of Slappy's new car, a Dodge Viper donated by her cigarette company, they take off after the truck, which arrives at the Museum.
Fah Kin confronts Wilde, and knocks him out once again, ordering Wan Kin to load the dinosaur onto the truck so that it can be examined for the microfilm. Slappy, Lola and Minerva climb aboard, and drive the truck away just as the Dinosaur has been secured. Skippy then runs Fah Kin and Wan Kin over with the Viper and picks up Wilde before taking off after the truck, which is heading back towards the Takeaway to pick up Borat and Andy. The two climb into the Viper and the cavalcade drives off towards the Airport and accidentally drive straight onto a cargo plane bound for Greece.
Elsewhere, Fah Kin and Wan Kin have used their resources to make arrangements. A military plane picks them up, and they use the on-board radio to prepare a military unit of Chinese heavy infantry to invade Greece and capture the airport before the cargo plane can land, blissfully unaware that they're just chasing after a frigging dinosaur and not the microfilm as first thought. The military plane itself then sets off for Greece, rear-ending a Concorde along the way.
In Greece, the cargo plane is shot down by Anti-Aircraft guns from the Chinese, who are slaughtering the Greeks with machetes and swords. The plane crashes in Athens, and the Angels are barely concious. The dinosaur skeleton has shattered into pieces, and the truck is useless. The Dodge Viper, however, is OK, and they slowly back out of the wreckage and get undercover as the Chinese move in for the kill. With the aid of some dynamite, Slappy blows them to pieces, but the Chinese have deployed a large electromagnet with a Microsoft logo and use it to capture the Viper and it's occupants.
At the Chinese camp on the Greek coast, the Angels (plus Borat, Skippy and Andy) are kept inside a bamboo cage as Fah Kin arrives, boasting about Chinese superiority and how they will always triumph (the usual bullshit, nothing too spectacular). As he demands for the microfilm to be handed over, Skippy spills the beans and tells Fah Kin it's true location. At that moment, an intercontinental ballistic missile flies overhead and exterminates the Monkey Ninjas camped on a nearby hill. The sky fills with gunfire and custard, as the British Navy arrives, firing a salvo of custard tarts in order to save on ammo. They are quickly joined by a fleet of American submarines who keep firing warheads all over the place, one for each Chinaman. Once Fah Kin has been turned into a big custard tart filled with meaty lumps, the Angels are set free.
Afterwards, it is revealed that the warheads had been fired by the secret formula Andy had tried to smuggle out, and so there was no sound of the exhaust to give them away. It is also revealed that, partly through the Chinese massacres and the over-eagerness of the Americans, the Greeks have been able to restore their monarchy, and they make the Angels (and their friends) honorary peers, with private homes in Greece free of mortgage and tax. The Angels live happily ever after, as usual.
Rumours of a fifth Slappy's Angels movie first appeared in 2028, when it was leaked onto Uncyclopedia that Skippy Squirrel was negotiating the idea with the execs at the Fox Bros. Network, although most of the former stars were unsure of the idea, as Slappy Squirrel once told reporters for Zoophile Weekly:
“It's news ta me. Skippy's always played with the idea, but seeing as the fourth movie bombed, I wouldn't hold yer breath if I were you.”
Some other reactions were more violent. Steven Spielberg, who was the villain of Slappy's Angels 3 and the TV series, famously assaulted reporters upon being asked the question, and was carted off to the Dentonvale Minimum-Security Correctional Facility for a nice, peaceful vacation.
However, both the execs at Fox Bros. and Skippy Squirrel were more positive. Whilst Spielberg was knocking the shit out of cameramen, Skippy was also interviewed by Zoophile Weekly:
“I'd be really happy to do a fifth Slappy's Angels movie. Not only would it mean that I can fuck Minerva Mink again, but it means I can make up for that bullshit I did with the last movie.”
The fifth movie was confirmed in 2029, and marked by Fox Bros. with the release of all previous films plus the complete TV series in a special DVD boxset entitled The Definitive Slappy's Angels Collection, in which they confirmed that Slappy's Angels 5 would be the last in the series.
In order to finish off the series, Skippy laboured day and night for a weekend rounding up old faces from all of the previous films to feature in cameos, as well as other faces only slightly connected to the series. Fu Manchu, for example, had previously appeared in the parody-film Action Movie, which itself was a parody of the Slappy's Angels series, and also where he had played Lenin's likeness for that movie.
As it was the last in the series, many critics were relieved that it was truly the last in the long-winded series, although they seriously doubted that it would truly be the last. Roger Ebert for USA Today wrote:
It's a nice round-off to the series, I think. Poking fun at Chinks among all of the really boring self-references make this a great comeback for Slappy and the gang. Pity it's the last of the lot, though.
Most critics praised the film for it's racist depiction of China, and few complained about it because they were shot if they did. Some critics, however, believed that the additional title The Ultimate Conclusion (given in US theaters only) was entirely in doubt, given how Skippy Squirrel had promised a conclusion to the series in Slappy's Angels: 10 Seconds to Armageddon, and again with Slappy's Angels 4: The Quest for More Money. Film star Jessica Rabbit, herself a one-time Angel from Armageddon, remarked:
We all know that this won't be the end, even if everybody else says it is. I'm probably wasting my time saying this, and you're right, but I think that sooner or later, Skippy will start running low on cash and we'll all end up seeing a Slappy's Angels 6 being announced.
The movie took $35,000,000,000,000,000,000.003 at the Box Office, and $26,000,000,000.051 at the Home Office, giving it a total of $35,000,000,026,000,000,000.054 overall, making it one of the highest-grossing films not only of the series, but of the year.
References to previous films
- The Monkey Ninjas are a reference to all four previous moviefilms, who (apart from Slappy's Angels) have been played continually by every screwball in Finland.
- The slightly-heroic role of Andy pokes fun at his incompetent stardom in Slappy's Angels: 10 Seconds to Armageddon.
- Borat Sagdiyev had previously appeared in the TV series and made guest appearance in some of the earlier movies, starring in part to make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan.
- Oscar Wilde, who plays a Museum Owner in this film, played an uncreditted tour guide in Slappy's Angels, and appeared as himself in the TV series.
- The fictional S.E.X. department that Fah Kin Dum works for is a nod to the Departmental Investigations Criminal Korps (D.I.C.K.) who had aided Lola and Slappy with the real-life Uncyclopedia Scandals, on which Slappy's Angels is based.
- The second moviefilm Slappy's Angels: Full Throttle had been set off the coast of Greece, on board the vessel HMS Cocksucker. A ship bearing some resemblance to the Cocksucker can be seen among the British Navy vessels in the final scenes.
- The Microsoft logo on the electromagnet references Slappy's Angels 4: The Quest for More Money, in which the Angels were pitted against Bill Gates and Microsoft.
- In the Museum is an old poster for the island of Bongo Bongo, the location featured in Slappy's Angels 3 and a handful of TV episodes.
Some of the songs featured here are from previous Slappy's Angels movies, but, quite frankly, nobody cares.
- Theme from Slappy's Angels (03:44) - Skippy Squirrel
- We're in the Money (02:53) - Slappy Squirrel, Lola Bunny and Minerva Mink
- O Kazakhstan (01:28) - The Kazakh Grenadiers
- Dinosaur Rap (02:11) - Kid Rock
- Stars and Strips Forever (02:59) - Fox Bros. Orchestra
- Runt, You Cunt! (04:40) - Rita and Runt
- The Torture Song (01:56) - User:Crablogger
- Little old Lady from Pasadena (03:35) - Jan and Dean
- Ride of the Valkyries (02:27) - Fox Bros. Orchestra
- Dinosaur Rap (reprise) (01:53) - Kid Rock
One year after the film came out, the film was placed on a separate DVD and released in Regions 1 through to 400 worldwide.
In 2037, two years after the film and 30 years since the original Slappy's Angels, all five films, including the TV series and made-for-TV movie were released together in The Complete Slappy's Angels Collection, in place of The Definitive Slappy's Angels Collection released sometime earlier.
|Slappy's Angels series|
|The Angels||Slappy Squirrel • Lola Bunny • Minerva Mink|
|Supporting Cast||Skippy Squirrel • Borat Sagdiyev|
|TV series||Slappy's Angels: 10 Seconds to Armageddon • Azamat Bagatov|