Slappy Squirrel
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“That's my aunt Slappy!”
~ Skippy Squirrel on Slappy Squirrel
Slapperton Fiona Squirrel I, better known by her stage-name as Slappy Squirrel (b. April 19 1919), is one of the greatest cartoon actresses of all time.
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[edit] Birth and Childhood
Like most people on this planet, Slappy was born in a hospital. In this case, it was in the year 1919, about two months after World War One was declared a draw, and when the United States of Armenia banned the use of fluffy, flower-print toilet paper outside of the government offices. Slappy's parents were Sammy Squirrel and Sally Squirrel.
“Ah, parents are wonderful things, ain't they? I always remember when I'd come home from school every day, when me Mother'd serve us Condemned Meat fer supper and Father'd hit us regular as clockwork. (Sigh) Good times...”
~ Slappy Squirrel on Parents
Until she was five, Slappy was an only child, but in 1924, Sally Squirrel gave birth to another daughter, Sandy Squirrel, who would grow up to be the mother of Skippy Squirrel.
“Sandy was always a get-up-an'-go type of gal. Always learnin' new things and shaggin' new men. Come to think of it, she spent most of her time gettin' up an' goin' that I doubt that Skippy's pop is his biological pop at all.”
~ Slappy Squirrel on Sandy Squirrel
Sandy later married, and was arrested after a botched vacation to Disneyland. Sandy would later escape to Kazakhstan and give birth to Skippy Squirrel there. Back in America, however, Slappy's schooling wasn't going too well.
“Who needs it?”
~ Slappy Squirrel on Education
Slappy had been enrolled in Harvard University, but it was at her time there that she decided that Advanced Hyperbiomathematics wasn't her destiny, and after torching the campus to the ground, set off to find her fortunes elsewhere.
[edit] Movie Career
Heading for Hollywood, Slappy set out to, like all the other brainless idiots of the time, make her fortune with the movies. Unfortunately, instead of movies, she accidentally stumbled on a secret government project in the guise of a propaganda series, and was unknowingly recruited into it's ranks.
“We were just so desperate for volunteers, that when the crazy squirrel walked through the door, we leaped at the chance and tweaked it's nipples until she signed up.”
~ Wakko Warner on Looney Tunes
Unbeknownst to Slappy at the time, she had been recruited into a top-secret government project commonly known as Looney Tunes. Despite being fooled, however, Slappy quickly became popular, and lasted for six long years on the set, until she had a falling-out with the nefarious prick Bugs Bunny.
“Sheesh! If you let him, that guy could've screwed a lamppost! He thought any woman that came his way'd gladly sleep with him! I didn't, though, I just shoved some dynamite up his ass and left!”
~ Slappy Squirrel on Bugs Bunny
The move shocked everybody both within and outside of government circles. Whilst the Looney Tunes project continued, it failed to convince Slappy to return to the project.
From 1943 to 1976, Slappy performed odd-jobs on the commercial circuit, posing for posters and TV spots for countless products using her former fame on Looney Tunes as a vehicle.
“OK, so it wasn't what I was exactly looking for when I burnt down Harvard, but at least it paid the bills, plus I got a good rep from some of the bigger companies.”
~ Slappy Squirrel on Commercials
It wasn't until 1977 that Slappy returned to movies, in the box-office bomb, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, a war drama set during the Great Tomato War of the 19th Century. Although the movie failed, Slappy later reprised her role as the mad-old-woman stereotype in the 1983 documentary Killer Tomatoes Strike Back.
“Killer Tomatoes aren't a good subject, OK, but I'm glad I went into it, lookin' back. It's better than trying to sell the damn things!”
~ Slappy Squirrel on Killer Tomatoes
The ploy worked, and it wasn't long until Slappy returned to the spotlight, appearing as the only white actor in the 1978 Blaxploitation film, The Hunchblack of Notre Dame, as well as a minor role in the Spike Milligan-directed 1986 thriller, Howard the Duck.
Slappy also made a brief TV career with her own segments on the 1993 comedy series Animaniacs, and later with two uncreditted cameos on Danny Phantom: The Animated Documentary Series.
In 2007, on a TV interview, Slappy revealed that shortly after Animaniacs, she had been offered the role of Marie Hornybitch in the 2006 movie Date Movie, but she had turned it down because it wasn't kinky enough for her tastes, and so the role instead went to Rouge the Bat.
[edit] Rap Career
In 1994 When animanicas ended slappy wanted to be a gangsta rapper.It was pretty easy work. Gangsta rap was popular in 1994 and you could become popular pretty easily.Anybody can become a gangsta rapper.All you had to do was say random stuff about sex guns and THUGLIFE. She heard of a rappper biggie smalls and he was prouduced by Puff Daddy now known as p. diddy at Bad Boy Records.She thought that if a random fat guy who only rapped about his dick could get signed,so could she.P. Diddy signed her only because he was attracted to her.To get signed,she had to have sex with him 40 times. With the help of P. Diddy she produced a rap album called CANT FUCK WIT SLAPPY. The rap album had cameos from skippy squirrel and biggie smalls. The album sold well only becasue biggie smalls had a cameo.Slappy's lyrical delivery was terrible.She could rhyme but she was off beat frequently and rapped moslty about Walnuts and her vagina.Plus,she dissed Tupac on some of her songs which people did notlike one bit.People paid good money to hear biggie smalls small cameo.He was only on one song toO.This album made her popular though.She was known for being on an album with biggie smalls.People also know her for having one of the worst rap records.Her rap album is listed on number 5 of of the worst rap albums of all time.P. Diddy dosent acknoledge that he produced the album.Its a project that he regrets doing and tries to forget it.
[edit] Personal Life
Off-camera, Slappy's life was very hard and stressing. Her relationship with her own nephew Skippy Squirrel had failed to put any real zing into her life, and her addiction to Walnuts were taking their heavy toll. In between commercials and TV spots, Slappy had taken up work as a sales consultant for Uncyclopedia.
“Justa bunch of lamebrain assholes with a paycheck big enough to buy every seat in the Senate.”
~ Slappy Squirrel on Uncyclopedia
However, in the midst of all her romantic depression, Slappy saw her chance with a chance-encounter with an industrial slave for Uncyclopedia at a Christmas party in 2006.
“Shit.”
These were the very words spoken by the slave, who was then whisked away into the night by an ageing squirrel desperate to sit on somebody's face, even if it was repulsive.
To this day, the aforementioned industrial slave has rarely attended work, because he has permanently been handcuffed to the wardrobe railings in a squirrel's treehouse in Burbank, California. Good news for Slappy, bad news for the poor bugger in the wardrobe.
[edit] Filmography
- Slappy's Angels: 10 Seconds to Armageddon (2015) - Herself
- Cartoon Movie (2015) - Herself
- Duckula: Dead and Loving It (1995) - Lucy Westenwren
- Howard the Duck (film) (1986) - Jurywoman Jones
- Killer Tomatoes Strike Back (1983) - Lady Dunstable
- The Hunchblack of Notre Dame (1978) - Saint Mary
- Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1977) - Old Mrs. Blewitt
- Bunfight at the O.K. Tea Rooms (1972) - Referee
- Looney Tunes (1936 - 1942) - Herself
[edit] See Also
| Slappy's Angels series | |
|---|---|
| The Angels | Slappy Squirrel • Lola Bunny • Minerva Mink |
| Supporting Cast | Skippy Squirrel • Borat Sagdiyev |
| TV series | Slappy's Angels: 10 Seconds to Armageddon • Azamat Bagatov |
