Slash

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“You serious? He only has like 17 different pedals. Yeah I'm way better than that guy.”

“He plays guitar really fast.”

~ Captain Obvious on Slash

“He's so manly....”

~ Brett Michaels on Slash

“He's actually me, with me hair coverin me face & a top hat on.”

~ Brian May on Slash
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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Slash.

Born Slash-Hack-Colon-Semi-colon-Exclamation-Mark-Comma-Question-Mark (/–-!,? for short) to a mother and some guy possibly you or maybe Hitler, Slash was a gutairist best known for his boring annoying bendy solos and longtime association with buddy Axl Rose. Slash has had a shitastic career which shows no signs of abating. While Slash is no stranger to ups and downs, it's clear that his godliness will be long-lasting. Slash is possibly the only son of former governor James Brown. He has three brothers, Duff McKagan,Satan and optimus prime.

Songs on Slash's iPod[edit]

  • Panic! at the disco - Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off (Dedicated to Axl Rose)
  • Deicide - Welcome to the Jungle (Gn'R cover)
  • The Beatles - We're not as good as Slash and co.
  • Ratt - Slash is So Good Looking
  • Anthrax - Caught in a mosh (Slash Remix)
  • Cannibal Corpse - Stripped, Raped and Strangled By Slash
  • Sponge bob Square pants - The Crazy Slasher Song (Dedicated to Slash)
  • High School Musical - Start Of Something New
  • Crazy Frog - Sweet Child of Mine (cover)
  • Fergie & Slash - Sweet Illegitimate Child O' Mine
  • The Red Hot Chili Peppers - Slash A Ho ( Hey Ho )
  • Jonas Brothers - I wish we didn't have these purity rings so that we could rape slash damn disney motherfuckers have to keep us straight
  • Alice Cooper - Why Slash ain't my son but it's cool.
  • Miley Cyrus - 7 Things about my Dick.
  • He-Man - HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA

Slash as a child[edit]

Slash was born in his backyard in the darkest places of England. Soon he was named Gelando. Slash got his name by threatening Jimmy Page in the backseat of an old ford escort after Jimmy atempted to make love to Slash. As Slash pulled out a sharpened spoon, which he had named Tim, he proceeded to cut Page`s left nipple off, resulting in global terror which is still continuing this very day in an act called 9/11. By the age of 4, he was able could kiss Hendrix's ass. Slash is an android clone of starwars which was a big hit movie. The corporation named it the Slashamatron 2000, they made 1 billion models till Brian May got pissed off with what was going on and attacked them all with his guitar like a a killer guitarist, some sources state it was Jimmy Page and not Slash, but Ariel Sharon insisted it be slash who was recorded as having done so. One lone robot hid in the undergrowth until May became mentally sober and realised what he had done. This model was then taken by Brian May and brought to the future, to be sent to the past every time something or someone would try to kill his future master. Slash always tried to defeat the oh so mighty Fabian lord of Guitars. Some say Fabian is fictional other say that they have seen him in Switzerland rocking out in Zurich's bars. When Gelando and Fabian first met it was on they started their rock war that will never end even when death will us part!

As the years went by, Slash failed every battle and Brian May got killed every single time. This sucked just a bit. Luckily, May used his awesome brain power and did something with space and it was all ok. Eventually May threw him back through time and gave him an unremovable wig. He made a new robot called Freddie Mercury and everyone loved him. Meanwhile, Slash the 23rd was born, however significantly no royalties were ever ditributed to Jimmy Page for using his DNA. His mom was a human, and his dad a robot [made in a basement in Jerusalem, though some say his dad is in fact Gene Simons] he was born a straight diagonal line, which made delivery a fairly painless event for his mother, at the time carrying twins (see also Back Slash). He had a pleasant—but odd—childhood.


OH SNAPPLE!

His parents took him to unlikely vacation spots, such as IBM, Xerox PARC, and Smith-Corona. The friendly but odd denizens of those far-off civilizations took a liking to the youngster. In his honor they added a key to their keyboard for him. They also gave him a hat to hide his wet dog frizzy hair. It is through this that his first level of fame was achieved.

HIS NICKNAME. Hitler gave 'Splash' his nickname because the guitarist was constantly urinating. Splash wasn't very good at spelingg, and so it became 'Slash'. Fed up with this medical condition, Slash (Splash) went to seek medical help. One doctor said if he ate more spaghetti it might help him control his bladder... unfortunately it just made his hair go really curly and long. This provided the idea for the album entitled 'the spaghetti incident'.

Slash as a musician[edit]

"What the fuck?": Slash pondering the meaning of life.

Much of slash's music is inspired by Barack Obama. This makes sense as Jennifer Holiday sucks, but Slash does also. This is an example of Slash using his sheer volume of notes to hold back the forces of hell.

Slash was inspired to play the drums after seeing god in his human form (Michael Jackson) playing in a dream. Shortly after Slash joined a group of amazingly talentless people called Guns N' Roses. They released a couple albums and toured. The lead singer, George Michael... caused some problems later on which we can't discuss due to legal issues involving Freddie Mercury and Elton John

Slash then left to form a new wave group called the Dirty Dozen, which consisted of 2 pianists, Slash and the Blue Man Group. Their success was cut short due to George Michael. Once again those legal issues.

It is also true that Slash is the only man alive able to give a guitar an orgasm! the evidence of this can be found during the solo in 'sweet child o' mine' where if listening carefully you can clearly hear the guitar scream out "Oh slash , Oh babay!!" (or was that just axl rose screaming that, hmm...) either way its a nice image.

Slash's hat may look typical, but looks can be deceiving; inside, there is a propellor-device which is operated by Slash playing a certain riff on his guitar. The top of the hat flaps back as the device rises up, rotating at such a speed that it is able to lift Slash to safety in the event of a crowd riot, or to help him get to a gig in time if his alarm didn't go off or he just slept in.

In 2011, Slash, drunk as usual, accidentally signed a deal that contractually obligated him to sell his soul to the Devil for that sweet child o' his, and having to play on-stage with the the Devil's grandson, Fergie, in front of trillions of people (and, oddly enough, Canadians) at Super Cereal Super Bowel XXXVVVLLLVLVLVLOLOLOLOL, in which the Steelers didn't pay enough money to get the last pass-interference they needed to beat the Green Bay Fudge Packers, and lost. Ben Rapinyo'burger proceeded to rape Slash, as is his custom, for distracting him with his Troy Polamalolololu-esque hair. Slash was convinced not to press charges (through methods that Slash described as "with his tiny penis").

At one point in his childhood, Satan directly confronted Slash in a Rock-Off. Even though Slash only had a £10 acoustic guitar from Argos, Slash managed to fend off the Devil and even turn him into some scrummy raspberry jam. Slash proceeded to spread this jam on some toast, and gobble it down, washing it down with a beaker of pure wonderment. This toast boosted Slash's awareness rating by 3928758597, putting him almost on par with Frank Zappa.

Slash in his old age[edit]

Having survived the great Rock Wars of 2050, Slash retired to the coasts of Kansas. When he isn't spending his time surfing and playing shuffleboard with Nick Carter, he loosely practices Buddhism and poses for Playgirl, though always being disappointed of not being a centerfold. Slash and his wife of over 50 years, Perla, have taken up vegan lifestyles and he has said ", Vegans taste better!" (pun intended)

Slash is also famous for being the only person in the world without a nationality. Perhaps he's Egyptian? After days of research the ass wipe who posted that slash was perhaps Egyptian found out that slash was infact born in Stoke on trent, which is actually a fictional place on the moon. After another few days, the idiot who posted that Slash was born on Stoke on trent didn't realized that above are facts and his was a lie. After yet another week of negotiations, the hostages were all released to the open arms of their mothers (as in Frank Zappa's Mothers)

Slash's mom is black and his dad is jewish, and was born in england but lived in the US, which actually means he's of no nationality, religion, or race. I swear.

In 2046 Slash bankrupted Jack Daniel's Distillery when he drank every last drop of their whiskey and put it on Axl's tab.

Slashes number one fan is Kassandra from waynes world, she once talked to him on the phone and cried. True story.

He died on 2999 at age 1056, but came back to life on 2088. Which is quite ironic as he came back to life before he died. Hmm.

Other Slashes[edit]

Here are some other slashes:

  • slash forward /////////////////////////////////
  • slash backwards \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
  • Slash Confused |||||||||||||||||||||||||
  • Slash having fun 8====D 8===D

Slash and how the world came to be[edit]

Back in the year 0 AC (or was it DC?) there were three separate entitys of guitar ultimateness. they were known as Slash Eddie van Halen (aka Jesus) and John Frusciante (aka Jesus the second first) They came together in an all mighty jam, to end all jams, and after 33 years, it ended in the slaying of Jesus, by the emperor of said time (kerry King), this pissed slash off, so he rocked an allmighty solo, which enslaved all mankind, and was so powerful, it destroyed all the dinosaurs. He then went on to rule the world, where he was succeeded by other such greats as Genghis Khan (aka George Bush.)

Cale Anderson[edit]

Lives in drouin and is slashes favorite guitarist. his long curly brown hair shows hes the bomb ! Slash described cale as the better guitarist. 19 cm 19 cm 19 cm when slash toured with velvet revolver cale anderson was acting as secondary guitarist for the song "shack bad". aids

Vunter Slaush[edit]

In 2011, Two Scientists, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, released shocking results from their experiments on humanity, proving that Slash isn't real. He is based on an old dutch saint, Vunter Slaush, who would go from village to village, making all the children happy by rocking it hardcore, with his long hair, and his electric guitar and all. In the same publication, it was demonstrated that Lu Kim, the owner and operator of the City Wok, is really a white therapist named Dr. Janus. Both of these major scientific discoveries have come with very harsh criticism from the Scientific Community, causing many to doubt Dr. Parker and Dr. Stone's previous findings (Most famously: The Father of Eric Cartman, published in Stone and Parker (1998)). According to the scientists, the Slash we see today is really the parent of a child who believes that Slash is real. They usually perform for the child's birthday party, if the child has been good that year (Parker and Stone, 2011).

See also[edit]