Sleep

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Zzz... I feel like I'm going to fall asleep...

Wake up now!!!

Sleep is for bitches and people with narcolepsy. You are most likely viewing this page because, having spent all day at your computer, you are now having trouble falling asleep.

Sleep was designed by the creators of Uncyclopedia to keep You from making continuous edits of pages.

Did you know? Sheep never sleep, because they are awesome. But awesome turned out to have HIV and now there's an ovine AIDS epidemic. You win some, you lose some more.

[edit] SLEEP: The Covert Killer

Sleep is a common nutrient deficiency in the caffeine stream caused by an over-abundance of blood. This condition occurs to over 99% of people within their lifetimes, and in most cases the condition, when apparently out of the system, returns at a later date. Sleep has several common symptoms. The afflicted enters a coma-like state in which conscious motor functions cease, brain activity is reduced, stupidity increases, and the afflicted is entirely unaware of the outside world. This coma can last from a few minutes to several days. Sleep symptoms occur most frequently during regularly scheduled television showings of Fear Factor. Often, sleep sufferers (synonym: "zombies") will report hallucinatory experiences, such as: "cavemen playing pinball". If a friend is suffering from any one of the symptoms it is advisable to inject no less that 15lbs of caffeine directly into their veins. This should combat the effects of Sleep. If this does not work, try any kind of physical contact, e.g Shaking, battering with a large object, or removing the limbs. If sleep persists immediately contact a morgue, as they are likely already dead.

Oh crap, I just lost the game.

[edit] The Snorgy

If you are participating in an activity such as Sleeping or Unconsciousness, if you wake up and hear your own snore, this is followed by an orgasm inside of your nostrils also known as "Nasal Ejaculation". Also known as a nosegy or a snotgy, mucous is ejected from the nose in spurts followed by a strong relaxing feeling.

[edit] Sleep Is For The Weak

“Got a .38 Special up on the shelf; I'll sleep when I'm dead. If I start acting stupid I'll shoot myself; I'll sleep when I'm dead.”

~ Warren Zevon on sleep

Brian Eno, certified sleep technician.

The ONLY exception to this is cats. Cats sleep 10 hours a day or more. Their POWER!!! is not damaged by sleep, because cats are just that awesome like awesome. Typically it is also considered morally imperative, or in the very least civic responsible, to improve on their drooling faces with the nearest Sharpie. Popular choices--in order of statistical frequency--are: rimmed glasses, moustaches (preferably Hitler-esque or French), and poetry (preferably drunken). If the discoverer also happens to be drunk, equally ugly, or British, waking by urination appears to be acceptable. A secret message may lead you to a spot where no one sleeps.

[edit] The Cure For Sleep

In addition to the caffeine injection and physical actions mentioned above, there are several other means of combating sleep symptoms if they are available. Drugs such as methamphetamines, World of Warcraft, mexican dancing, and opiates can be used to suppress symptoms. Strangely, there is an occasional positive externality associated with cosmetic surgery that cures the problem entirely. Sleepers can also be woken up by placing one of their hands in warm fluid; a common waking technique used in Britain involves the use of urine.

Another more natural way of curing sleep is simply staying awake. Doctors advise against this because they do not believe in the added benefits of ultimate enlightenment. During the self-treatment of sleep, You go through certain mental phases which to begin with remind of reality but luckily don't stay that way. After seven days (28 if you are a rat), you should reach ultimate enlightenment .

Here's a video about sleeping. (John Lennon has a cameo appearance where he falls off his chair.)

[edit] Sleep inertia

For those poor fools who suffer from falling asleep, you may notice that they wake up, this can be avoided by getting a friend to smother you whilst afflicted. But on the off chance that you have chosen the wrong friends waking up is unavoidable. Once awoken there is a period of time between gaining consciousness of the external world and having a shower, eating brushing your teeth, having a cheeky fondle shooting a moose with a crossbow, ruthlessly beating your ageing mother or whatever your morning ritual is. This is the time it takes your brain to move from the drooling on the pillow 'bed-zombie' to the drooling on probation office jockey (or whatever your morning entails). This is known as sleep inertia, often a cause of building up an excess of sleep momentum. Campus dwelling students mind find that sleep

File:X

Picture, na mate i cant find my camera, er, can you like turn the light off, im asleep, like, yer

inertia is so great that it carries right through until 3 o clock, after 4 separate bouts of the munchies, but this is due to students being given proper tuition by top professors to allude sleep until 4 o clock in the morning. A common cure for sleep inertia is to meet an immovable object or turn the hot tap off on the shower towards the end, just before you get out. If you are reading this and think you are suffering from sleep inertia please do not operate large machinery attend school or advise political leaders of the course of action they should follow.

[edit] The Clown Theory

There is an ongoing debate among scientists regarding the theory that sleep is caused by clowns so that they can more easily eat children. This theory is largely hinged on the hypothesis that since no one has ever seen a clown sleep, it is therefore logical to assume that clowns never sleep, and since clowns primarily feed on children, the daring new philosophical field of logicamality dictates that sleep is the fault of clowns.

The detractors to this theory say that clowns do not possess any psychic powers since they are regular humans like you and me. They obviously have not watched any movies, otherwise they would know the horrible truth. Nevertheless, their viewpoints must be addressed as seriously as possible, so that we, the truth-knowers, can punch them at a time and place of our choosing.

The Clown Theory states that clowns constantly emit waves from their brains that cause the sleep disorder. Once enough people around a particular clown have fallen asleep, they will hunt for children to eat. Once their diabolical hunger is appeased, they continue their front as stupid hooligans, until the time when they must consume or perish.