Slenderman

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“He followed me once, and came into my bedroom in the dead of night, he won't forget that in a hurry”

~ Oscar Wilde on big, tall, thin men

“He's creepy”

~ Captain Obvious on completely real phenomena


Slenderman is a tall thin (or slender) guy who is absolutely real without any question at all. One of my friends saw him, well not a close friend... More like a friend of a friend really... Well a friend of a friend of a friend... But he's still real I swear, I saw him once... Well I didn't see him exactly but I felt he was there, which is practically as good, isn't it?

Origin[edit]

Nobody knows exactly where Slenderman came from, the popular opinion is that he was born in England on 30th January 1981 and now plays football for the national squad. He has also played for several teams in the English premier league and was the second top scorer in the UEFA competition 2006-2007. He sometimes celebrates goals by performing a dance known as the robot. Some people also believe that Slender, as he is sometimes affectionately known, doesn't exist at all. These people are stupid and wrong. Everyone knows that Slenderman is real. I've seen pictures and everything and there's no chance at all that the ominous tall figure could be caused by a tree with some branches or anything. And there's no chance that he's a meme created on a forum site, ESPECIALLY not on Something Awful Forums. He's completely and utterly real.

Hobbies[edit]

The Slenderman has many hobbies, his main one is snatching children and making them disappear without a trace. His other hobbies include tennis and making models out of matchsticks. In fact he once made impressive models of the Empire State building and the Eifel Tower. As far as snatching children is concerned, Slender usually goes for young boys who have been naughty, this led to assumptions that he is a rogue member of the clergy and therefore a raging paedophile. This led to a court case where good ol' Slender was tried for paedophilia, the trial went unattended by the mysterious being. This is because Slender was busy participating in a football match for England against Greece, where he scored two goals, not because he doesn't exist and therefore couldn't appear at the trial because of lack of existence. Because he exists. No, really he does. I've seen the pictures and those videos on youtube. He's got to be real.

Wikipedia Entry[edit]

Loath though I am not mention the name of this filth peddling, fiction spewing, bloated anus of a website it is important in the Slendy tale. He had a Wikipedia article, once. The page was then mysteriously removed supposedly by the obsessive admins of Wikipedia. But the truth is of course that Slenderman himself removed the article because of massive flaws and huge pulsating lies. Slenderman saw this hideous monstrosity of an article and removed it so he could save his reputation.

Social Networking[edit]

Slenderman is a modern mythical creature and, because he is so up to date and modern, he has a facebook profile. His display picture does not reveal much, partly because he doesn't have a face. Judging by his profile he also likes to write threatening poetry telling everyone just how darn real and dangerous he is. He is dangerous of course, and 100% real... Since Slenderman locates his victims by his prey thinking about him anyone who looks at his profile or adds him as a friend is automatically put on his hitlist. In fact any time you think about The Slenderman he comes for you. That of course includes reading this article. Yeah. That's right. You're thinking about him aren't you?

He's coming for you

Fact or Fiction?[edit]

Fact... No really... He's real... 100%... He's real and he's coming for you.

WARNING[edit]

Now you have read this article you are aware of Slenderman's existence. That means he knows where you are. And he's probably on his way.