Slinky

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“I had a slinky once. Piece of shit. ”

~ Oscar Wilde on slinkies

“We don't have the money for a PS3. Maybe next year. ”

~ Your parents on getting you a slinky for Christmas

“I Did have a slinky. But I straightened it. ”

~ Egon Spengler on slinkies

“I always was a SUCKER for the rainbow colored ones. ”

~ Richard Simmons on slinkies

“I love you mum.”

~ Iggy Pop on slinkies


Oh, the ______.

“ Slinkies are like springs, but they aren't in couches. They are also made of metal! ”

~ Captain Obvious on Slinkies.


The slinky was born in the 1920s when a curly-haired Italian girl fell into a vat of molten titanium. Apathetic businessmen found the remains, and so the slinky had been discovered. But what to do with it? Realizing how simple it was to amuse children in the 20s (these being children who spent their days toiling on their parents farms, and were too poor for string to jump rope with), the industrializing America found it's gateway toy to the G.I JOE SWASONSON [Motherfuckers].

A common instance of SSF, or Spontaneous Slinky Failure.

Modern Day Uses[edit]

Many hospitals in Africa use the slinky as a means to stretch the neck of females, thus facillitating better fellatio and preventing the growing problem of rape and, consequently, the spread of AIDS.

Recently, it was discovered that American soldiers were using slinkies to bind and torture Iraqi POWs.

You can also use slinkies to rob your father of his manhood, go on, kids. Try it out!

On a lighter note, slinkies may be used under careful instruction in the classroom to educate youngsters on the perpetual existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the omnipresent reaching of his noodly appendages.

It has been theorised that infinite fun may be had by pushing a slinky down an escalator, but this was proved false in the 1921s when someone tried it and ended up with a broken testicle. You have been warned.

It has again been theorised that slinkies can turn 180 degree coners, but this was proved false in 1922, the person testing this also ended up with a broken testicle. You have been warned. Again.

Tip

The Slinky is not a toy. Use responsibly.

Spontaneous Slinky Failure[edit]

Slinkies have been known to spontaneously interlock its ends, weaving its steel or plastic coils into each other. Scientists are still in the process of researching how exactly the slinkies manage to do this. Out of the 5 brave scientists who took on this task, two are dead, one is in a mental institution, one abandoned the project after the irreversable damaging of one of his testicles, and the fifth one was last seen in August 1955, just three days after having undertaken the research.

Note: Slinkies have in some rare cases been known to cut the person playing with it on their pinky finger.

Nobody has ever untangled a spontaneously failed slinky. In fact, no man has even tried to recover a SFS and gotten away with both their testicles, nor any woman with both her breasts.