Slipknot

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“..Yeah, and you guys thought there could be nothing more gay than myself!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Slipknot

“Got cock to spare, dear faggots?”

~ Slipknot on their adoring fans

“I know they sound like donkey shit but it don't matter, they're so dark and metal. I mean just look at those sick masks... are you looking?”

~ Slipnot fan on why anyone listens to Slipnot on purpose
Three of the nine members of slipknot take the time to relax after a stressful children's show.

Slipknot (short for Stupid Liquid Invisible Penis Krunchers Nathing Out Tits) (pronounced $1pkn07) are a Christian Cubin Jazz band strait out of the Hights Of Heaven. They became popular after a deal with the devil gone wrong wherein they asked for fame and fortune, but had to sound like shit and have a bunch of screaming white trash in their audience for all of eternity. Slipknot are the perfect band for those who like the concept of a band but hate music. To hide the fact that none of them are really human, they all wear masks at their live shows, and attempt to make human-like sounds with a string of universal swear words thrown in for good measure. They have nothing on Ed and his crossover thrash band, Rectal Waste.

Formation of the Band[edit]

As a child, the young Corey Taylor often dreamed of a life of stardom. He dreamed of a life as the lead singer of his own band, playing his music with unmatched skill in front of a screaming audience of thousands. Only one thing prevented him from this: absolutely no talent for all thing music. All this changed, however, the day that he found a lottery ticket on the side of the road. Quickly scooping it up before anyone else could steal it, he entered the draw and (in the first of many lucky occurrences in his life) won the huge amount of $6.83. Convinced that such an incredible amount of money must have been a blessing from God, he quickly renounced his gutter-scraping ways and bought a bus ticket to Iowa. Ah, Iowa! The promised land for Corey, a place where the houses were large and disease-ridden, the gutters plentiful and ever-flowing, and the prostitutes an affordable five bucks an hour. Thus Corey Taylor, the boy who would one day become the lead singer of Slipknot, rose from his humble beginnings to a life he once only dreamed of. It was here, whilst applying cotton buds to a man's mutilated face, that he met those who would later become the various drummers, guitarists and corpse wranglers of Slipknot. After releasing their debut album, Maybe Having All 9 People in Our Band Playing at the Same Damn Time Will Hide the Fact that Nobody Has Real Talent, white trash had finally found their type of music, and Slipknot's energetic live shows became a cash cow for them. Their follow up album, Let's Slaughter a Goat also became a best seller. By 2003, the band was sick of not playing real music and so their 3rd album, 3rd Album, contained hints of actual musical content. This was met with huge backlash with the white trash, and consequently, their 4th album, A Rusty Knife Through Your Balls contained less real music and more noise.

Slipknot needs three drummers because Joey Jordison, keeps forgetting to bring his drum kit to practice.

Band[edit]

The band always wears matching outfits and are referred to by numbers, because they assume all humans do that.

Slipknot before firing their original guitarist and hiring Jim Root.

0 Sid- Turntables: That's right, you read that correctly. Turntables in a heavy metal band. Why? Because they can, mother fuckers! Sid's masks have gone from a gas mask, to a skull, to Mr Roboto. Why? Because he can, mother fucker!

1 Joey Jordison- Lead Drums: Joey Joridson's total lack of drumming ability led to the addition of two more drummers to cover up his bad drumming. In a rare moment of slipknot empathy, the band was too nice to tell Joey to leave, and kept him on anyway. His mask is a kabuki mask and we're told it's very scary.

2 Paul The Pig- Bass: Paul started out as a pig, then a chipmunk, then this dog thing. Why the obsession with animals? It's what he eats for dinner. Saadly, Paul Grey passed away in June 2010. R.I.P.

3 Chris Fehn- Backup Drums, Backup Growls: Chris was the third drummer to join the band because dammit, two just aren't enough; his other job is to "sing" backup for Corey, so in theory, he could leave the band and it probably wouldn't make much of a difference at all. He is the only member of Slipknot who does not wear a mask, as no mask in existence could fit over his dildo-like Pinocchio nose.

4 Jim Root- Noise Guitar: Jim Root was the only member whose mask got less scary over time, going from this angry big chin thing, to his real face. He wears tight jeans because he is unaware of who the fan base contains. Lukily, he is Six -Foot Six so he just stomps on those pesky paparazi looking to take an unliscenced shot of him.

5 Silent "133" Bob aka Spiky Guy- Head Bobs, Button Pushing: Nobody really knows what Silent Bob does at their shows, or even if he's even a real member of the band. He's always there in the back, head bangin' away behind some sort of pedestal. It looks cool, though.

6 Clown- Backup Drums, Backup Screams, Baseball Bat, Sex with the Stage Props: Clown is completely unpredictable. He'll get into fights with anyone for any reason, so long as there is money involved afterward, and he'll bang on anything with in reach. He can do anything except play music. His masks themselves have suffered massive head-wounds doing God knows what after the shows. Ironically, he's the only member of the band classy enough to wear a tie.

7 Seven- Thrash Guitar, Kick-ass Beard: This is a man obsessed with the number seven. Maybe it's because it's the number of dirty words you're not allowed to say on TV. He likes to bend over when he plays, because he'll never be happy unless he's in constant back pain.

8 Corey- Lead Screams: He! is a world before he is a man. He! was a creature before he could stand. He! Will Remember before he forgets. BEFORE HE FORGETS THAT!

Discography[edit]

Singles

  • Wait, Wait, Wait, and Wait Some More - 1998
  • Spit it in - 1999
  • ...Baby, One More Time - 2000
  • The Cuddly Anthem - 2001 (This song was banned from Columbia because of 9/11)
  • Amazing Grace - 2001
  • After I Remember - 2003
  • AAAA! - 2003
  • Insanely Social - 2009
  • Uncomfortably Affable - 2009
  • All Girls are GONE!!! - 2010
  • I Love You - 2036
  • Constipated Anger!?! - 2037
  • Anual contractions - 2040
  • Fuck me baby one more time(Britney Spears cover)