Slough

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“Up Uranus.”

Slough is an unsightly town located to the south west of London and is full of immigrants causing a nuisance. These are the people who stab each other and mug everyone as they have nothing to their name. Much like Slough (Berkish: Slahh, innit?!), only worse. Slough has a fierce rivalry with Basingstoke for 'the biggest shithole in Britain'.

The best things about Slough are the roads out of it. Slough was deliberately located very close to Heathrow Airport in the hope that, one day, a jumbo might crash into the town. Slough is mentioned by Shakespeare in the "The Merry Wives of Windsor", where Falstaff says "Avast, Sirrah! When you say you live 'near Windsor', we all know you mean Slough".

Slough's suburbs are many, as it grew from an amalgamation of smaller villages. Originally Slough was called "Upton-Cum-Chalvey", meaning the villages of Upton, Cum and Chalvey. The village of Cum had a notable jewellery industry, providing pearl necklaces to queens and royalty over three centuries. In 1940 there was a vote for the new name of the united town. On the day the decision was made, the voters of Cum arrived prematurely, and were defeated in their attempt to force the motto "Cum early, Cum often" to be adopted by those that favoured naming the place after a different sort of sticky, gooey mess.

History of Slough[edit]

Slough in Ancient Times[edit]

As long ago as the mid-New Elizabethan age, Hobbits escaping the frantic pace of life in the heavily industrialised Shire, as well as fallen Internet Saint Liverpool Lass, sought refuge in the leafy glades of the old South Bucks forest (so called because of the abundance of male deer with Confederate Battle flags attached to their antlers inhabiting the area).

The new immigrants cut down lots of trees (see the War between Hobbits and Ents) creating an eroded patch of mud known as the Slough. By the simple expedient of putting up a big sign on the outskirts of the delightful Heathrow Village shopping centre saying "This way to the King's Great West Highway and Duty Free Shopping" the Slough attracted passing traffic. Making the mud of the Slough wet and sticky by means of high elven magic (those elves got very high) proved to be an ideal trap to mire rich men's coaches. This forced the rich men to stop in Slough and patronise the numerous Inns available for the noble purpose of ensuring that the travellers' money enriched local business. Thus the formerly rich men could resume their journey with a lighter purse and thus pass safely over the enchanted marsh.

The town of Slough was soon a thriving settlement - whatever the neighbours thought.

  • The chronicler Mad Meg suggests the origin of the South Bucks legend was the result of mischief by low elves shortly before the start of recorded history. Historians of modern times say that was an insane theory, as the flags were always attached to the standards of orc regiments in the United Kingdom of North East Wessex and Southern Mercia; under the well known charter of King Egnog the Shortsighted. Possibly orcs fleeing after the Battle of the Seven Armies attached their standards to the antlers as a ruse to confuse the enemy. History thus explains everything.

Socialist Revolution[edit]

It is a well known fact that in the mid-1960s (several years before Slough's creation) Che Gervais staged a revolution in Slough and overthrew the mayor. This has been disputed as it might have been made up by Wikipedia. Unfortunately, Slough was a shithole then, and has remained one to this day. This was unnoticed by the Soviet Embassy as they had already mapped out all of Britain. Slough was left out so the Soviet agents could prank the BBC. The BBC was and is made to think Keith Allen is funny.

If you want to know what hell is like, visit Slough. Or alternatively ask Pris.

Slough is totally contained within the fourth largest Tesco store in the UK.

Destruction[edit]

"Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough! It isn't fit for humans now" ~ John Betjeman

The British Government took note of this critique and bombed Slough back to the stone age in 1987, only for it to be built again two weeks later completly inside a Tesco Extra store by a group of immigrants.

Slough Today[edit]

In 1974, Slough was banished from Buckinghamshire, and, out of pity, given to the shitty neighbouring county of Berkshire. Thankfully, after 35 years, Berkshire has embraced the town, for reasons still unknown.

On any given day in Slough, a window has been smashed, an Oxfam burgled, a chav grunted and a McDonalds looted. In fact, Slough is *so* shit, that towns invent names to make themselves look like they aren't in Slough (ie Windsor). The adjoining village of Langley (yet to be able to name one 16 year old virgin amongst their own) also followed the strategy of jolly old Windsor by disassociating itself from Slough to protect the reputation of its cosmopolitan eateries, its refined drinking establishments and the only 6* accredited pub in the UK - the Merrymakers.

Famous people from Slough[edit]

  • Pris, the fake Brazilian internet troll
  • William Herschel, the feared tax collector
  • Gin Lady, the famous Indian/English/Yiddish musician)
  • Mustapha Wank, onanist
  • Miron Yanovich Fyodorov aka Oxxxymiron, popular Russian rapper.

The Average Sloughian[edit]

“Slough really is the melting pot of the modern society...a great example of a place where differing people of varying creeds can come together and create a city worthy of The Office.”

~ David Cameron, talking about the city he has such fond memories of from his Eton days

Slough really is the most diverse city in Britain, the only place I know where a "Polski Slep", a "Muzzy's Kebab" and a Chipper can co-exist on the same dingy backstreet. The mass influx of immigrants from Eastern Europe, the Indian sub-continent , and the Arathi Highlands should have sparked gang wars, knife attacks and racism, but instead Slough has become one of the finest cities in the UK with lovely houses available in the just as lovely Britwell Estate, famous for its kind, generous people and its expensive houses, rivalling nearby Manor Park when it comes to lucrative properties. Many have commented that the way to tell how upmarket a city is is to look at the shops on the high streets. Slough, with its extensive Poundland chain supplying the city, and The Famous Primark, or "Primani", renting out clothes to the needy, leads the way for other settlements. Compared to Windsor, the shitty village attached to Slough, which only has the "chavvy" and "common" Zara, Topshop, and H&M, and the second-rate Marks and Sparks. The Sloughian would frown upon such establishments, and remains firmly loyal to his roots. The local British National Party council has adapted Slough well to The Credit Crunch, a recently released epic thriller starring Tom Cruise which has caused recession around Eastern Langley, by making the local Empire cinemas a nationally-run company , and dropping the prices to 50p on every ticket so that the whole population of Slough can go and be entertained by a bullshit film in which Scientology kills off an evil alien race known as the Iranians, and is much lauded by everyone.

I lived in this shithole, moved out in 2007, and never looked back. Even now I’m embarrassed to say I lived there. I see they're trying to do the town up - move roads about, et cetera... Well there’s an old saying - "you cannot polish a turd".

See also[edit]