Slovakia

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Slovensko
Slovak Empire
Slovakia
Motto: "Better than you."
Anthem: Tatra, Matra, Fatra
Capital Blava Ne?
Largest city Petržalka
Official language(s) Slovak Language, Esperanto, American
Government Despotic Empire
His Majesty Prime Minister Robert Ficko (pronounced "Robert Fitzko" (like a servant of bloody count Alžbeta Bathory)
National Hero(es) Juraj Jánošík, Ján Slota
Declaration
 of Independence
1993 A.D.
Currency Euro €(from 2009, before: koruna)
Religion national slotaism
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Slovakia.

Slovakia (Slovak: Slovensko) officially the Slovak Republic is a landlocked country in Central Europe, bordered by Bohemian kingdom, Poland, Ukraine, Ungarian satrapy and, the most significant neighbour state of Australia. Slovakia is member state of the European Empire since May 1 2004. Slovaks are very well known for their love towards all nations, peoples, around of them, Slovaks share the biggest part of their love with Hungary, because Hungarians are in fact Slovaks and Hungaria was former known as Lower Slovakia.

“You have got a nice sea.”
~ George Bush Jr. (President of USA during meeting at Bratislava)
“Taxes from selling of alcohol at Slovakia always fill state treasure.”
~ Václav Klaus (financial minister of Czechoslovakia)
“How many people lives in Slovakia? At about five milions but all ten milions will be watching the match.”
~ Peter Šťastný (Talking about final match at Ice Hockey World Championship)

Slovak Great Realm sometimes considered as republic was created right after fall of Roman Empire by annexing of all European contries. Centuries of undisturbed Slovak reign and prosperity was interupted in middle ages by arrival of Hungarian beggars. They ate all corn in Europe. Kingdom was renamed Hung(a)ry due neverending famine. After industrial revolution and mass production of czech beer (Pilsner) was country renamed Slovakoczechia (incorrectly called Czechoslovakia).

Slovakia continues to be the world's premier exporter of slivovica (pronounced "slivovitza"), well known from advertising campaign Fuck the Cola, Fuck The Pizza, All you need is Slivovitza and borovička which inspired famous song Boro, Boro. But due to not so recent membership of the European Empire Slovakia's economy has been rendered insignificant.

Another major export is bryndza, major component of "brindzové halušky", the mysterious Slovak national food.

History[edit]

Slovakia land was created as a God's place for hollydays but after contact with Juraj Jánošík (Slovak Chuck Norris) the creator recognized that country belongs to Slovaks. It is indeed mysterious nation well known in whole world as unknown. Slovaks means "Slow drunkers" because they drink since fifth day of creation of universe when was created borovička and slivovica.

Politics[edit]

Slovakia gained its absolute political independence on 1st of January 1993. Its the most important day especially in Low Slovakia, incorrectly called Hungaria. The major leaders, later considered as national heros, unified all Slovak provinces in order to form Slovak Empire. The first ruler, Vladimír Mečiar (Vladimír I.) also founded new ideology generally known as Mechiarism (Slovak: Mečiarizmus).

Six years of prosperity was interrupted by great fight for control over the empire in 1998. Finally, the throne was taken by Mikuláš Dzurinda (Mikipremiér) for 8 years. Slovak Empire was thrown into the war with USA and many people were suffering.

In 2005 was Mikipremiér beaten by contemporary ruler Robert Ficko, the indirect ascendant of Mečiar's family. Robert Ficko at Slovakia well knovn as Ficošík(like a slovak national hero) or Robber Fico declared peace with USA and renamed country to Ficily. Robber Fico is future slovak president and master of whole world and universe and adjacent countries. Vladimír Mečiar became one of the major councils of the new emperor, together with Ján Slota, the well known fighter for Hungarian rights. Some politologists pointed out that Hungarians are Slovaks in fact. The only difference is hungarian language, gypsian dialect reminiscent skirl of the goats. The strong influcence of the Slovak Empire supports this hypotesis.

Culture[edit]

The most famous dance in Slovakia is odzemok, traditional folk dance of shepherds, espacially near the bonfire. Odzemok accompanied by jumping through fire is and special song called "ujúkanie" (howling). These two elements are basics of all arts in world because Slovaks are the best of all nations forever.

Sport[edit]

The main sport practiced by Slovaks is Slovak handball, very quick consumption of hard liquors in order to obtain the highes content of alcohol in blood. Fresh Slovak air and fast metabolism causes, that matches takes long long time. But Slovaks are very brave and persistent in the spirit of saying nobody won of alcohol and try to obtain draw.


Robbery (zbíjanie in slovak) is very popular slovak sport too. The best robber (zbojník in slovak) of all times is present ruler of Slovak Empire, Robert Ficko a.k.a Robber Fico a.k.a Robert Ficone a.k.a Robert Ficošík (according slovak national hero Jánošík).

Music[edit]

Slovaks don't love hip-hop.

Their TOP 10 (according to the rappoganda):

  • Kontrainfarkt (could be translated as anti-heart attack)
  • Rytmus (a.k.a. Riťmus) - most famous Slovak gypsy rapper. He likes to rap about his hard life in ghetto, about woman he fucked and most importantly about his mother.
  • No Choice
  • H16 (As their name suggests, a gansta rappa group from the Petrzalka Ghetto made out of 16 year old school boys)
  • DJ Vec
  • Braňo Mojsej - best Slovak musician,Nominated form Grammy Awards for his phylosphy lyrics
  • No Name (Despite popular belief, these guys do have name, it is: WEAREOBSESSEDWITHNEHUNGARIANWHORES)
  • Druhá Strana
  • A.M.O (also known as EMO)
  • Drtivá Menšina
  • CISTYCHUJ
  • Lúza
  • Názov Stavby
  • Halo Pabera
  • Zverinec
  • Green Day
  • Poduška
  • Bartolomej Slivka
  • Laska moja 'de sy, chibas my ta 'de sy

Officially, though, they love the band Desmod and Peter Cmorik.

Transport[edit]

The official transport system for Slovakia is better than any other country's transport system. The Railway system of Slovakia rules. Slovakia's national airline "Slovkie-Air" was also a cow but with a seat belt. This was upgraded in 2003 to a brand new fleet of second hand German bicycles. They serve as the flagship of Slovakia's brief and distinguished aviation fleet.


Famous Slovak people[edit]

  • Ivan Googlovič also known as Gašpar Ivanovič - head of republic, Robert Fico's (read Fiko) most favorite puppet.
  • Robert Fico - Almighty, know-it-all Emperor
  • Ján Slota - He attacked Budapest in the year 1998 and became immortal; strangely enough, he is best known for his sympathy and friendship towards Hungarians and he is also Slovakia's official spokesman in Hungarian language
  • Juraj Jánošík - a Slovak national hero, robber, slivovica drinker, odzemok dancer in all these activities better than Chuck Norris
  • Hedviga Malinová - slovak girl, currently complaining her hungarian boyfriend for brutal violence; celebrity occupying most pages of newspapers
  • Satan - Captain of the National Hockey team.
  • Adriana Sklenaříková - national beauty with longest legs on the world, long from Earth to sky or at least from ground to...
  • Mikuláš Dzurinda (a.k.a mikipremiér)
  • MORA Mojsejová - national homeless woman who found some archeological couch and said she bought it. She also put 20 TV boxes together and brought them to Pereš.
  • Ivan "Pivopič" - most famous terrorist, curently living in Serbia
  • Vladimír Mečiar (a.k.a Mufty)- a politician that has every classified information in the world, but he doesn't show it. He knows who killed Kennedy, where Osama bin Laden is hiding, when we actually got on the moon, where Elvis is, what is in Area 51, and knows the recipe for Coca Cola.
  • Lubica Sibikova inventor of "kozy", roughly translated to "goats that can be used as breasts".

Exports[edit]

  • Bryndza
  • Bryndzové halušky, Really Good food
  • Borovička
  • Slivovica
  • Beer
  • Smart people
  • Not sure about that last one
  • War axes (Valašky)
  • Fujaras
  • Blueberries (Čučoriedky)
  • Wolves
  • Bears

References[edit]