Smarch

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“Lousy Smarch weather!”
~ Homer Simpson on Smarch

Smarch is the second longest month of the year, after February. It is best known for its oppressive heat and humidity in the Southern Hemisphere and cold heavy precipitation in the Northern Hemisphere. Smarch has six distinct weeks:

Monsweek, Tuesweek, Humpsweek, Thurseweek, Friweek, and Endsweek.

Each Smarch week has seven days except for Endsweek, which is twice as long as the other weeks. Traditionally, Smarch is a period of uninterrupted labour for its first five weeks. The last week, Endsweek, is usually reserved for fourteen days of lunch.

Smarch History[edit]

Originally, Smarch had seven weeks and ending with Satweek and Sunweek. Eventually these two weeks merged into what is now known as Endsweek. Smarch is believed to be the creation of the mutated remnants of a post-apocalyptic humanity. Studies have shown Smarch is accompanied by increased rates of workplace accidents and employee violence. Many historians also hold a superstition that Smarch is an auspicious time for revolution and civil conflict.

Smarch Smadness[edit]

Most people do not enjoy the month of Smarch. In fact, it is almost universally despised, at least during the seven days of Humpsweek. Some social reformers have suggested that there be some form of hiatus or days of rest before Endsweek, but many social conservatives claim this undermines the very meaning and tradition of Smarch. The general belief is that you're not supposed to like Smarch, you're supposed to stoically endure it and celebrate that it's over. Monsweek marks the beginning of several weeks of heightened anxiety and stress. Many people find their minds warped into delirium each year, but most find an outlet for their frustration such as violent sporting events. One prominent Smarch sporting event is the annual college cricket tournament known as Smarch Smadness. That tournament is not to be confused with the annual Simpsons battle tournament of the same name, which actually occurs in August. It is popular for workers to organize pools to bet on which crickets and cricket squads will survive the grueling two week battle. In the golden lands of the western planes, Smarch Smadness tournaments are played using a rules variant involving swine specially bred for enormous proportions.

Smarch Holidays[edit]

A proud parent and child participating in RYGNSCWD.

One recently created Smarch holiday is "Ride Your Giant Non-Sentient Child to Work Day." It is believed this holiday promotes stronger work ethics and family values by encouraging parents to proudly ride whatever animalistic mutant offspring they might have as a mount for locomotion.