Smooth Herman

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“LOL, I know HOW smooth!”

If one looks at the fame of Rita "The Landing-Pad" McNeil, Gordie "I'm Big in Nashville" Sampson, and other nonconformist figures from the entertainment business, one must undoubtedly recognise the role played by Smooth Herman.


Born in 1867 to Irish parents Heather Alexander Herman and Pee-Wee Herman, Smooth Herman attended the well-known "School of annoying Comebacks", owned and operated by his very own father. Not being one to settle for simple comebacks, Smooth invented his own brand of unique, yet oddly soothing verbal trashtalking, which soon became known as "Verbal Kung Fu". Smooth was soon made famous for his new art, spreading it all across Ireland. In strict Irish cultural adhereance, the teenaged Herman coupled his new style of verbal harassment with many varying forms of alcoholic beverages. Soon, his new art became even more popular, after the discovery that alcohol makes one much more skillful at talking trash. Upon the timely death of his father after he was caught making love to his right hand in a tavern, the young Herman decided to leave Ireland for good. Throwing himself in a large, ACME-sized whiskey bottle, Smooth Herman made his way across the Atlantic.

Rise to Fame[edit]

After realizing that he could live forever on laughter, Smooth decided it was time to throw off his Irish destiny and ancestory, and get a job. The great, ageless Herman was not content simply working as a telemarketer (an occupation which allowed him to practice his verbal skills), he decided, in 1990, to conquer the biggest challenge around: showbiz.

After only a single audition with Phil LaMaar, smooth Herman was made the official Mascot of Mad TV. With minimal work and only a few appearances on the show, while doing other promotions, such as advertisements for "Taint Cola", he was famous, once more, and rich. He received royalities from the show, as well as whenever anybody said "taint" and "cola" in the same sentence. Eventually, the ageless Herman got bored, and decided to take America by storm with not only verbal violence, but also pranks.

Soggy Chip Prank[edit]

One of the funniest pranks he created was the classic "soggy chip prank", in which Herman would purchase a bag of Ringolo's or similar edible potato chip. Then, he would open the bag, fill it halfway with water, or any similar liquid, and proceed to go around, kindly offering the finished product to unsuspecting civilians. One would reach their hand in the shadowy bag, expecting a chip. In turn, they only received a handful of sticky goo.

Unfortunately, Bill Clinton, president of the United States, could not take a joke, and decided to publicly outlaw Smooth Herman. No longer welcome in the United States, Herman once again jumped inside his oversized Whiskey bottle, and intended to sail back to Ireland. Unfortunately, due to his intoxicated state and age, he miscalculated his trip to Ireland and accidentally landed in Nova Scotia, on Cape Breton island. It was there that Herman found his true calling: he opened a cabaret, known as Smooth Herman's, in Sydney, Nova Scotia.

Sadly, declining cabaret attendance caused Herman to go into a deep depression from which he never recovered. He died in 2010.

See also[edit]