Smurf-Snork Wars

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Smurf-Snork Wars
Part of The Battle for Mankind
Smurf meeting.jpg
Papa Smurf gathers his army together, to dicuss his plan for the bringing about of Smurfaggedon.
Date 2673 (Smurf time)
Location Earth
Result Unknown
Causes Papa Smurf's desire for power.
Papa Smurf's Army James Chuck Norris Elmo El Paso Burger King Bender Bending Gonzales
Papa Smurf James Chuck Norris Elmo El Paso Burger King Bender Bending Gonzales
25,000,000 Hannah Montana Zombie-Fans; 300,000 Smurfs 2 (if you count his Gnome Mage)
Unknown Unknown

The Great Smurf Wars, also known as the Smurf-Snork Wars, are a prophesied series of wars foretold by the Norse. The prophesy has been written many different ways, but Alien Conspiracy Theorists have managed to compile a fairly "official" version, based on common facts given from each telling.

The official Alien Conspiracist Theorist version follows the below pattern:

The Beginning[edit]

The Smurf Wars will begin in 2673 Smurf Time. Seeing as the Smurfian calendar has never been figured out by scientists, this could mean 2009, or 4564. We'll never no for sure until it occurs, of course. Anyhow, the prophesies tell that sometime before the war, Papa Smurf will amass a giant army of Smurfs. Looking for more soldiers, as all Smurfs are homosexual and cannot create offspring, he will turn to the witch named Hannah Montana to bolster his forces with her mindless zombie-fan hordes. Hannah and Papa Smurf will choose an undersea volcano, somewhere in the Ring of Fire, to act as their base of operations. The volcano will turn out to house a mighty, all-powerful artifact... Michael Jackson's first nose. Deep within the volcano, it will lay in a giant adamantine safe, soon to be surrounded by Smurf guards. Papa Smurf will then formulate a plan: He would use the Nose to summon Sargon II back from the dead, then pull some strings with Wow Wow Wubzy's East Coast Mafia operation, and Russia. Meanwhile, Hannah Montana would put a curse on Cookie Monster, making him an all-powerful demon beyond mortal comprehension and loyal servant to all Montana-dom. Yet another curse will then be placed on Sarah Palin, so that upon her most idiotic political move, Alaska will melt. Thus will the course of events to follow be set by the evil Papa Smurf.

The War[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Great Smurf-Snork Wars.

The year will be 2673 Smurf Time. Russia will be in the palm of Papa Smurf's hand, same with Wow Wow Wubzy. Sarah Palin will be the trigger. She will resign from the office of governor, while saying she's going to run for vice president next year. Alaska will then explode, allowing Russia to nuke Canada, as Alaska's homosexuality prevented it from doing so beforehand. Canada will become a horrible war-torn wasteland near extinction, and will turn to the only salvation there will be to have... the almighty Cookie Monster. Every Canadian will sell their soul to Cookie Monster, in exchange for godhood. Now owning their souls, he will be able to turn them all into chocolate chip cookies. Cookie Monster will then order his Canadian cookies to fly into the sun, disturbing the Sun's gravitational pull on Earth, raising the temperature. The seas will boil, and mix with blood from Michael Jackson's nose, allowing Papa Smurf to summon back Sargon II of Assyria. Sargon will then conquer the U.S. with the aid of Wow Wow Wubzy's Mafia operation. Though a loyal servant of Papa Smurf, Sargon will develop his own plans, however, and become the U.S.'s first hip-hop gangsta president, converted to the religion by Wubzy. This all will play into Papa Smurf's plan, however, as Russia will be angered by this, and nuke the U.S., triggering an unforeseen scientific phenomenon... NUCLEAR SUMMER!!! Everyone will melt into puddles, except for Papa Smurf and Cookie Monster, who are immortal. Thus will the world end...


The prophesy hints at the possibility of salvation though. If we as a united human race all become Alien Conspiracy Theorists, and truly believe in the occult and aliens and this prophesy, then Papa Smurf will have lost the element of surprise. If we fail in this though, there is another hope, in a 300-pound, lazy, fat, 15-year-old World of Warcraft addict named James Chuck Norris Elmo El Paso Burger King Bender Bending Gonzales. If told of the role he must play, he will find and travel to the volcano, cause the Smurf army laugh to death over his nerdiness, and take back the Nose of Michael Jackson, which gave Papa Smurf his power(s). He must then travel to Neverland Ranch and place the Nose on an adamantine pedestal in the secret closet in the secret closet in Michael Jackson's former bedroom. If placed on the night the full moon comes to be, the Nose will destroy all evil in the world that is blue and named Papa Smurf. This all must, of course, take place before Christmas '09, when Hannah Montana will fake her death in order to claim later that she resurrected, thus making her fans follow her all the more fervently. This will also allow her to avoid the publicity given to her by tweens and five-year-olds with too much allowance money.

The Lost Book of Smurf[edit]

There is rumored to be one last, lost book of the prophesy, which most sensible Alien Conspiracy Theorists (ACT's) agree is in Papa Smurf's possession, of which no details other than its existence are known. This lost book most definitely holds some importance, though ACT's are at a loss as to what it might entail, as the part of the prophesy on salvation comes before it. ACT's call for a multi-billion dollar CIA project to find the book, which may hold the key to survival of the Smurf Wars, or prevention of them. Papa Smurf has made no public reference to them, so ACT's have begun to hypothesize that it contains either instructions on how to bring about the Smurf Wars for the man who will, salvage their bringing about if the Prophesy of Salvation is fulfilled, or perhaps even build a last-ditch super-weapon in the case it is needed. ACT's are keeping the world updated on their research on the book, though as of the moment, little has been uncovered.