Soccer
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| Whoops-a-fucking-daisy, <insert name here>! It's pretty bloody obvious to the civilised section of our shared globe that you were looking for Football you Yankee-doodle-dimwit |
“You kick balls in soccer.”
“You kick bollocks in soccer.”
Soccer is not really a sport... It's more like a hobby for eight year olds and their MOMMY to enjoy together. Soccer requires a great deal of skills, including: ability to run around in huge circles waving your arms as if you were an airplane when you score, start to cry on the go when you lose, and the capability to lose brain cells consistently from balls to the head.
Soccer was said to have been invented by the Chinese in the year 1748 B-C. According to primitive theories, it was intended as a form of Torture, by kicking solid balls in the face of unruly children. But it has quickly evolved to be used in the hopes that fans would kill each other over the results. But here we are, 750 years later, and all that China has to show for it is cute little girls who can't sing (That's true).
Though a ball is used in soccer, the soccer players do have their own balls[1]; if they didn't have balls, they'd be playing football which has no manliness, and four times the homo eroticism, a little girly game where they prance around the pitch in dainty tutus and knee-socks, drinking fancy teas and knitting doilies for their mums.
In soccer the aim of the game is to fall over more often than your opponent. If touched by any other soccer player, you should immediately dive on the ground in hope to gain a free kick (whereby the offending play is kicked in the nuts). The more ridiculous and unbelievable the display, the more kicks are awarded. As you can see here the player is being struck in the face. A reasonable course of action would then be to fall over holding your leg.
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[edit] History
[edit] Early History
Soccer was invented by some early mammals shortly after the extinction of dinosaurs. Their brains were each roughly the size of a peanut, and their attention spans were about as advanced as cottage cheese. It was an amazing feat of luck that these creatures were able to invent the sport we now call soccer. Legend has it that these creatures originated in China. Therefore, we can safely assert that the Chinese invented football (based on their ancient game of kicking around a beheaded hooligan) because communists lay claim to every invention.
One of these early mammals was rubbish at soccer and was consequently placed as a defender (a position that nobody likes.) This mammal was always losing his players, so he cracked the shits and invented offside to prevent this from ever happening again. It worked and that defender was never scored upon again.
Even in the early days of soccer, Italians weren't allowed to play because it was a well known fact that they cheat, but somehow got to play in the last cup of worlds, not the world cup.
[edit] Recent years
Bongo! was a very unpopular game, until several Bongo! players decided the name of the sport might be what was turning people off. Soccer sounded like a very violent name. However, Benjamin Franklin had already used the name for his very popular sport of Soccer. Therefore, the Bongo! players did the only thing they could - they armed themselves with shotguns and brutally massacred all the Soccer players and blamed it on someone else. 666 Soccer players were killed, leaving none left. Then the Bongo! players took over, renaming their sport Soccer. It still sucked.
Another similarly violent game which took place between the Solomon Islands and Sandwich Islands, resulting in 17 deaths, was recently replayed in the neutral location of Liechtenstein. All the people who died there haunt the island and kill people while they are sleeping.
The first game was in Greenland with Mexicans and Viking people.
Ashley Clahsen is the best soccer player in the world. Unfortunately her brother, Grant, has no skill.
[edit] International Teams
Almost every country has an international soccer team. Except Tonga, which has been banned from every league for playing with coconuts.
- The German National Football Team is one of the best teams in the world as they just somehow dominates the European soil, although their performance is somewhat like a BMW. Below is their recent football jersey product launch in collaboration with Apple and Microsoft. This way they get their fans to purchase the sponsors' products too.
[edit] Rules
The ball is a mere decoy to the real object of the game. The purpose of the round object is to trick the referee into looking straight at the ball rather than at what the players are doing, and to fool the referee into believing that you are, in fact being beaten to death by the opposing team. This is very effective as most games are decided by "fouls" that are given after a player (often the prettiest and poofiest in the team) dives to the ground after minimal or no contact from the opposition player. Bonus points are awarded for nutshots that result in involuntary bowel movement and sterilization. The most famous actor in modern soccer games is Cristiano Ronaldo (Manchester the Best), linked with Real Madrid the acting club. This soccer game must have all religion like jews, catholic and christons "GOT IT MOTHER FUCKER"!
[edit] English Hooligans
The root of the word "Hooligan" is Indian and means "PISS OUT MY ASS!!!!!" The original Hooligans followers of the female god Brendon were notorious outlaws in late 1700s India.
In the early 1800s, due to a lack of Tigers to be shot, the British turned their attention to eradicating Hooligans, which they did with some success. With the downfall of the British Empire the cult of the Hooligan came to England with returning service men. It lay dormant for many years only spoken of in secret. Until the late 20th century and the deification of soccer. This coupled the skill of kicking a ball for sport by 22 men; with the skill of kicking the shit out anyone who was not wearing the same colour shirt as you.
[edit] Ways to identify an England fan include
- A flag remarkably similar to that of Denmark will be painted and or/worn all over their body.
- They have a primitive form of language which you must listen for:
Their call sign to attract other England hooligans is a repeated chant of En-ger-land, En-ger-land (pronounced ing-ger-lund). Typical attack signs are: "Your going home in a <insert place name here> ambulance" - which is a little odd because typically you go to HOSPITAL in an ambulance. "i'm going to break your bar up you french frog eating bastard". All patriotic England fans still regard WW2 as an ongoing conflict, and all Germans as the enemy. Racist German specific war cries are "2 World Wars and 1 World Cup, doo dah, doo dah" or "my grandad shot your grandad, doo dah, doo dah".
A more historically accurate version of "2 World Wars and 1 World Cup, doo dah, doo dah" would be "2 World Wars as part of international allied forces that took 6 years to defeat a small country and one world cup (compared to your three) won at home thanks to a dodgy linesman in extra time doo dah, doo dah."
All England fans should be treated in the same way as a large bear; try not to attract its attention and slowly walk away. Do not feed it under any circumstances.
English fans look nothing like these Brazilian Fans.
[edit] Ways to identify a Scotland fan
- Whether the tournament is in Zanzibar, the Galapagos or the Gaza Strip, there'll be about 600,000 of them (every time the journey is spoken of, an extra 100,000 will be added to this number), all pissed, confident of victory (victory = doing better than England) and wearing ginger wigs and kilts. Unfortunately, by the time they arrive the team will already be on their way back to lalala land. With no national team to distract them, Celtic and Rangers fans will resume killing each other ("die yer Feinian bastard!").
Or, more often:
- They'll be at home watching it on the telly or in pub cheering on whoever England are playing ("come orn ya wee Peluvian bastards, kill the wee English bastards!").
[edit] Ways to identify an American fan
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[edit] Futbol/Futebol/Socquer/Balompie
Futbol/Futebol/Socquer/Balompie are the Latin American terms for football. Latin America is big on this sport, hence its an alternative from selling crack to make quick cash in life if you are born poor. Also, if you're a Portuguese or a Spanish speaking and do not like soccer, you will be publicly executed in a town square via firing squad. Some of this events led to the soccer revolt of 1967.894. Also we have evidence of a war between Latin American states Honduras and El Salvador where the casus belli was a simple futbol match. Facts don't lie, futbol is a very dangerous game in that part of the world, since it became legal to carry guns.
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using the thumb attribute and a caption:
Some of the greatest soccer players of all time have come from here, like Jesu' Cristo do Brasil, tu vieja, and the greatest player recognized by most institutions Drug-o Maradona. In Latin America, 95% of all soccer matches end in a riot. In fact sportscasters measure the fan support by the number of people who died of stabbings, shootings, or through means of firecrackers in the genitals, when in other places they measure it by attendance.
There are rules to difference football from Futebol/Futbol:
- By the end of the match, there must be a ratio of 1 riot police to 3 fans.
- Tear Gas must be abundant.
- Portable Bathrooms must be burned.
- The referee must be bought.
- Firecrackers must be exploded in the genitals of fans from the other team.
[edit] Other Types of Foccer
- It should be noted that it is only referred to as "soccer" in English-speaking countries located in the Western Hemisphere, North of the equator, aside from Canada. In all other parts of the world, it is "Metric Football".
In keeping with the egalitarian spirit in these countries, there are other types of football.
- Canadian Football, 10 yards larger than American football, creates mass confusion among newspaper editors with their strange penchant for measuring everything as being "x football fields" in length.
- Australian Football, where everybody uses everything to do anything they think looks a bit tough.
- Foosball, where the players are held in place by spinning shish kebabs, thereby minimizing interpersonal contact that could be misconstrued (see Rugby).
- Rugby, where they play football(American) with no pads. You get to feel up other, hairier men in this sport due to the cross proximity and gay sex positions you find yourself in, in a so called "scrum". Consequently only a handful of the more gay countries in the world have ever heard of it. The French love it.
- Korean Soccer, thought to be a primitive form of the religion Communism.
- Gaelic Football, better known as Bogball
- Real football. Commonly known as invented by English, it was really developed by the Spartans who played with the skulls of their fallen enemies, similar to dodgeball's humble beginning's, minus the opium. Current polls show that 12 out of 4 citizens of the Milky-Way galaxy believe that this is the only form of 'Football' played by anything of a heterosexual orientation; the fudge-packing proponents of the other variants, however, believe that certain mathematical errors render this point moot.
- American Football. Painfully dull game played by Americans. Each game takes 4.5 days to complete due to TV breaks occuring each time the ball completes one rotation. The phrase "we'll be right back after these messages" is now the most common phrase spoken on TV worldwide. The phrase was first said during the World's first live broadcast of American Football in May 2003. American Footballers are typically failed Rugby Players who found the game of 'Rugger' to be far too intimidating. Some American Footballers have a penchant for driving a car VERY slowly after not killing their wife and her lover; They often have very large hands that no glove could ever fit.
Steps to playing American football: Step 1: Kick the ball to a team-mate, it is then declared a 'touchdown' (touchdown in American football is not to be confused with the sexual position with the same name) Step 2: The opposing team repeats step 1. Repeat from step 1
- Sword Soccer. Sword Soccer involves all of the same rules as regular soccer, with the notable exception that every player is allowed a sword with which they may do as they please. Notable stratagems of sword soccer include, but are not limited to: impaling, eviscerating, decapitating, and dribbling.
[edit] Leagues
- Tippeligaen, Norwegian soccer league. Most famous for the team Vål'enga, who's supporters spend 99 % of their time complaining about how much wealthier the fans of the team Lyn are. The last percent is used to drink, going to the toilet and shopping at the store called Fretex.
- Allsvenskan, Sweden soccer league. Since Sweden is a neutral country that doesn't like war or people getting angry, all physical contact is prohibited in Swedish soccer. All the games takes place in an arena called Riksdagen where the 349 players from seven different teams gather for long drawn-out matches. Swedish soccer players are imfamous for their tendencies to hire maids paid for with untaxed money, but also for different degrees candy stealing.
- European Hooligan Championship, held 2008 in Austria und Switzerland
- French League 1, France soccer league: no goals, no beautiful game. bought €600M by canal+ a french pay channel to see Troyes vs Valenciennes or Rennes vs Le Mans...
- Leverkusen League, with an one team and it finish in second place.
- Der Danske Sas Coca Cola IKEA swedish volvo lego fotball league for fat ass this is the name of the danish fotball league which is a we love commersial league there everbody sells their body for 25cent or at least 10 eurocent, and this league realy suck, The only good team is Lego FC who build new players every season.
that must have hert
[edit] Footnotes
[edit] Players
- Brazilians
- Drew Banfield
- Amadou Konte
- Lionel Messi
- Pele
- Zidane the Punisher
- Patrick Amba-Skibow
- David Beckham
[edit] Things to avoid
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[edit] Things not to avoid
 NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!The image you are looking at may not be work safe! If a boss or coworker saw this image, claim that it was spam and blame the IT guys. Otherwise, continue to read it until your lewd urges are satisfied. |
 Probably the world's best soccer team. |
 ...and something for afterwards. |
