Sock demon

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The demon Soccus Diaboli, known to inhabit clothes dryers and washers. His followers horde odd socks for an annual event called, The Evil Mass of the Sock Pyre.


Socks. Everybody has socks. More specifically, everybody has lots of lone halves of pairs of socks. What happens to all the missing socks? It's one of the mysteries of the universe, actually. Right up there with who-made-Earth and what's-in-a-can-of-cheese-whiz.

Well, I don't really know. But! Our team of researchers have been working around the clock, a phrase which here means "whenever they can't come up with a good excuse not to, to come up with a good theory on the socks. They have used a tried and true method, known as "when in doubt, blame the devil".

Sock demons! Sock demons sneak into your house through unblocked electrical outlets and steal your socks. You may have noticed that the sock demons are picky about which socks they take. They never, for instance, take the old smelly socks that Aunt Ruth gave you for Christmas. It's always the nice socks, the ones that cost ten dollars, the ones that have polka dots on them, in essence, the ones you like.

If you are even slightly sane (which you probably aren't, I know I'm not) you will most likely be wondering something along the lines of "What the hell are they doing with the socks?" or "How did you know what my Aunt Ruth gave me?" or maybe even "What's on TV?". I can't answer the last two, but as far as the socks go, they steal them to build a castle for the Sock Satan.

Here is where the relative smartness of the sock demons comes into play. They are smart enough to get into your house in a 45-minute-period without you noticing, but they aren't smart enough to take more valuable items, as opposed to just socks. They can take your socks without leaving any trace behind(other than the missing sock), but they are moronic enough to build a castle out of socks. Yep, you read right. Castle. Made of socks. Sock demons, apparently, take construction cues from the Three Little Pigs.


Sock demons first became a plague in 1974, when the leaders of the world just decided that they would stop taking steps against them, as they were "imaginary". The demons, instead of simply asking people for their socks, as they had before, took this in a bad way. As a side note, nobody born before 1974 has ever complained about missing socks. The sock demons sued the leaders of the world for oppressing the minorites, at which point Edward Cullen descended from the heavens to smite down the leaders of the world. However, he missed, only hitting two of them, John Lennon and George Harrison. The world mourned their loss, but not the sock demons because they had some pretty interesting socks. Like on Abbey Road. The demons proceeded to get into houses via the chimney, but they kept being mistaken for Santa Claus, so they quickly abandoned that.

They figured electrical outlets were small and insignificant enough to never be suspected as an entrance to a house, and besides nobody ever puts in those fake plugs to keep little kids from jamming forks in there anyways. So from about 1975 on, they have plagued our houses and socks. To make a castle. You really would've thought someone would just give them some bricks and paint and make them go away. Huh. Figures.

Sock Satan[edit]

The Sock Satan is currently living in the brain, heart, and pancreas of a once-influential human being. Once-influential, that is, before the Sock Satan made such a fuss over the name. That's right, you guessed it. The artist formerly known as Symbol, formerly known as character, commonly known as ridiculous unshaven dwarf in gay hotpants. Who of course was formerly known as Sock Satan, ruler and overlord of the sock demons. He may change his shape again in the future, but don't worry! There is a way to tell for sure who he really is. He will always have purple semen, as a punishment for a "King Midas" type incident involving grape juice. Don't ask. Just ... it's better not knowing.


Most sock demons work at Decathlon, however, there are some who are not allowed this privelege. These unlucky demons have, in some way, pissed off Sock Satan. They are forced to work at McDonalds, Starbucks, or Dunkin' Donuts. But never Burger King. Burger King is run by lap dogs in zitty-teenager costumes.


One of sock demons' many adaptations to the world is being able to survive just about anywhere. Despite this, the large amount of buereocrats, hippies, and bitter ex-husbands in New England has mostly chased them out of this area. They plan to relocate to either the West Coast or Lithuania. Whichever has more socks.

Mating Habits[edit]

The sock demon is an interesting species. There is no discernable difference between male and female. Many sock demons overcome this by deciding on a gender early in life, and then wearing a sign that says "I am a guy/girl" until everyone they know has memorized it. As no one can tell the difference naturally, this presents some problems to the question of reproduction. The best way anyone has found so far is to get a large amount of demons together, put them in a large bag made out of XXL men's polyester pants, and shake vigorously. Somehow, it works. I don't know why. I'm not one of them.