Soma
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Soma is the magic potion Indians used to discover general relativity, uncertainty, build space stations, climb Mt. Everest, bomb Libya, Start WW II, discover LSD and generally get retarded once in a while. The wily invaders from wretched Mongolia knew this and they'd thus invade India only when the Indians were generally getting retarded once in a while. Having thus invaded, they'd become insiders, get high on soma and fall prey to yet another band of invaders lurking on the horizon who wished to invade India only when the Indians were generally getting retarded once in a while.
Contents |
[edit] History
Indian Vedic thought suffered a huge blow after the Indians forgot the formula of Soma and got retarded. The ancient Iranians copied the secret formula from the Vedic Indians and renamed it Haoma. However, being in a hurry, they accidentally added more ephedrine, or speed, to it and eventually ended up in Sony's factories in Japan as hyperactive automatons (where they thrive even today).
[edit] Effects
The precise effect of Soma on the human brain is briefly recorded in Chapter V, Canto XI, Verse (iii) of the holy Indian scripture, The Baghdad Gita. It narrates the journey of two disciples wanting to attain Nirvana. They travel to the Himalayan peaks for a prolonged session of meditation after imbibing sufficient soma to last them the whole journey. In Sir Walter Buckingham's English translation of The Baghdad Gita, the episode is recorded as thus:
PROLOGUE - Two disciples, A and B, having tanked themselves with unlimited soma, travel to the top of the Himalayas, and commence meditating in silence for several years to attain Nirvana.
LIFE EXPERIENCE - A and B sit in meditation in icy winds, on icy floors, respiring icy air, surrounded by icy silence for one whole icy year.
and another year passes.
yet another year passes.
yet another year passes.
yet another year passes.
A - "It's like so quiet..."
another year passes
yet another year passes
and yet another year passes
.
.
several years pass
B - "Will you shut up for God's sake?"
. . .[1]
Modern replications of this mystical treat have caused "slight euphoria, hallucinations, rolling of the eyes, giddiness, hallucinations, munchies, paranoia, hallucinations, epilepsy, kleptomania, dry socket, heart murmurs, and hallucinations. It should be noted that experiments have shown it to cure ulcers. Plans to have it on the market as an ulcer remedy have recently been approved in the United States.
[edit] Composition
To get one drop of Soma: Mix 12 grams of Psilocybin, one kg of Dimethyltryptamine, 16 grams Tetrahydrocannabinol, two ozs of pure opium, one bottle of whoop-ass, two tomatos, 4 red chillies, 2 grams Blow Fish poison, 1 eye-lash of a female Javanese lizard, and one quart of Yeti (or Big Foot) blood (screened for HIV). Slowly simmer over a high flame in a uranium-metal pot for three days until the mixture is solid. Place solid mixture and pass through a sugar-cane crusher. This should result in producing one potent drop of Soma. (Ref. "Soma Made Easy" by Betty Crocker).
Note: Only gods and devils can stand Soma. Humans will evaporate.
[edit] Contraindications
Soma is contraindicated in women who are pregnant, planning to get pregnant, were once pregnant, or were born from a pregnancy; the hypertensive and Japanese eating sushi[2].
[edit] End Notes
- ↑ Sir Buckhingam's only surviving copy of "The Baghdad Gita" is moth eaten after this point. However, most scholars of Indology and about all dentists with failing practices concur that this is the perhaps the most faithful account of the effects of soma on the human brain.
- ↑ Why only the Japanese eating sushi? Because the Japanese, evolutionarily, have developed shorter intestines over time; that's why...go on, ask any dentist.
