Soma©

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Soma©.

Attention: if you came here looking for a supply of 'Soma' then simply click HERE

Ha! Bet you fell for it! -- Well, Uncyclopedia regrets to inform you that Soma© (सोम) is a celestial beverage in Indian mythology, aka Hinduism, that is essentially non-physical, has never been found in the material creation, and is a total gyp! Allow us to assure you that any suggestion it's possible to actually get your hands on some Soma just comes from an incident in 1967 when Soma© was copyrighted by the Hindus to take the piss out of the hippies.

According to the original Vedic texts, Soma is a drink only existing in Svarga (heaven), and, being composed entirely of fermented "consciousness", it has no mundane counterpart.[1] Although bogus Soma-pills and Soma the sex-goddess are both found on the Internet in abundance as aphrodisiacs, only the latter is found to be effective.[2]

Dr. Leary's formula for Synthetic Soma (given below) is another story altogether, and if you manage to create some, please contact an Admin of this site for internal distribution procedures.

Contents

[edit] Hindustani Authority on Soma

Demigod ripped on Soma

Based on the following ancient Hindustani verse by the god family, Soma has been recognized and highly sought after:

हिप वेद तीसरी काण्ड, इकतीस अध्याय, छंद सत्रह:[3]

सोम की तरह है, कमाल है! एक दिव्य देवताओं द्वारा मज़ा आया इलाज /
अगर केवल मनुष्यों यह कोशिश वे सफेद प्रकाश की फ्लैश में गायब हो जाएगा //

TRANSLATION OF TRANSLATION BY HANS MULLUER (1876): "Soma is, like, awesome! A divine treat enjoyed by the gods in heaven. If mere mortals try it they'll vanish in flash of white light."

[edit] History

The MOGHUL EMPIRE, from Babur to Aurangzeb, were invaders from Persia. They knew that the Hindus were generally getting zoned once in a while. So they would invade India only when the Indians were generally getting zoned once in a while. Having thus invaded, they'd become insiders, get high themselves, and fall prey to another hoard who would invade India only when the Indians were generally getting zoned once in a while.[4]

Muslim plan-formula to invade India:
عندما يسطل الهنود، نهجم ونسيطر عليها

TRANSLATION by Mohammad Akbar Khan (1844):
"When Indians get zoned once in a while attack and take control (Soma)!"

Later, when the Islamites found out that there really was no Soma on Earth, and that the Indians were, in fact just stoned out of their brains on common Bhang (भांग}, which is a preparation made from the leaves and flowers of the female Cannabis plant that's consumed as a drink.[5], they decided to remain anyway - and settle for bhang, even though Soma sounds much more poetic and exotic. Largely cos bhang is actually rather good shit.

Note:Uncyclopedia does not support, condone, or recommend the consumption of bhang under any circumstances. If you have any, rather than consume it yourself, forward it to www.uncyclopedia.org and we will safely dispose of it for you.

[edit] Synthetic Soma

Highly irregular synthetic Soma molecule seen in an electron microscope. Note the obvious difference in size of center circle compared to the outer circles.

[edit] Composition

Based on Vedic descriptions of Soma's effects given by the Hindu gods, Dr. Timothy Leary concocted a formula for synthetic Soma which would produce similar effects. The formula (patented in the Cayman Islands), although strictly top-secret, is given as follows:

"For one gram of pure synthetic Soma mix 12 grams of Psilocybin, one kilo of Dimethyltryptamine, 4 quarts of MDMA, 16 grams Tetrahydrocannabinol, 2 kilos of pure Afghani opium, three kaleidoscopes, two Roman candles, and one gallon of Bangladeshi "moonshine" (or Russian Vodka). The mixture is simmered in a large pot (3 meters x 3 meters) for 24-48 hours until solid. The resulting solid mixture is then repeatedly squeezed between the thighs by a 16 year old Balinesian virgin until just one potent gram of synthetic Soma (approx 4,000,000,000 hits) remains.[6]"
At $10 per hit that's worth enough money to buy the DEA and Interpol and still have change to spare for the needy.[7]

[edit] Usage

In uncontrolled tests using Soma on synthetic mice, Dr. Leary proved that it can be used for the following: Sure cure for Death®.[8] Get your Zanzibari Magic Carpet to work. See musical notes written in tooth paste. Laugh uncontrollably at a very thought. See your friend with the head of a pig. Getting lost in your own bedroom. To approach God on HIGH. Sell for a fortune, and, generally get zoned once in a while.

[edit] Effects

“Because when I asked him to leave my shop he pointed to the sign on back of the door which said "closed" - Ha! He thought that meant the world!”
~ Shoe store salesman on how he guessed the customer was into Soma
This is what your lover might look like if you could ever score a hit of Soma.

The imaginary effect of Soma on the brain is briefly recorded in Chapter V, Canto XI of the Tibetan Book of the Dead. It narrates the journey of two disciples wanting to attain Nirvana aka Voidism. They travel to the Himalayan peaks after consuming a sufficient amount of Soma to last them the whole journey. Sir Walter Buckingham gives the story in his English translation as thus:

Two disciples, Glock and Ergo, having medicated themselves with .00003 micro-grams of Soma, travel to the top of the Himalayas, and commence meditating in silence for a year.

and another year passes.

yet another year passes.

Glock - "It's, like, so quiet..."

another year passes.

and yet another year passes.

Ergo - "Will you shut up for God's sake?"[9]

[edit] Falsies

This is SOMA!?

Bogus replications of this mystical treat have caused: "slight euphoria, hallucinations, giddiness, munchies, kleptomania, paranoia, tail-spin, life, death, worse than death, and an insatiable desire for a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup."[10] Although bogus Soma, composed of common Carisoprodol or Ephedra, has been proven to do something, still neither Uncyclopedia nor anyone else (including Tony Jaa) knows what. Although according to late actor, Cory Haims, bogus Soma is used by people who "get off on death!" This is supported by the previous quote on Soma from the Hip-opanishad, which clearly states, "If humans try it they'll vanish in a flash of light!"[11]

[edit] Contraindications

“HELP! I'm a human!”
~ Demigod Frank Zappa on Soma

Soma is contraindicated in humans[12], because if you bought some then you've either been hoodwinked or you'll vanish in a flash of light.

[edit] Legality

“Soma is classified as a BS drug!”
~ DEA on Soma

Soma, although non-existent, would be illegal IF it were existent, which ever comes first. Mean while, the formula is given above, so all you need is a huge factory and a good on-line shopping cart. Oh! And a damn good lawyer, too![13]

[edit] Alternate Definition of Soma

In the REAL world THIS is Soma!
“Hubba! Hubba!!”
~ DEA on REAL Soma

A web search for "Soma" reveals a handful of bogus brands, and also 3,521,278 photographs of actual Soma, a famous model, who is shown to the right. As you see, she is rather an effective aphrodisiac.

[edit] See also

[edit] References

  1. The Rig-veda (8.48.3)
  2. WIRED, "The quintessential BS", May 2003
  3. Hip Veda: 3rd Canto, 31st Chapter, Verse 17 (23 BS)
  4. "History of the Psychedelic Experience" by Richard M. Nixon, GE Publishing, 1974
  5. bhang definition The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language: Fourth Edition. Retrieved 10 September 2006.
  6. "Soma Made Easy" by the Brotherhood of Eternal Love, No Hope Without Dope Publishing, 1968
  7. High Times, "Gear Price Tables", June 2006
  8. Pending approval of Illuminati Medical Association (IMA©®†zOsO)
  9. Sir Buckhingam's only surviving copy of "Yogi" is moth eaten; however, most scholars of Psychedelia concur that this is the most faithful account of the effects of soma-meditation on the human brain.
  10. You heard it first in Uncyclopedia, so thank your lucky stars!
  11. See above, dummy!
  12. DEA Handbook, eternally
  13. Jesus H. Christ!!! Are you still reading this absurd twaddle? Read it once, shame on it! Read it twice, shame on you!
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