This Guy
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“This guy isn't Oscar Wilde”
~ Oscar Wilde on This Guy
“Excuse me, while I kiss this guy”
~ Jimi Hendrix on This Guy
“and then this guy was like...”
~ A Twat on This Guy at the pub
“Who has two thumbs and is the star of this article? THIS GUY!”
~ This Guy on Himself
“Whoah, back off!”
~ This Guy on Jimi Hendrix
“This guy is falling!”
~ Chicken Little on This Guy
“This article featuring a digitally modified 1911 depiction of Noah Webster bears no constructive or useful information whatsoever and reading it is a waste of time due to spontaneous abuse of one's intellectual capacity to reflect upon the existence of such a person in real life.”
~ Captain Obvious on This Guy
“Yep”
~ That Guy on This Guy
“In Soviet Russia kittens huff You! ”
~ Russian Reversal on on kitten huffing
“This guy sucked my weiner”
~ Ron Jeremy on This Guy
“This guy Raped my puppies”
~ Timmy Turner on This Guy
“This guy Gets me hard”
~ Donald Trump on This Guy
“This guy is why I'm an ugly crack whore with no life”
~ Amy Winehouse on This Guy
“This guy popped my cherry”
~ Marilyn Manson on This Guy
“This guy stole my innocence ”
~ Peter Griffin on This Guy
“This guy ate out my asshole”
~ Borat on This Guy
“This guy snapped my dick off”
~ Hillary Clinton on This Guy
“This guy might be your father”
~ Your Mom on This Guy
“This guy is never around when you want this guy, but this guy is still cool anyway.”
~ That Guy on This Guy
“This guy killed my father!”
~ Luke Skywalker on This Guy
“No, this guy IS your father.”
~ Darth Vader on This Guy
This Guy is believed to be the first person ever to sell a kitten for the express purposes of Kitten Huffing and to have started the first Urban legend. He was also a serial rapist, and an MLG Halofag.
Contents |
[edit] Birth and First Huff
The man later to be known as This Guy first saw the light of day in Somewhere, Nowhere, in 1092 or 2097. It is generally understood that this was due to his inability to deal with his real family background in Cardiff, Wales. He was christened Norbert Tanglynickers, poor bastard, and went to Garland high school and was friends with Some other guy, who was in a shitty punk band later known as Blizzard Entertainment. Forensic psychos later theorized that the relentless hazing of young Tony over his name turned him to a life of drugs and crime. But they were all psychos, so what do we care what the bleeders thought.
What IS known is that Norbert "Tingly" Tanglnickers first inhaled a feline at his fifth birthday party. Everyone else hogged the helium balloons, and in a fit of antisocial rage "Tingly" grabbed the family cat, an overweight tortoiseshell tabby. He got half the cat into his lungs and then sneezed. His nasal explosion blasted the unfortunate tabby's head right through its own digestive tract. The cat turned inside out. The guests fled in horror. One guest, Andrew Lloyd Webber, started to rock back and forth and began to carry on a conversation with his rump. Later he would write a musical based on the event.
Young Norbert found himself alone at the table before a blood-spattered birthday cake with a moistly pulsating, inside-out cat in his lap. Its heart pumped squishily next to his belt buckle. Its chubby kidneys oozed unspeakable slime onto his thighs.
We can only imagine the damage done to Norbert "Tingly" Tangleknickers' childish psyche at that horrible moment.
Norbert Tingly Tanglnickers was also the first to successfully Sniff a Stoat, it took a few hundred people to contain the Stoat, it was eventually doped and its soul huffed by This Guy himself.
[edit] Adolescent Crime and Punishment
At ten Norbert was arrested for lewd acts with a manx. As a first offender he got probation, and a stern warning from the Justice. Six months later he was taken into custody after being found wandering in Kings Park, dazed and confused and covered in cat hair. He was released for want of evidence of wrongdoing. But only a few weeks later he was implicated in the infamous "Maylands Cat-snatcher" case. He was convicted, and did five years in Fremantle Gaol ("gaol" is Ozztralian for what the debased Americans call "jail").
On his release he had his name legally changed to This Guy. (One may wonder why he chose such an odd name for himself. It's quite simple. He was huffing kittens. The kitty cats make you do some crazy stuff. Man, this one time, one of this article's authors took a Calico, a Vacuum cleaner, and a roll of toilet paper and... Wait, you shouldn't hear this. Nevermind!) However, the justice in charge of his case wrote that "...despite his youth the prisoner in question is unrepentant, a veritable hard case whom no amount of temperate treatment is likely to turn from recidivism."
A "hard case" indeed. Only a year after his parole a rural officer witnessed This Guy stuffing an orange kitten under his shirt on Pinjarra Road near the site of present-day Barragup Bridge. When challenged This Guy fled across country, escaping when the pursuing officer fell into the Serpentine River and was seized by a bloody great croc. Although the officer survived, he could not make a case against This Guy as his head had been bitten away.
But two years later This Guy ended up in the docket anyway, charged with purveying anchovies to kittens with intent to work mischief. The justice sent him down for ten years hard labour. It was his third major feline-related conviction. This Guy was nineteen years old, a prime age for undeeds.
This Guy was also convicted of the crime of causing the Smeldown of '79 at Pop-Tart Island. It is widly believed he is innocent and that the real culprit is actually Chief Montgomery Scott of the Starship Enterprise. The police deny that This Guy was falsely convicted, but many people still remain skeptical. It is curious to note, however, that no one has attempted to clear This Guy's name, they all just doubt he is guilty and speak about in front of the police. Thus, This Guy's "conviction" has not caused much of a problem anyway.
[edit] Struggle and Relapse
Against all odds, after his release This Guy went straight for several years. He worked as a jobber at a sheep station, where his craving for kittens was irrelevant as the sheepdogs (blue heelers and borzois) tore apart any cat they found for twenty kilometers around.
Granted, stories were told—station hands spoke of "things that was done with a wombat one time" and the mysterious disappearance of a rabbit-fur coat ("...only a few hairs was ever found of it, d'ya know"), but no concrete evidence of This Guy's abuse of kittens has surfaced.
Then in December, 1884, he quit his job and left the sheep station. He told no one where he was going. It was probably best that they didn't know.
March, 1885: Cats begin vanishing from the streets of Rockhampton, Queensland.
May, 1885: An estimated 75% of the cats of Gladstone disappear over the space of a fortnight. Residents glimpse an unidentified man staggering along the strand, clutching a pulsating burlap gunnysack.
July, 1885: Three litters of kittens—Siamese, Manx, and mixed-breed—were stolen in one night from addresses along the same street in Bundaberg.
During this time he crossed paths with future Beatles member and founder of the USSR, John Lenin. This Guy foresaw that Lenin would marry a woman named Yoko Oh-No, whose cat-like screeches drove him into fits of passionate rape-lust. A terrible fight ensued, all over 2 Tabby kitten litters. Lenin went straight a year later, but he and This Guy were enemies until death. Lenin's worshiper Trotsky claims that This Guy is responsible for Lenin's death, but This Guy denies any association.
This Guy had reached a new low. In the grip of his dreadful addiction he was on the move, and his destination appeared to be the feline-laden streets of Brisbane. It was there that he found himself in need of money, so he made a decision that would ultimately change the face of recreational kitten use forever: he sold his first kitten to a Spanish conquistador named Phil Huechodeheuchera.
Now, far from being the sick perversion of a single simpleton, Kitten Huffing was on its way to becoming a scourge that would plague addicts on all 13 continents.
[edit] Enter Sergeant McMackmakay
Sergeant David "The Gimp" McMackmakay is a Mcgimp better known as a not yet known Mcgimp for short, not to be mistaken for a McNugget, a rare half-eaten delicacy from yo mamma's house - was a strapping lad. At age 32, he was the youngest Sergeant on the Brisbane police squad, and also the most well hung...though that's not important right now. His nickname was one he had acquired as a child, when he spent summers in a dungeon owned by none other than Oscar Wilde.
Sgt. McMackmakay had personal reasons to want to track down and find the person responsible for the wholesale slaughter of nearly every kitten in the country. His own cat, Sergeant McMackmakay Junior, who also was well hung, had been one of This Guy's very first victims.
In late June, 1886, after more than a year of dogged pursuit, Sgt. McMackmakay managed to track down and arrest This Guy, behind a 7-11 in Brisbane. Also arrested was a man known only by the name of Carlosvon brestenbeaurgenshine III (who, coincidentally, was also well hung. Go figure).
This Guy would huff no more.
The damage, however, had been done. The kitten death toll was enormous. Moreover, kitten huffing had made its way from the once tranquil streets of Brisbane to the halls of Montezuma and the shores of Tripoli, wherever the hell that is.
[edit] Death and resurrection
This Guy was sentenced to 650 years in the Brisbane prison. He died there in 1938, at the age of 99 or 101. On the third day, he rose again, and ascended into heaven. This scared the holy shit(no pun) out of the Christians, as they didn't know how to react. Was This Guy the second coming of Jesus? Alas, their fears were allayed when it was discovered that the resurrection was just an elaborate parlour trick he had learned from the David Blaine instructional videos earlier in his life.
He actually died the next afternoon. Upon search of his cell following his death, guards found what looked to be the remains of a slender Siamese under This Guy's bunk. Had This Guy managed to smuggle in a kitten during his last days on Earth? It seemed to be the case. In that sense, This Guy had gotten the last laugh.
Reports of This Guy began springing up everywhere. On street corners (and curves!) in malls, and even sometimes on TV you could hear people saying "I saw This Guy just the other day and he was doing..." A certain Mikhail Maslyuk even reported having shot him. David Blaine tried to shoot him too, for stealing his trick. Jesus was pretty pissed about the entire "second coming" shtick, so he gave it a shot too. A mugger was heard saying he attacked This Guy in an alley.
It is rumoured that This Guy had an illegitimate son named Whomsoever with history's famous Some French Chick. He also had at least one perineum, if not several perinea, and may have owned a Unicyclopedia.
[edit] Liaisons
This Guy's sexual liaisons are too numerous to enumerate or even eforgetmerate. Aside from frequent reports in the Weekly World News, two of his most prominent liaisons are documented in popular song.
Purple Haze by Jimi Hendrix records the ecstatic union between Hendrix and This Guy that occurred while Hendrix was tripping mightily and This Guy burst into the room, fresh from a heavy bout of kitten huffing. Irresistibly drawn to his furry orange radiance, Hendrix dropped everything, including the electric air guitar on which he was composing Purple Haze, leaping into the arms of This Guy and declaring, "'Scuse me while I kiss This Guy!"
After Hendrix's death, This Guy found comfort in the arms of Esmeralda Squalor, Demi Delia, Ebony Modi, and Mafrea Nagayea, whose short-lived threesome is poignantly documented in the SKuNK's haunting 1974 album Late for This Guy. The title track ends with a memorable stanza articulating the girls' feeling of utterly empty desolation when This Guy had moved on to new huffing grounds:
How long have I been running for
That morning flight
From the whispered promises and the changing light
Of the bed where we both lie
Late for This Guy?
[edit] Legacy
This Guy was the subject of the famous song UnPoetia:Norbert Percy Tangleknickers by Oscar Wilde, which was later ripped off by The Beatles for their White Album. The Irony in this was that the Beatles hated This Guy but recorded the song because of Oscar Wilde's greatness. This guy also sucks penis. This Guy is also Barack Obama. That's what John McCain said. No, really. Some (fat people) believe Family Guy is a tribute show to This Guy, this is yet unproven.
[edit] Descendants and Relatives
After several thousand years of failed marriages, This Guy spawned eight children from Queen Victoria during a cocktail party in the Collosseum, 1290 BC. Unfortunately seven of his children died, except This Guy VII's friend's mother who had a friend whose cousin's stepfather went to school with someone who knew someone whose friends's father had a colleague in the FBI whose brother also shared the name This Guy, who was possessed by a demonic kitten who was seeking vengance upon kitten huffing after forming an alliance with cabbages.
[edit] See also
- That Guy
- That Gay
- That One Guy
- The Guyver
- MacGyver
- Family Guy
- Some Guy
- That Girl
- The Girl Next Door
- What's-his-name off that thing
- Satanism
