Sonic Unleashed

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“Sonic's the name, speed's my game!”

~ Sonic on Rhyme failure

“At night, Sonic transforms into a more bestial form with super-strength and the ability to stretch his arms.”

~ Sega Producer on raping the sonic franchise in the ass
Sonic discovers Meat-Spin.

Sonic Unleashed, or as it is known in Japan, "Super Happy no Sonikku no Unreasharru Wurrd ka Advencharu no Evangellion," is the digital result of a series of all night, Japanese drinking binges, made marketable by once loveable, anthropomorphic animals. It is the first videogame to have characters from all over the world that all speak in American accents. In other words, "Want some chocolate?" T

Release[edit]

The videogame Sonic Unleashed was released in 2008 for the PSTriple, DVD Player, Nintendo Game Prism, and Not PC. Incidentally, its release date was only three days before the tragic Sega Headquarters suicide bombing.

Story[edit]

The main storyline involves Sonic the Hedgehog turning into a werewolf/big-fat-hairy-cock. This upset many gamers because the changes in the game that occur between day and night seemed like one or more of the following:

  • A pointless gimmick
  • A nuisance
  • Childhood memories turning over in their graves
  • A doodad to wear in your hat
  • The leading cause of Angst

Characters[edit]

He's da bad guy.

Sonic Unleashed contains a protagonist, Sonic the Hedgehog, a blue, spiky, anthropomorphic hedgehog who appears to have two normal eyes, but in reality has one huge eye with two pupils on it. There are also appearances from every single Sonic character that anyone has ever heard of. On multiple occasions in the game, Sonic accidentally consumes bad cheese and turns into "Sonic the Werehog," a character who is assumed to be some freaky mutant cross between a werewolf and a hedgehog. Gamers were baffled at the thought of a hedgehog and a wolf, "doin' the backwards banana." You know what I mean. When Sonic turns into a werehog, he gets "Mr. Fantastic" powers and gains the ability to stretch his body parts, making them longer than they are meant to be. In the third, fourth, and sixth levels of the game, Sonic needs to use his stretchy, prehensile penis to swing from tree to tree.

As a "bonus," the game also introduces a new character named Chip, named because of his insatiable liking for fatty junk food and fry-ups. Chip is a mentally handicapped, winged, red demonspawn who has a high-pitched voice. His neurological disorder causes him to dispense

"I'll have uh... I'll have a... meh."

chocolate every fourty two minutes while spouting the phrase, "Want some chocolate?" There is another new character named Professor Penis Nose_ I mean Pickle. He is a self proclaimed, "dried up sack of shit" who spends most of his time complaining about a sandwich. On multiple occasions throughout the game, he gives in to his furry urges and gropes Amy Rose.

Another character is found only on wiistation 360 his name is the racist black kid.

Gameplay[edit]

To help those who have not played the game experience the sensation of day to night transition, the rest of this section of the article will be formatted to seem like a high speed platformer turning into an extremely slow moving, crappy, beat-em-up type game, over and over again.

Anyway, ffoouurr levels iinnttoo the ggaammee, a hhiiddddeenn cutscene sshhoowwss Sonic ggeett fed uupp with CChhiippss antics. BBeeccaauussee of CChhiippss name, SSoonniicc mistakes CChhiipp for aa food. SSiinnccee it wwaass night ttiimmee, meaning SSoonniicc was aa werewolf, hhee violently rriippppeedd Chip ttoo shreads aanndd feasted oonn his eennttrraaiillss.

Ending[edit]

Before an "intense" final boss battle, Sonic loses his werewolf curse. After the battle, he hears Chip's voice echo in his mind. It says, "Ah wiw aways be wif you!" But his current location is chained up in the basement of the Sonic Team of America's main headquarters for the workers sick, perverted pleasure.

Production and Reception[edit]

Sadly, many long time sonic fans will only remember Sonic Unleashed to be a 3D rape of the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise. 12 million copies of Sonic Unleashed were produced. With only 2 million copies sold and only 10 million households with an Atari 2600, this caused the Videogame Crash of 1983. Whoops...

Sonic Unleashed's poorly written dialogue landed the quote "Want some chocolate" in Screwattack.com's "Top 10 Worst Gaming Quotes" list. It was awarded the #2 spot, almost beating all the dialogue from Starfox 64 besides "Do a barrel roll!"

The "game" also made a lot of Sonic fans disappointed. It was meant to be a sequel to Sonic Adventure, which for a 3D sonic game, was not a complete fail. The next section of this article explains and reenacts the disappointment with a lot of flashy, animated gifs, diagrams, and funny euphemisms.

Disappointment[edit]

Your head asplode. I'll kill your fucking family. You lick balls.

See also[edit]