Southern Fried Funk

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Southern Fried Funk is an American rock band, formed in Westfield, New Jersey in 1999. The band became prominent in the Southern United States in 1973, and rose to worldwide recognition.[this is a lie]

Early years[edit]

In the summer of 1999 a wide eyed impressionable teenager named Donald "The Magic Hammer" Zavaro was born in a cave during the early years of WWII. He had no one but several dozen blind aboriginal orphans to keep him company. With nothing but his two hands and a desire to live he whipped the orphans into a traveling band. The orphans gained back their sight, along with supernatural musical abilities. Southern Fried Funk was born

Band Members[edit]

Southern Fried Funk is a power trio consisting of 5 members:

Current members
  • Donald "The Magic Hammer" Zavaro - lead guitar, slide guitar, vocals, air guitar; aside from being the self proclaimed "leader" of the band, Donald enjoys long walks on the beach, trips to Zany Brainy, and rowdy games of "Eat The Loafcake". He is easily the least valuable member of the band. He was voted out of the band four years ago, but no one told him due to the fear of being eaten.
  • Andrew "The Preacher Man" Gialanella - lead guitar, rain stick; Andrew has been a long time fan of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. He often suggests to the that the band dress in full ranger uniform during their shows. Alex is strongly against this idea because the Power Ranger helmet would cover his flowing locks of hair.
  • Alex "The Italian Stallion" Bubnov – percussion, balloon animal artist; Alex moved to America from Soviet Paraguay in 1986, the same year that he placed 12th in ESPN's lumberjacking competition. Alex used his newfound status as a world famous lumberjack to con elderly women into giving him free rides to the chocolate shop. Although he did not have enough talent to become a member of the band, Donald and Andrew were very impressed by his handlebar mustache and allowed him in the band anyway.
  • Julian "The Preacher Man" Applebaum – Bass, master of the Porteguese accent; Contrary to popular belief, Julian does not record with the rest of the band. In fact, he has never even met his bandmates. Julian lives in a teepee in the wilderness of Alaska where he records his portions of the songs and later mails them to the band. Due to the fact that Julian was raised by a pack of wild Kodiak bears and has never come in contact with another human being, Julian does not speak a word of English.
  • Seth "Pud" Applebaum - lead/rhythm guitar, organ, fake mustache provider; Southern Fried Funk hired Seth to please the African American community, who was criticizing the band for being comprised of only white males.


Their have been several rumors involving a sixth member who is the only one capable of playing instruments. The myth is that he plays every instrument in the recordings as the other members eat rich and creamy yogurt and threaten to kill his family if he does not continue to make slammin' hits. The FBI raided Andrew "The Preacher Man" Gialanella's house and did in fact find a man chained in the attic. However it turned out that he was hiding a man in the attic for completely different reasons.


  • Ted Nugent - Donald "The Magic Hammer" Zavaro is convinced that Ted Nugent is his biological father. He hired private investigator Anthony Wiedman to validate his suspicion. It turned out to be entirely false. Zavaro still holds his beliefs. Ted Nugent has filed a restraining order against Donald, which Donald violates every day.
  • Rich and Creamy Yogurt - this has been a major source of inspiration for Southern Fried Funk.
  • Abortion - Southern Fried Funk are big fans.

Band Fallout[edit]

Alex "The Italian Stallion" Bubnov's heavy anti-war stance during the Bay of Pigs Invasion created a rift between band mates. The mighty brotherhood that was once Southern Fried Funk was now nothing but a stale pile of staleness. Donald and the sixth mystery member wanted to hire a hitman to kill Alex, but instead blew all their money on a rip-roaring trip to New Zealand. Julian's failed attempt to run for president further alienated him from the band. Night after night he would find animal defecation on his doorstep, courtesy of Andrew "the Preacher Man" Gialanella.

The band was brought together for a celeb-reality show on VH1 called "Battle of the Band" in which the band members were locked in a steal cage for 30 days. What was supposed to be a fight to the death resulted in a tearful reunion. The band now is on good terms and takes weekly trips to Ruby Tuesday's where they always order the appetizer sampler and finish off with the chocolate volcano eruption dessert.

In the early 90’s Donald Zavaro grew a mustache as a political statement. His band mates warned him that if he did not shave his mustache they would quit the band. Daniel claimed that his mustache was a symbol that represented all that was good and righteous and he refused to shave it. The rest of the band quit. Once again, the band members grew to hate one another and tried to kill each other.

For the second time, the band was brought together for the celeb-reality show “Battle of the Band”. They could not bring themselves to kill each other and made up…for now.


  • Psychopathic Murder Killers (1982)
  • Die Alien Scum! (1872)
  • Die Alien Scum!: Part Deux (1871)
  • I'm African American, but that's okay (1994)
  • Going downtown to see Lloyd the Buttsmith (1973)


Southern Fried Funk plans on expanding their horizons to film. A movie called "Tony" is in the works, about a balding, paralyzed, club footed boy who becomes the skeeball champion of the galaxy.

Southern Fried Funk is also working on a rock opera based on their entire Harry Potter series. Donald "The Magic Hammer" Zavaro will portray all characters, except for Ginny Weasly. She will be portrayed by Cuba Gooding Jr.

Life of Crime[edit]

Andrew Gialanella has been rumored to be a member of the Chinese, Russian, and Italian mobs. Vinny "the Rat" of the Castiglione Family reportedly welcomed Gialanella to the family in early 2004. Mae-Choi-Wing-Zou-Xiao-Siyuo-Wang of the Xi Family has not commented on Gialanella and neither has Vladmir Kalashnokovich of the Moscow Familyov.

Winston Churchill[edit]

He was the prime minister of England a while back.