Soviet Union (band)

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Lenin with original band mates Stalin (left) and Trotsky (right), on the cover of their first LP - October Red

Soviet Union was a musical band from the USSR active 1918-1991. It had numerous members throughout its career and had a reputation for the constant deaths of its leaders...

Contents

[edit] History

The band started from famed Heavy Metal band "The Commies," whose original members included Karl Marx (lead vocals, songwriter), Leon Trotsky (guitar), Vladimir "Vlady Leningrad" Lenin (drums, piano), and Friedrich Engels (bass). After Marx and Engels left for their side project Manifesto, they formed a punk rock band in 1917 with a fat old roadie named Grigory Zinoviev, Nikolai Bukharin; "The Pretty One", and the ever famous gay porn star Lev Kamenev with the following lineup:

[edit] Line-up One "From Punky Beginnings" (1917-1939)

  • Vladimir Lenin - Lead Singer, guitarist.
  • Leon Trotsky - Rhythm Guitarist, back-up vocals.
  • Grigory Zinoviev - Drummer, skin-flutist.
  • Lev Kamenev - Bassist.
  • Nikolai Bukharin - keyboardist, backing vocals.

Soviet Union completed 5 tours usually with opening band Cheka or frontman Felix (insert long polock name)'s solo project 'Iron Feliks' (the misspelling is attributed to heroine addiction) from 1917 until 1924, often times leaving the crowd awestruck and leaving memories fresh in their minds.

Though an underground band, the band was highly popular and won The Battle of the Bands against a rival Folk Rock band, White Russia, Anarchist Punk Band Blackshirt Ukraine and Alexander Kerensky's The Provisionals.

After the victory in 1924, a surprising thing happened during a concert. A screaming fanatic fan-girl with a mustache named Joseph Stalin jumped on the stage, he started shaking and moving and got Lenin pretty aroused. Lenin became a rhythm guitarist and offered Joe his spot as lead singer, lead guitarist and front man in return for sexual favors (until his rather, uh, mysterious death later that year).

Lenin's final single Testament was never delivered at the behest of Stalin.

Increasingly Stalin began moving against Trotsky and his 'Pussy, political bullshit'. Stalin and the rest of Soviet Union gave Trotsky the boot and in 1924 Trotsky started his own solo career, touring Europe and Mexico. Trotsky was replaced by Alexey Rykov, as Rhythm Guitarist who did much to contribute during his tenure.

Joe Stalin and Bukharin collaborated extensively on the bands 3rd album a Country-esque album called 'Socialism in THE Country', which despite its early success ultimately ended up as a flop as the months went by. Zinoviev remembers (fondly) of composing the album:

"Yeah, me and Lev was like 'hey bro, remember how we helped get Trotsky out of the band? We had a few live songs mayhap they do okey-dokey', and he was like 'fuck you! This be between me, Rykov and Bukharin, you guys are in with Trotsky...' haha good times."

In 1926 Felix died of a heroin overdose which made Stalin pretty upset. "He was my knight in shi-... my knight of the proletariat". Stalin told Rolling Stone.

In 1936 Soviet Union released 'Great Purge' a hit single with Hard Rock Influences very different than what fans were used to. Karl Radek, a hang-around and rhythm guitarist and harmonica player of occasional opening act Comintern (also Zinoviev and Kamenev's other band) stated it was "quite possibly the gayest thing ever.".

By 1938 Stalin sought to take the band in a new direction based on the Great Purge single and scrapped the original line-up citing 'creative differences'. Ultimately Comintern would fail and Kamenev would retire in Kentuckistan where he'd die of an AIDS-related illness after only 6 months. Bukharin and Rykov would go on to be respected Punk musicians and Zinoviev would later convert to Scientology and be revealed as the incarnation of Xenu for which he would be hung.

[edit] Line-up Two "Hard Rock Days" (1939-1953)

In 1939 Soviet Union returned with a whole new image and a sound "akin to Zeppelin crossed with ACDC". Stalin chose close associates and bed mates as his key focus.

Due to heavy support from an popular advertising company, the band had many new fans. Nevertheless, some of the old fans didn't like the change too much, but Stalin's style and grace including the murder of millions of innocents kept them on their toes and slowly won the fans back over.

[edit] Ultimate Battle of the Bands, USSR VS Nazi Germany (1939-1945)

One of the bands biggest events under the leadership of Stalin was the Ultimate Battle of the Bands. This would truly shape up to be an event, Nazi Germany had dominated La Republique, a shitty Jazz Fusion band with paradoxically die-hard fans. During the early months of the battle the Crowd seemed to favor Hitler's rock 'n' roll, but with Hitler not changing the mood of the music, Stalin was able to win the crowd over with his Communist Hard Rock, and with help from the USA's Big Band and Swing and the UK Funk, the Band Nazi Germany and its lead singer Hitler, bass guitar Goring, organs Goebbels, and drums Himmler were finally defeated in 1945, and the Ultimate Battle of the Bands belonged to Soviet Union. Though afterward USA contested the results, beginning a vicious East Coast-West Coast rivalry the likes of which were not outshone until the advent of hip-hop.

Other factors that may have contributed to victory of Stalin may have been Mussolini's shitty Death Metal band 'Fascio' which Nazi Germany did numerous covers of and vice-versa. Similarly Shōwa, an odd Japanese Noise-Rock trio failed to wow the audiences with their own covers of Nazi Germany songs, after the USA unveiled two new songs 'Little Boy' and 'Fat Man', songs which furthered the rivalry between the two platinum bands.

[edit] Line-Up Three "Rat Rap Lap" (1953-1964)

Stalin retired and stuff, said music wasn't his thing anymore and passed the torch to Bitch Malenkov. After only one tour with Judas Priest, a roadie by the name of Nikita Khrushchev began actually singing. Molotov thought he was better than Bitch Malenkov and told him to go back to drumming, which really pissed bitch off. Even though Molotov had seniority and was better known in the music industry Khrushchev wanted to take the band in his own direction and start making really shitty Linkin Park style music. They flipped a coin and Khrushchev won. Axe Man Beria said the whole thing sucked and went back to his side-project NKVD, who would follow suit, abandon him and reform as the KGBizzle. On the bright side Khrushchev ran with his success and practically turned the band into a solo career.

Soviet Union began creating rap metal, which was awful and many fans thought their album Warsaw Pact (1955) was utter shit, and named the second worst album of the decade (after USA's NATO).

In 1957 ROFLMAOZEDONG, the opening act for Soviet Union for the past 7 years had a falling out with Khrushchev, with its return to Hard Rock. Khrushchev cared little as the bands next album The Great Leap Forward failed miserably. Enver Hoxha, a Latin Pop Singer also had his falling out with Khrushchev and told Rolling stone: "That guys a dick, he's killing the spirit of my AB-SO-LUTE favorite band. I'm never going on tour with him again." Upon hearing this Khrushev responded with "Who the fuck is Enver Hoxha?".

Beyond that Khrushchev expelled most of the members from the band, replacing them with "his posse" (which was privy to change ever couple of tours) but keeping Brezhnev around, he spent most of his time "Slapping Bitches" and trying to sneak into Disney World. He never did make it there by the way, which I guess kinda sucks...

Krushchev introducing rap at one of Soviet Union's world tours

[edit] Line-up Four "Back to Hard (No penis joke intended)" (1964-1982)

Even Leonid Brezhnev had to admit that Rap metal stuff was thestuff of sell-outs and successfully returned the band to it's Hard Rock times after Khrushchev had a mental breakdown isolated himself from the entire outside world. Sadly Disco was in then and Leonid pretty much failed miserably, even Jimmy Carter felt pretty accomplished in his presence. His album 'Afghan Madness' was a complete flop and SALT I and SALT II, while popular overseas proved to be very unpopular among die-hard fans of the original line-up. After a lengthy period of failure Leonid ultimately took his own life, an accompanying suicide note stated: "Afghan killed my image, remember me as I was"

[edit] Line-up Five "The End of a Glorious Band (Disputed)" (1982-1991)

Various Soviet executives filled in on occasion

Androgynous Andropov, fed up with his own effeminate appearance and finding hard-rock distasteful decided to take the band back to its earliest roots and started the Punk scene back up. Believing he could jump-start the bands popularity after a string of failures. Although he was met with some early successes he was found dead in the back of his El Camino only 14 months after taking the band back. Scarface Gorbachev, who had assumed Asshole Andropov's position as band frontman, knew the situation was bleak and said "what the hell" and announced that the whole damn thing was over. After all, none of the original line-up was still in the band and had all moved on to much greater things.

Scarface Gorbachev released two final singles, 'Glasnost' and 'Perestroika', both were met with moderate success. After one final tour with Kaganovich, Malenkov, Bukharin, and Rykov returning to be a part of the final tour they disbanded. After that Boris Yeltsin, a sometimes bassist for the band held the rights to the music and got most of it off local radios hoping to promote his own band: The Federation

[edit] Influence

Soviet Union had a major impact on music all over the world and played a major influence on numerous bands. From the Funk of The Juche Boys to the Hardcore of The Killing Fields, even Reggae artist Uncle Ho has claimed that Lenin's Red Banner was his greatest influence. They are widely recognized as one of the *cough* sarcasm *cough* greatest bands of all time.

[edit] Legacy

Early in 1337 Soviet Union announced that it would, in fact have a Reunion concert, with even Trotsky and Joe Hollywood reuniting. Opening acts included Comintern, Chernobyl, NKVD and KGBizzle, and the Komrade Kosmonauts. Uncle Ho would sing for Lenin in a number of songs and the de-facto of ROFLMAOZEDONG, Tienanmen Square Tank Parade. The 4 day concert held in The armpit of Eastern Europe was attended by just over 7 million and thusly the the armpit became rather saturated, resulting in Russia applying deodorant and killing roughly half the attendees. Joe Hollywood said it took him back. On the final night Trotsky and Stalin proved they had truly healed all wounds in a deep uhhh... embrace.

After one final Show together in Moscow the band disbanded with no plans of going on tour again the future.

[edit] Discography

  • Red Banner (February 1917) - #1 in the Romanov 'Hot-Like-A-Communist-When-Lynched' 100 Charts (later re-named Lenin's Soviet 100 chart)
  • Collectivization (1924) - #1 in the Soviet 100 (the fact that it was compulsory for everyone who owned a record player does not mean the #1 spot was fabricated)
  • Socialism in THE Country (1929) - #1 in the Soviet 100
  • The Great Purge and other HOT singles (1934) - #5 in the Soviet 100
  • Molotov-Ribbentrop: Fuck u Polocks (1939) - #1 in the Soviet 100
  • Take Dat Hitler! ULTIMATE BAND OF THE BATTLES LIVE ALBUM!!! (1945) - featuring the performances of Wineup Churchkill, Fartdick Del-ass-o Goosebelt, Not a Hair on his Ass-Truman and Parles the Doll
  • Warsaw Pact (1955)
  • Sino-Soviet Spill (1957)
  • Socialism HIT YOU IN DA FACE: Take that Prague (1968)
  • Eyebrows That Make you Look Old (1977) - #1 USSR, #1 USA Note: Goddamn pussy Roger Waters sued the band, claiming the band's obviously original songs 'Wings on the Pigs Pt. 1 and 2', 'Joey the Poodle', Wings (Three Succinct Ones)' and 'Beep!' were blatant copies of the songs on his album Animals. God, he's so annoying.
  • Potential Nuclear Holocaust (1986)
  • Oh Crap! The Picket Fence Fell Again! (1989)- Failed to enter any chart, Mikhail Gorbachef was rapidly, and quite painfully, killed and replaced with a look-a-like with a Port wine stain on his head. What? Killers can be a little clumsy...

[edit] See Also


v • d • e

Oppressive Яussian Stuff



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