Space Pirates

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Contrary to what one would expect, Space Pirates are not true pirates at all, because although they are cool, they do not kick ass. Be that as it may, Space Pirates are the scourge of the Seven Star Systems, a mercenary military organization made up of freakish creatures that look like a cross between an Alien, a Predator and a Praying Mantis. They are the universe's ultimate terrorists, drug-dealers and pimps, and they dabble in mad science from time to time, too. Their leaders are Ridley, the bastard son of Ridley Scott and the Mother-Brain, their other leader. Kraid, who is Ridley's half-brother, is not, infact, a Pirate leader, for he is about as mobile as a statue, as heavy as a blue whale and has an IQ of -8. This isn't saying much, however, for aside from Ridley and his mom, all Spaces Pirates have an intelligence score of 7 (an IQ of about 89).

Still, the Pirates do have many redeeming qualities, including a kick-ass theme song, which can be found here.[1]


Now that's a face not even a mother could love. And yet he (it?) gets the job done.

The Space Pirates were formed as a group in 122 AD, when Satan gave them hyperdrive technology and created the Mother Brain to do their taxes and laundry for them. Naturally, they used their gifts for evil, breaking through the 4rth Dimension to steal weapons from Big Boss and kidnap Ridley Scott so that he would mate with the Mother Brain, thereby granting them a leader of phenominal intelligence and power. The results were satisfactory, if nothing else; although Ridley Jr. was both a mathematical and tactical genius, no one could understand a damn thing that he was saying.

Eventually, the Space Pirates realized that they needed money to maintain their new weapons and ships--they sure as hell weren't cheap, or easy to steal--so they began to raid neighbouring star systems in a series of sudden, ferocious attacks--as fearsome as the Vikings and as unexpected as the Spanish Inquisition. Once they learned that the local planetary governments were rich in resources and narcotics but poor in terms of military might, the Pirates began extorting them for drugs such as crack, weed, Phazon, plutonium, acid, death sticks and crystal meth, as well as the services of the local hoes for numerous purposes.

The Space Pirates are members, though not directly under the jurisdiction, of the Axis of evil-doers. They joined the group in 1934, shortly before World War II, but choose to operate independantly of them for two reasons:

  • First, they have enough trouble already and don't need the interference of any bunglers;
  • and second, they don't want to share the profits of their legitimate business with anyone.

Abuse of Steroids[edit]

This is a simulation of what an Elite Pirate would look like, if it was a human that had originally been as thin as a rail. Note, above all else, that his head is smaller than his hands.

The Pirates eventually discovered that it was even easier to extort people when the guys you send to...reason with your clients, are eight feet tall and immune to most forms of harm. To that end, they started picking out random pirates from among their ranks and infusing them with plutonium-enriched steroids and heavy-duty cybernetics in order to create the so-called Elite Pirates (or as everyone else calls them, Bruisers). This was met with met with mixed results: while the new copyright infringements proved extremely efficient in reasoning with their clients, they were oftentimes a bit overzealous in that regard, butchering their victims before being able to collect the funds. Also, the pirates forgot to take into account the Steroid Strength/Stupidity ratio: when taking steroids, the stronger you are, the dumber you become, and these guys had been taking enough of the stuff to go from lifting paperweights to lifting houses. As such, they were too stupid to look through the clothing or homes of the deceased in order to find the goods.

There was also the radiation factor to consider: because it enriched the steroids, not only were the Elite Pirates dumber than shit, they were also both Bat Fuck Insane and Ape-Shit Crazy, rendering them almost impossible to control. Plus, it was difficult to get close to them without feeling as though you'd taken a heavy water bath for five hours.

All of this was compounded when dealing with the Omega Pirate, the Arnold of the Space Pirate forces. He'd taken enough steroids--enriched with Phazon rather than plutonium--to have fists the size of Volkswaggen Beetles... and a brain the size of a peach. Also, he was the size of a small mountain and could heal himself by covering his wounds in liquid steroids (for the love of God, do NOT try this at home! It will only make things worse, so don't do it, or else! ). Just standing within forty feet of this guy would be enough to give you leukemia. Try to imagine how their enemy must have felt standing in front of him!

The Pirates' Big Mistake[edit]

In the year 20X6, the Space Pirates discovered that the planet K2-L was rich in afloraltite (a mineral used in the creation of crystal pot, the ultimate drug), and attempted to buy-out the planet from its human residents in exchange for crackly acid sticks and millions of Canadian dollars. This didn't work, however, because the colonists were in fact Amish people who could not stand the thought of narcotics. In retaliation, the Space Pirates unleashed a terrifyingly cunning battle strategy:

  • Kraid farted, covering the world in a deadly toxic vapour;
  • and then Ridley breathed fire at the edge of the atmosphere, igniting the gas.

The end result was, of course, the immolation of the entire planet and almost everything on it, except for one person: Samus Aran, a three-year old girl who would be raised by birds and eventually come to exact her vengeance numerous times.


After getting the snot kicked out of them by Samus on Zebes, the Pirates fled, taking the half-dead Ridley wiith them and transforming him into a metallic cyborg dragon. They then landed on Tallon IV and set up a mining operation where they extracted Phazon--a type of radioactive steroid--from deep in the planet's crust. They also tried to improve the Phazon with the help of the Metroids, small creatures native to Japanese porn with numerous energy-based properties.

Everything was going well at first, until Samus showed up on Tallon IV for takeout. Upon discovering that her sworn enemies were there, she unleashed her ultimate, unstopable Pownage upon the unfortunate Space Pirates, laying waste to their ranks and destroying their crack werehouses before kicking Ridley's ass with the help of some pissed-off statues.

The Pirates ran for their miserable lives once again, this time landing on Aether, the only planet in the universe with a split personality. Once there, in spite of the fact that they looked almost completely different from their original forms, they continued their Phazon-mining operation. Unfortunately, it just wasn't the pirates's day: just about everyone was out to get them, including the Marines, Samus, Dark Samus, and a bunch of freaky, five-legged spiders. They would have raised a white flag in surrender, but wound up fleeing a third time (they didn't get the chance because they were being killed too fast to even lift up the damn thing). This can be forgiven, however, for the spiders were out to get everybody else, too.

The Pirates eventually returned to Zebes, having somehow resurrected Mother Brain, Kraid and Ridley, in addition to creating three other creatures that no one cared about. Samus came after them yet again, killing most of them for good this time and taxidermying Ridley for display in a space museum. The museum in question was overrun by an X Parasite infestation, which turned his corpse into a zombie dragon, but that's another story.

Having been beaten so thoroughly numerous times, the Space Pirates opted to save face by calling in a favour from the Axis of Evil-Doers. Upon being granted even more powerful weapons, faster and more durable ships, and cloning technology, the Pirates renewed their attacks on various star systems in a series of raids which would eventually lead up to the Nintendo Revolution.

The Pirates, having left their mark on history, departed to another sector of space where they could rape and pillage forever without need fearing the Huntress ever again.

Samus Aran: Bane of the Space Pirates[edit]

Main article: Samus Aran

There a large number of things which I co say or do to describe Samus Aran to you, but what are you doing on this page in that case? You won't find any descriptions or (half)naked pictures of that hot babe here. Try going to the main article instead.


  • They have been featured in various crappy books. Oscar Wilde is often violated in many homoerotic ways by Space Pirates, and as such makes then one of the most awesome and win species ever.
  • Space Pirates are also the only species to have fought, or even LOOKED at Big Boss, and lived. They are also rumoured to be the missing link in the Big Boss\Chuck Norris Paradox, but no-one knows if whether this is fact due to Space Pirates kill on sight and travel in large groups. Often up to 500 at a time.

See also[edit]