Einstein and Hitler
Let me take you back to the 1930's. Albert Einstein, or Alby as his friends (cats) called him, was watching Oprah when suddenly it dawned on him. "This shit is whack," he might of thought before he hastily hurled his television into the Thames. It was precisely then that Einstein invented the theory of General Relativity, mostly bullshit he thought up while on crack. He missed his television you see.
What was General Relativity and why do I care?
Funny you should ask. General Relativity, as the name suggests, was purely whimsical and based on no scientific data whatsoever. Einstein looked at his surroundings and wrote the first things that came to mind. In a week Einstein had enough material to publish his now infamous A brief history of bullshit. The book met critical acclaim, what with everyone being rediculously primitive and gullible in those days. And thus Einstein became a god amongst men. But was his fame and fortune justified?
Rules of General Relativity
- Masturbating at least 3 times a day is an effective way to ruin your appetite for sex.
- You cannot sneaze without closing your eyes. Likewise, you cannot open your eyes without not sneazing.
- If your hair is white and you're going bold, people will believe anything you say.
- The best way to make money is to start your own religion. Of course, you call it a religion for the tax break. Really it's just a glorified treehouse cult.
- Love is tough. Tough love is tougher.
- The leper's favorite snack is rat-tail.
The General Relativity Aftermath
During the late 1930's, A Jew sympathiser by the name Adolf Hitler set out to find creative means to help Jews in need. He caught glimpse of Einstein's book whilst strolling by his local bookstore, or schorztstore as those crazy fucking German assholes call it. At his point, the lightbulb above his head was ready to explode and he grabbed the book. He payed of course. He then shot the owner and took his money back. Crazy fucking germans.
Hitler, along with some friendly scientists, began using the innovative new techniques outlined in the book to help cure diseases amongst the Jews. They had found ways to cure diseases like Cancer, leprosy and X-mas that had never been approached by anyone in the past.
When word got out to Einstein of the disaster, he hastily set about trying to clear his name. Reading books like An idiot's guide to Science and Where did I come from?, Einstein was able to learn what little was needed to be successful in the 30's. He cut some atoms in half, claimed that time was bullshit and voila, specific relativity was born.
Rules for Specific Relativity
- 1/ Split the atom
- 2/ Bomb Japan
- 3/ ???
- 4/ Profit.