Spectroscopy

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The Practice of beating someone with someone else until they react. Can also involve eliminating your enemies WITH A LAZER!

Often compared with happy snapping, this "photochemistry" claims to be 'scientific research' whose major theme is to see if people will fight if you hit them hard enough and with different things and then taking pictures.

Using "probes of combustion" (such as "come and have a go if you think your hard enough" "Your mother is a whore"), scientists can detect ultra-sensitive changes in reactivity among subjects (these are often measured in terms of "hair-pulling", "punching" and "eye-gauging").

Particularly popular is the laser-based spectroscopic method, inwhich individuals are actually fired at eachother at various speeds and frequencies. This often results in the "mugging" effect, which scientists have divided into three categories:


O + CH reaction[edit]

(defining O as Ordinary and CH as Canonball Humanis)


  • The Linear Approach

In this model, the collision is head-on and the victim is in such shock that they give up their possessions and head off in the opposite direction, so as to avoid further conflict with the thug.

  • The Above Approach

This model is a little more sneaky - the attacker is fired from above the victim, taking him by surprise, mugging him and sending him cartwheeling into the bushes. possibly never to be seen again.

  • The Below Approach

Similar to the above approach, only there is rendered a blow so hard that the victim is cataputled into space, cetainly never to be seen again.

  • The Insertation Process

Paticularly shocking, this is a really cruel approach inwhich the victim is be-friended and lulled into a false sense of security, before they are relieved of their possessions and abandoned. They are often never the same again. (Common in the elderly)

  • The Non-reactive Collision

Also known by the technical term "bloody useless waste of time", this often occurs between pacifists.

  • Vibrational Excitation

Often the preferred outcome for the scientists, this is where collision between individuals results in sexual activity, often involving marital-aids. However these reactions are often explosive and sometimes involve supersonic jet-cooling.

Poltical implications[edit]

Many critics of the techniques have questioned the validity of this research, siting human-rights violations.

One leading spokesperson from the department of Sociochemical Psychical Economics at North Fens Polytechnic was quoted to have said:

If the CH radicals are as radical as this research claims, then surely the product of any collision with N2ions would be quite revolutionary; should we not perhaps be asking, instead of what is happening during these collisions, why the collisions come about in the first place? are the socio-economic conditions that these CH characters find themselves in so unbearable that they must rebel? Are the ions in some kind of Marxist economic power struggle with them? I think you'll agree that this is a very serious and delicate issue, and that the gung-ho spectroscopic attitude of these government scientists can only make the matters worse. I have just one question, who will be picking up the reactive molecular fragments after this madness has ended?

Amnesty International is yet to comment on the issue.


See Also[edit]