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~ Oscar Wilde on Speech

7-year-olds in lab coats[1] Researchers at AOL have discovered a new "instant messaging" service called "Speech". It is highly deficient from any other form of Instant Messaging[2]. There are numerous reasons why this form of communication is useless. Some of these reasons are listed below.

  • "Speech" is defined as brain farts. To some people, it is dead brain cells farts.
  • "Speech" is mislabeled at "fast" because while light (the technology now used to carry IM through the air) travels at 299,792,458 meters per second, "sound" (the new technology used to carry "speech") only travels at 340 meters per second and, unlike light, dies out over long distances. There is a slight delay between the sound being made and the person hearing it, thus making the "sound" system useless.
  • "Speech" is a very close-range and completely useless mode of IM. When speaking, unless freakishly loudly, you must stand within 1 or 2 feet of the other IMer (3 feet if screaming), although screaming can be heard yards away. However, when screaming, the throat may be irritated and hurt. Also, in a loud environment, the range is limited more and/or the "talking" (another word for "Speech") must be louder.
  • "Speech" consists, partly, of walking to where the other person is to facilitate the close range. This walking service is not provided for free or at any cost from AOL (although if you break a bone and have to use a wheelchair to ambulate, you can ask somebody to push you). There is also no guarantee that the person will be where you look for them. AOL does not provide any kind of locator; you have to find out where the person is yourself.
  • "Speech" is easily tapped or overheard. A person who is hiding close to you can hear everything you say, unless you "whisper" (a mode of communication in which the speaker's mouth is close to the receiver's ear and the sounds are barely audible). The louder you talk, the more people can hear you.

In conclusion, "Speech", although a novel idea, is merely a curiosity and a fad. In a few years "Speech" will die out and the only mode of communication left will be IM.

Speech is widely known as the "least effective form of communication," followed closely by gargling and whipping it out in public. Elements of speech include sucking air through a person's upper orifice, expelling said air out of one's respiratory air bags, and warbling the lips and tongue in a nonsensical manner as the air passes out of one's body. This "passing air" is usually always meaningless and obscene.

People are encouraged to abstain from speaking for the entirety of their given lives. If one does manage to speak, immediately cut off their lips, teeth, tongue, and remove their vocal chords with a simple utility knife.

Speaking or "mouth farting" is considered obsolete as of the Internet, and demonstrates how vestigial attributes of the human species are best left behind. Charles Darwin and the 12 Apostles will be along to your house to remove them soon.

Speech as a Form of Expression[edit]

Speech as a form of expression means expressing what you have in mind via verbal communication. Of course in most cases people should abstain from expressing themselves, because nothing but word-rubbish can be expressed, however, that is impossible. People just need to find someone or someone’s ears and then express, express and express themselves. Nobody knows exactly what was uttered, because people don’t listen to each other, only express. But there are mass media with their “sleepless eye” and “ear” who sometimes take note of what is expressed. Because in reality politicians are unquotable, speech writing is widely used as a convenient service. Some humorous dudes do speech writing and make jokes so people get pleasure from 10-minute daily exercise known as “watching evening news”, or “rolling on the floor laughing in front TV”.



  1. But they were in lab coats!
  2. And to be deficient from Instant Messaging of all things is saying a lot.

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